eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

i liked this movie after the one time i saw it, toward the end of last summer...but i like it even more now that i feel like i understand it a little more than i did then. recent events have left me feeling substantially handicapped by the mental and emotional resources which i find wanting in myself, and i wonder: would it be better if i could forget about them altogether? things like that seem to serve no purpose other than to provide life experience. most of the time such experience is valuable; we learn from it how to function in society and in large part it builds our individual character. yet, is it possible that there are some events or situations which turn out to be so traumatic that even the "valuable" life lessons come at too great a cost?
if so, would it not be better to lose the memory of the experience, in order to rescue one from the anguish of its aftermath?
of course, this is complicated by a variety of issues... mainly that one would also lose the memory of any positive parts of the experience, and that one would also be more inclined to repeat the same mistake. my mind echoes the sentiment of my junior high social studies teacher about learning from the mistakes of history or being doomed to repeat them. but if you're doomed either way, what difference does it make?
let's just hope that i'm not doomed, because as far as i know i can't have my memories erased anyway. so, this is a purely rhetorical question to begin with; and besides, i'm not sure i'd go through with it anyway. maybe sometimes one month can be happy enough to be worth the payment of a lifetime of anguish and regret. i haven't quite decided if this is one of those times though.
maybe it just depends on when the month happens... when it's already past it's hard to bear the pain...but if you knew that it was waiting for you at the end and you could look forward to it, then somehow it would seem bearable after all...but i guess that's an entirely different question...

the witching hour

i've been having some strange dreams lately...which always involve people i know in real life, but often in rather foreign and/or surprising situations...which are generally also rather frustrating. i suppose perhaps this reflects the amount of frustration i've been feeling over the impending doom which i will be facing as soon as i get back to washington and have to face a lot of strange and upsetting situations which will be rather determinative of my future and over which i feel a definitive lack of control or even understanding... these strange dreams are also the kind where you seem to wake up not suddenly, but in this transition of awareness that you're just dreaming which seems to always leave me laying in bed thinking, often with a rather strange starting place. in this morning's case my thoughts continued along a strange path ending with the thought that i may not look like much in the daytime, but to a desperate guy i must start to seem rather attractive when it gets closer to 3 am. i was just about to start integrating this knowledge into a plan for how i may more effectively end my long run of singlehood, when i glanced at my cell phone to see that i had a text message (which has been increasingly uncommon as of late, much to my chagrin). in the message, this girl i know was ranting about how guys think she's an object and only text/call her to get some action, and at the bottom it indicated that it was received at around 3:30 am. so, it would appear that i ought to expand my hypothesis a bit. it isn't that i get more attractive late at night, it's just that desperate guys give up and just go for whatever (whoever) they can get at about that time. this knocked me out of my illogical reasoning by reminding me that attempting to prey on desperate guys is really just letting them prey on me and that, yes, as horrible as it may sound: i'm better off by myself. dang it.

late nights at the brinkerhoff house

so, i went to this ysa dance in westland last night, which is down on the west side of detroit (who would have guessed...haha) and then i stayed way late talking to my friend elliot...like, until the people who set up had cleaned up and were going home... oops... haha...and i had to stop and get gas too so it was really late when i got home, like, well past 1am...and my whole family was still awake...you might be surprised by this, but i really wasn't. i realize that part of the reason i'm such a night-owl sometimes is that it kind of runs in the family i guess. haha!

they say your head can be a prison

Baby, seasons change but people don't.
And I'm always there waiting in the back room.
I'm boring but...
Wouldn't you rather be a widow than a divorcee?

coming home is great. going to church is great. but going to church at home is funny. i know i shouldn't be thinking about fall out boy songs in church, but the lyrics just sort of popped into my mind as i sat there before sacrament meeting. i've been the "old maid" of the ward for a while, but as i get older it becomes more apparent as everyone else gets married and the age differential between myself and the other single people continues to grow. the next oldest single girl is quite a few years younger than me. but, she's only single cuz she's divorced. still, it occurred to me that i'd rather be 26 and an "old maid" than a 22-year-old divorcee (or widow, for that matter). sitting in relief society near my old young women's president is cool, but back then her oldest daughter was maybe 9 or 10 years old, and now she's sitting there in relief society with us. crazy.
still, i may not always be glad about the way my life seems to be going, but i suppose i still have enough to be grateful for and enough reasons to be glad that i'm myself instead of somebody else. of course if God got the whim to turn me into a supermodel i'd probably go along with that one pretty quickly...

self-sabotaging

"Last night I saw my world explode...
Well, I'm looking out at you obscured by the stand up arcade
And the sound of the descendents.
Your smile reminds me of switchblades and infidelity."

i'm currently fixated on the part of my life that i can't seem to fix...or change...i suppose the word "fix" seems to indicate that there's something inherently wrong, when that's probably just an issue of my own subjective perception of the situation... *sigh*

at any rate, this fixation is problematic not only because it's something that i have little or no control over nor even mere understanding of, but because it seems to overshadow the other areas of my life that i CAN control. i mean, i'm not completely psycho. i still lead a rather productive life... but if i cared more about other things that i CAN change and less about things that i can't then obviously my overall productivity would be increased because the things i feel motivated to do and the things i actually can do would match up.

hmm...maybe it's just one of those life challenges...the kind that exists exactly because it's a challenge. if everyone's desires and abilities matched up then life would be a lot easier, and they'd be able to do a lot more, but then maybe we'd all learn a lot less. i suppose i should look at "productivity" not just in terms of what i can accomplish outwardly by how i use my time and skills, but also in terms of the character growth that comes from doing things that you don't want to do and living without things that you want to have. i guess sometimes i forget that in the eternal scheme of things it's that kind of personal growth that's really important... i suppose that's just so abstract that it's hard to measure, if you can even see it in yourself at all.

life is strange and never seems to happen how you expect. i just wish i were better at remembering the pleasant surprises and not letting them get covered up by all the disappointments.

and i wish i understood other people better. a lot of my problems and frustrations seem to be a result of my misinterpretations of what other people do and say and how it relates to how they feel. a lot of times about me i guess. just goes to show how self-centered i am. my friend JD says i care too much about what other people think about me and that i constantly assume that they think bad things. i dunno. i feel like i'm just trying to be realistic and not assume or expect too much. but maybe that just ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy - low expectations sometimes yield low results i suppose. but that just goes back to the original problem: i misinterpret people. maybe because i'm assuming bad things, but maybe just because i really don't understand them...or even more frustrating - because people don't express themselves honestly because they're too worried about management of what others think of them. too complex for me to dissect when i'm tired and upset.

hmm...i was sort of arguing with my g'ma yesterday. i had a rough day. pretty much from the second i woke up i was freaking out and upset. i've been working so hard to be to church early for choir every sunday since i moved here months ago. and the week of the choir christmas program was the week i didn't wake up. *sigh* frustrating and yet not surprising. haha! i think that's how you know i'm in a bad mood. i'm not at all surprised when horrible things happen, and much more inclined to think that things that really aren't that bad are actually horrible things. anyway, so when i went home i was just really defensive and kept arguing with my g'ma, which i really try so hard not to do! i don't want to argue, but it's so hard! why does my g'ma side with other people in arguments against me?! why does she say things that aren't even true?! argh!! she was going off on my political beliefs and whatnot and things my mom said about me, but she doesn't even know what i think about stuff! because i never talk about it cuz she won't listen and just gets upset and i don't want to fight so i don't talk about it!! and then she picks the weirdest kid in my ward and starts talking to him about dating and thinks he's so great and starts agreeing with him about how "mormon girls expect too much from guys" with dating and stuff... blah, blah...and it made me so upset!! and how mormons encourage people to date and get married too young and too fast... she got married earlier than my mom or my sister, and i'm the one who's stayed single the longest! argh! i don't expect anything from stupid boys! i know it's a waste of time because i never get anything! geez! my g'ma's always giving me a hard time about my having been upset about the travis-breakup thing. she says i didn't even really know him and it doesn't make sense for me to have been so attached or make such a big deal of it. and i guess in a way she's right. her husband died when they were pretty young and she's been a widow for over 40 years. i know that wasn't easy. but at least she got to have him for a while and knew that he loved her and that he didn't leave her on purpose.
anyway...it's late and i'm digressing...

i have a final that starts in 5-1/2 hours and yet i'm still awake...
how's that for self-sabotage?

Re: Universal Health Care - my responses to the BYU message board postings on facebook

see: http://byu.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=2246535328&topic=3331

#1 - why ought we avoid the argument about poor little children? it seems perfectly valid to me. as far as the US having the "greatest health care system in the world", i think it ought to be obvious that any statement that absolute is bound to be false.

#2 - wise to have phrased this as a question if you're going to go ahead and start making broad statements like that without substantial evidence

#3 - of course they have a tax for health care. but it's instead of paying health insurance premiums. theoretically, you could be paying the same amount, but instead of the excess going to the pockets of the insurance companies it will actually be used for health care. AND interesting choice of terms... "they" and "us"...i was under the impression that we had a government of the people, for the people, and by the people... if the "they" and "us" you are referring to actually exist the "us" are only the people who choose to be uninvolved

#4 - see ryan's #5 which i think is a great point...

#6 - mexico, huh?... i don't think working for the gov't wears away at a person's humanity any more than plenty of other jobs or employers do. i've felt that way lots of places doing lots of things. and most people probably shudder at the thought of insurance agents no matter who employs them.

#7 - well, when the people who can afford better care chip in to build that safety net of their own free will then i suppose everything will be great, so let's just sit around and wait for them to do it, okay? (yes, that was sarcasm) besides, that's what medicare and medicaid are supposed to be - safety nets for people who need it, but those are underfunded because the people who can afford to support those programs don't want to. they might donate when there's a disaster, or around the holidays, but the everyday poor and sick or dying people just aren't special enough i guess.

#10 - well, if persons rights are in conflict, then i suppose value judgments of the situation would depend on what type of right infringement is "worse". maybe "forcing" a health care program on you isn't protecting your "right" to choose better care than other people, but what if in doing so you're denying them a "right" to any care at all? i suppose some people would say that it isn't a "right" to have health care, but frankly i don't think it's a "right" to get better care just becuase you have more money. my property law professor has pointed out multiple times this semester that the constitution specifically protects the rights of "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness" but purposely left out rights of ownership, because ownership is a privilege and responsibility, not a right. by extension, this means that, in a currency-based economic system, having money is a privilege and responsibility, not a right. perhaps this is a lengthy extrapolation, but one could argue that it's more important to protect a dying person's right to life by offering them necessary medical care than it is to protect a rich man's right to spend his money how he wants. in fact, an illegal or tortious act, if committed with the intent to protect life, is protected by the defense of necessity under both civil and criminal law, so as far as policy goes, our society has already shown that it is right and proper to value rights to life over rights to personal property.

#13-17 - see ryan's # 18-19

#22 - self-respect? pride in one's work? human dignity? caring about patients more than money? knowing that your life has meaning and purpose? a sense of personal accomplishment? those aren't motivators?

#23 - i almost took you seriously there, until that crack about the middle class being the largest sector of society. haha! what a great joke! i bet 20 years from now you'll be referring to caucasians as the largest ethnic group in the US too, won't you?

#25 - stellar. three cheers.

#27 - most conservatives run around screaming like crazy when you start talking about welfare for people below the poverty line. in fact, medicare and medicaid are, nowadays, the largest form of public welfare we have. so, your point was what?

#28 - wow, so giving a starving person food isn't generous unless it's better than liver. well, i hope that all the people collecting food for shelters during the holidays know this so that they can make sure and reject all donations that don't meet your standards, since obviously all the poor people would rather go hungry than be insulted when you donate a can of tuna instead of caviar.

(skipping...blah...blah...)

#48 - whatever, liar. you're paying for their time, not for them to fix you. plenty of other people do the same thing. laywers, plumbers, auto mechanics... they charge you by the hour, and if they can't figure out what's wrong or if they can't fix it, a lot of the time you end up paying anyway. one of those perks of capitalism that make it so much better than every other possible system.

#53-54 - heck yes. and this didn't end the argument because why?

#55 - government involvement and regulation does not equal government control and dictatorship

(skipping...blah...blah...)

#71 - oh, wait, you mean a democratic rebublic form of government where every citizen is a participant is a SMALL government...oh, i see now. yes, the founding fathers were definitely interested in keeping government as small as possible... (rolls eyes)
health care for everyone creates social damage? welfare creates a feeling of entitlement? wow. go take SOC 422 on social stratification like i did and then come talk to me again...or i guess they have a less intensive (non-major?) option now 322 on class inequality... i think Dr. Heaton probably teaches both of them and i'm sure he'd be much more persuasive authority than i.

being nice and doing the "right" thing

wow...so, in law school we often talk about "the relationship of the parties" meaning do the two parties in the lawsuit have some type of special ongoing social or business relationship that is worth being protected. it's one reason that parents have tort immunity from suits by their children, and why amicable settlements are preferred when dealing with long-term business relationships: if you sue somebody and get in a big fight, and the court starts making orders and forcing people to do things, chances are it's going to ruin the relationship. but at the same time, sometimes you just have to sue them anyway. sometimes the reason for the fight is, at least from the point of view of one of the parties, worth fighting about.

so, are you ready for me to tie this in with everyday non-lawyer-like life? here goes...

sometimes someone asks if they can come over and you say yes because you can't come up with a good reason to say no, even though that's what you want to say. sometimes you might say it because you know the person needs friends, or because you just don't want to be mean or rude. other times it might be because it's your best friend, or your girlfriend or something and you feel like it's your duty to say yes; because of the relationship you feel that person has a right to come over. but in the long run you being nice and saying yes when you feel like saying no might not really be the best thing. if you're really worried about the relationship and the rights of the other person don't they deserve your honesty about what you think and how you feel? especially if it's directly pertaining to them? if the relationship really ends up ending just because you felt trapped in it, wouldn't it maybe have been better to say no once in a while and have saved the relationship? maybe not. maybe it wasn't a relationship worth saving. but maybe a little honesty could have at least saved someone's feelings, even if the honest things weren't nice.

in law school they say that knowing the "right" thing to do isn't always easy. luckily, a lot of the time knowing how to be nice and do what's best is easy. smile at someone who looks sad, be nice to the person who needs a friend. but at some point "niceness" just isn't enough. maybe little things that seem not as nice sometimes can save you from having to do really big outright mean things in the end. if you talk to someone and are open and honest, you might never have a misunderstanding that you need to sue them over.

and maybe no matter what you do people will get hurt, so just do whatever you want...

"Your relationship will be canceled on save."

[*warning* the following content is a serious pity party. i'm talking crazy emotional ranting and venting. continue at your own discretion]

nothing says goodbye quite like a computer...thank you facebook for making my life so much more real...that's an oxymoron isn't it...oh well...

yesterday i got a text that said i was strong. i almost texted back, "is that way of saying you won't feel bad when you break up with me?" i didn't. it didn't seem very nice...and i was afraid that the answer was yes.

i hardly ever cry in front of people. tonight was the first time that i've actually cried in front of the person who was making me cry (well, excluding immediate family, but that's different). of course that was really just a warm up. as soon as he was gone it started in for real...the heaving sobs that turn into screams...for the first time in my life i think i know what the word "keening" really means...the dictionary is great [keen: A loud, wailing lament for the dead.] no one is dead, except in a way maybe me.

just a week ago i was telling my friend that sometimes my now cancelled relationship seemed too good to be true. funny that it turned out i was right. i gave a talk on hope in church a few weeks ago. strange how at the time i felt really great...and now that word seems like a joke. hope. hope is what you think you have when you're ignoring reality. not that i deny that there's a "bigger picture" - eternity and whatnot - but if eternity is anything like life i think i'd rather cease to exist. we were talking in torts today about "wrongful life" claims. if you could sue God, he'd be getting a complaint alleging that from me right now. instead i'm typing away here, knowing that with my limited blog readership this probably won't make much difference in the world, but what else can i be expected to do when i feel this awful. that word isn't even bad enough... what do i feel... anguish... angst... confusion... regret... self-loathing... frustration. i think that's it. frustration. coupled with some severely disgusting self-loathing. i've said it before and i'll say it again... no matter what i do or how hard i try i'm never enough for anyone. why is that? why do people say those horrible words: "it's not you, it's me"? all it really means is "there isn't anything you can do that will make you good enough for me, so don't waste your time trying." why am i always the not good enough person? why do guys always tell me, while rejecting me, that they feel awful because usually they're the ones being rejected? that kind of adds insult to injury doesn't it? "hi, i'm crap and no one wants me, but what made you think that meant i'd settle for you?"

people make a big deal of saying "i love you" and for good reason i suppose. telling someone you love them is only telling them that they have the power to hurt you, and then inevitably they will. i've only said it once, and i didn't say it until i started to get really scared because i realized that i really didn't want to lose that person.

why is it that when someone breaks your heart they tell you to go home and pray? i suppose because they probably know that if there's anyone you're angrier at right then than yourself and that person, it's probably God. i suppose i'm a horrible person. i spent the whole past month thanking Him for something that apparently He never meant to give me, and now that it didn't work out i wish i could blame God, but i know that really i'm the only one i can be mad at. i should know better than to think that things could work out so nice and beautifully. i shouldn't have let myself slack off on school so much. when i lose my scholarship i'll have no one to blame but myself.

last week my dad said: "i'm so happy for you bridgette. it's about time someone recognized what a great girl you are. i haven't met this guy, but i know that he must be really great." i told him then that he was right. "this guy" was really great, and i was really happy. i really don't know what to tell people, i hate disappointing them. i suppose none of them will be as disappointed as i am. but crying on your daddy's shoulder is nice sometimes. i was going to get my plane ticket so that i could be gone for as little as possible. i was excited because for the first time in my life i wasn't going to be single for the holidays. haha. guess i was expecting a bit too much. maybe i should get a one-way ticket instead.

oh, yeah, in case you missed it, yes we're broken up, and no it wasn't "mutual" and please don't ask me about it unless you want to be included in the wrongful death suit which my parents will be bringing when i die of dehydration from crying too much. or on second thought, go ahead and ask because God can't punish me for committing suicide if i die of something else first.

in case you thought (like i did) that pessimistic, sarcastic, emo bridgette was gone...haha! she's back!

Dream, when you're feelin' blue.
Dream, that's the thing to do. ...
Dream, when the day is through.
Dream, and they might come true.
Things never are as bad as they seem;
So, dream, dream dream.

what a pack of lies. who writes these songs? why am i listening to them?
i don't think i'm going to get any sleep tonight, so homework time i guess...

Jaq's mission call

those of you know know my li'l sister probably know that she didn't come back to utah this semester since she was putting in her mission papers. after they got sent back because of some medical stuff she started to get a little worried, but last week she finally got her call! and, since a lot of people probably don't hear from her very often i thought i'd give you the details:

D.C. south mission, spanish speaking; reporting to the MTC on december 19

bit of a bummer that she won't be home for christmas. this will actually be the first year ever that we haven't all been home for christmas, also b/c nicole and david are having christmas with david's family in california (not that i blame them...closer and better weather). but i am excited because my finals are over on the 14th so i can come down to provo for the weekend and see jacque before she leaves, and then head on home after that. so...if you guys wanna see her maybe we can set something up...little goodbye party or whatnot...i'll have to talk to her and find out how early she's planning on coming down... :D

3 months...

this kid at school yesterday was talking about planning his career, and i said something about not wanting to do that... he suggested that i just quit school and get my "M.R.S." degree, like his fiancee. i heard that plenty at byu, but figured that my failure to get it during my seven years in provo showed that it wasn't a very realistic option for me. that's why i'm in law school to begin with, right?

someone told me when i moved here that i'd be engaged in three months... only a couple weeks until that deadline... possible, but not likely... give it another three and we'll see... sometimes the way travis talks makes me wonder... you might all be invited to a big party this summer... ha! ridiculous...

of course, that kid at school got a D on our contracts midterm, and i got a B... if you can get a B with a bell curve you're doing pretty well i'd say... so maybe the whole "quit school and get married" suggestion just means he's trying to get rid of some of the competition...

sugar high

my law school is cool... my prof's brought us candy... i took way more notes today than i have been lately... wondering if there's a correlation...
anyone doing anything cool for halloween tonight? we did fun stuff on saturday, and travis is taking me out to this cool thai place tonight for a "dress up date" to celebrate that i finished a 10-pg law paper i've been working on all week. i'm excited. happy halloween! :K (<= a scary halloween face?)

happy, happy, happy...

so, a couple weeks ago i was barely recovering from what may have been borderline depression... but now i'm better...really better...way better...so much more better than i've been in a long time...possibly ever...and i'll give you one guess why... if you didn't guess yet, there's a pretty big clue just to the left...

yeah...in case you missed this, my last post, from mid-last week, semi-announced my new non-single relationship status... it is of course still in that "too soon to tell" stage as far as anything really serious, but just in general i am, as it says in the post title: happy, happy happy! i find myself smiling and giggling and generally acting conspicuously giddy, and it's really great. *sigh* (the good kind) hopefully you won't see any more emo song lyrics on here for a while... ;)

adventures in text messaging...

so, i'm dating this guy. it's great. last night we were negotiating our activities for the evening, by text message, and i accidentally hit the "up" button and responded to the oldest instead of newest message on my phone... oops... so now instead of getting back something that says "great, i'm coming over" like i expect, i get one that says "do i have to?" depressing...but then i realize that it was from someone else *phew* but that made even less sense cuz i didn't even know what this person was talking about... and i was like, hold on, why are you texting me...so i texted back, and it turned out they had deleted me from their phone and didn't even know who i was... wow... so i felt kind of stupid... but then my *boyfriend* came over and everything was better... screw stupid people... i'll do a better job of deleting them from my phone from now on...

nightmares and... daymares?

i had a really bad dream last night. in it my friend and her brother were murdered, and my sister and i went to visit her parents, who are good friends of our family, to tell them how sorry we were, etc. and while we were there they committed suicide (since their kids had died) and we called the police, but had to wait all night at their house until they came the next morning...it was really awful and i woke up pretty upset.

then i went to school, where i was supposed to have a midterm, but i got there to find that it had been postponed due to some allegations of honor-code violations which had perhaps compromised the validity of the exam. i was actually kind of bugged because i was feeling really ready for the exam, and i know i probably won't study anymore, but other people will have more time to now, messing up the curve for me, but oh well... but then i got this email asking me to come see the dean about it! aah! no one else got an email! but it turned out that it was just about this practice exam that i had that the tutors had been handing out that someone thought was an actual exam (an old one, but still...) anyway, turns out the professor already knew about and had approved that one, so no harm-no foul for me (or all the other people who had gotten the same one i did from the tutors), but it did kind of scare me, AND made me late for contracts, where my prof called on me to answer questions as soon as i sat down and i didn't even know what he was talking about! eek! but everything worked out okay, i just had a little more adrenaline going on today from all the nervousness, apprehension, etc.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

it has been unusually cold in washington this week. this generally wouldn't bother me. i've lived in enough cold, wintery places. however, the thermostat to the furnace in my house stopped working yesterday, and the indoor temperature has been slowly dropping. when i got up this morning it was about 55*F, and i'm a little afraid of how it's going to be when i get home tonight...

money, money, money

found out some good stuff today...
(1) my student loans were deferred (automatically...i didn't even apply for a deferment...)
(2) my car insurance premium went down
(3) and i got my last paycheck from jamba, which was bigger than i expected with bonuses, and a gift card and a cute note...oh yay!

"i'd rather push a chevy than drive a ford"

- that's from a sticker i saw on the window of an old-beat-down chevy truck. reminds me of home. TGIF! there were a variety of things that made me really happy today, including that sticker, the fact that it is the weekend, the yummy food at JRCLS, the fact that i was thinking about a friend who surprisingly called me only an hour later (which is crazy since we've only talked once in the past six months or so...maybe he has "espn"...haha...), and WATCHING THE NEW EPISODE OF THE OFFICE!! i don't get any tv stations at home, so i downloaded it this afternoon, and watched it after i got most of my studying done and dang it made me laugh! HA! here are some of my favorite highlights:

1. meredith on the front of michael's car
2. the look on jim's face when pam says what she was buying on the internet
3. jim dumping karen = empty desk
4. kevin: "are you kidding me?!" = oscar: "there is no evidence of intimacy. they've been in remarkably good moods."
5. michael making it seem like he saved meredith, when he was the one who hit her...and making it sound like she wasn't going to make it..."pelvical"
6. speed bump on the highway...
7. dwight: "it's only meredith"..."did she spurn your advances?"
8. "so who is the real boss? the dog or a fish?"
9. i don't think you understand how jeopardy works... oh, right, i'm sorry, what is: we're fine.
10. everybody inside the car was fine, stanley
11. so sue me...no, don't sue me...
12. tying balloons to iv
13. you are not forgiven = climb on my hospital bed? aah!
14. "monkey": "when you saw her how was she looking?" D: "really dead. like just a dead cat."
15. it is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit meredith with my car
16. i'm not superstitious, but i am a little bit stitious
17. blink once if you want me to pull the plug
18. if there was a god then ryan and i would be married by now
19. maybe there's some sort of animal that we could make a sacrifice to
20. like pb&j
21. sneaky! hahahaha! yessss!!!!!
22. michael scott's dunder mifflin scranton meredith palmer memorial celebrity rabies awareness fun run pro-am race for the cure
23. bracelet: "support the rabid"
24. rabies quilt
25. back in olden times a large fat person like this...
26. i'm petrified of nipple-chafing
27. but all of my bags of frozen french fries were clawed to shreds
28. i'm not depressed [whack] i'm in grief
29. and also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor. what about a rabies nurse?
30. have you met that kid?
31. what are you doing?! you said come in!
32. dangling participle
33. i do not recommend this strategy. try imagining them with more clothes on, or a funny coat
34. i don't know what your deal is, but he's mine
35. [picture of meredith] that should scare you. it scares me.
36. taxidermist
37. michael puking...
38. andy's bloody shirt... wow...
39... who cares... #40 PAM&JIM!!! yes!!!

i want my daddy...

for the first time in my life, i want a priesthood blessing and i feel like i don't have anyone to call. if i've been assigned home teachers, i don't know who they are. even when, during the transience of student wards in provo, i've been home-teacher-less, i've always had friends i could call... but not anymore. i've been lucky to have a great dad, and great friends in provo. but that doesn't help me much right now...

getting angry...

i don't very often...get angry, that is...a friend told me it's because i take too much responsibility for things. instead of being offended when people treat me badly, i assume that it's because of something that i've done, so instead of getting angry at the other person, i just feel hurt and upset at myself. but what do i do about that? getting angry isn't the right thing to do either. i suppose i just shouldn't take things so personally and/or seriously that i get hurt, but that doesn't seem possible either...it's my life! why shouldn't i take it personally and seriously? and getting angry won't change how i feel, only the way i express it. i dunno. maybe if i got angry instead of being hurt and sad then the people who are affecting me would realize it and take me seriously and quit treating me like that. or maybe i'd just be in fights with people all the time. who wants to be friends with someone who's mad all the time? probably no one. but it doesn't seem that anyone wants to be friends with a depressed girl either. sigh... so, back to the fake cheerfulness again... that's life i guess...

question...

sigh...i just deleted over 2/3 of my messenger contacts. i never talk to them so i figured, what's the point? i think i need to do the same on my phone. why do i have all these numbers of people i never call? so i'll recognize the number if they call me i guess, but how often does that happen? not very... but this leads me to a bigger question... what is the difference between a friend who you never talk to, and a person with whom you are no longer friends? i've been in WA going to law school for six weeks now, and inevitably this has changed my social interactions in a variety of ways. but even when i was still in provo i recognized the fact that sometimes people just sort of drift away. someone moves, or gets married, and suddenly someone who was once a part of your daily life isn't anymore. you meet new people, and life goes on. social circles shift and change, and that's a part of life. but for me this has always been sad, and sometimes really hard to deal with. doing this deleting is hard because it's like admitting that i'm not friends with them anymore. a couple of people i've met here who are now my friends on facebook have commented to me about how i have so many facebook friends...about 350 or something now, and that it's amazing because 99% of them are people i know in real life. *sigh* but very few of them are people i'm actually in contact with, even just on facebook. i'm trying really hard to not feel lonely, and remember that i have friends, but when the list of lost friends seems so much longer then the list of people who are actually in my life it makes me really sad. i know...life is busy...i don't have time for everyone anyway...i guess i just wish that i felt like it bothered any of them as much as it bothers me...

haha - NOT FUNNY!

so, went to my normal study area at school. i like it. there's usually nobody around so it's quiet. been studying here pretty much every day for the past month. but today there was an invader, and not the normal kind. sometimes someone else will be around, quietly studying, or stop and chat after class, or something...but this girl is killing me. not only does she have a squeaky-scratchy-whiney annoying voice, she then randomly breaks out in obnoxious laughter at whatever is being said to her on IM... ugh... sick.

confusion

life is strange. i know, i'm a master at stating the obvious. seriously, though, i just really don't understand anything. i moved a month ago, and i'm starting to get into a routine, but it seems kind of solitary... i used to have good friends to lean on, and i probably leaned on them too much; i've lost at least one of them for good and the suddenness of it has made it harder.

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

i'm trying to build a new life, but i feel like i can't fill in the void quickly enough, and it's left me just feeling really confused, and vulnerable. i can see myself jumping into things too quickly, and i'm a little afraid of where that might take me...

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

engaged

(did you think i meant me? haha! yeah right...)

my old roommate recently got engaged...which was a bit of a surprise since they haven't been dating that long and i've never even met the guy!

but also, another friend too! of course, i heard he was "secretly" engaged a while back, so i was just sort of waiting for it to happen...we don't really talk much anymore...

dang...good ol' provo...

quitter

i quit listening to music except when i'm in the car. this is weird. but it helps with the emotional-numbness that i need lately so i can study.

somtimes i ask myself what the freak i think i'm doing going to law school... but i'm no quitter...

but maybe that would be good sometimes... like, being able to stop caring about things you can't control... caring about people is good most of the time, but sometimes it just makes life hard...

people who smoke though, they should definitely try harder to build quitter skillz.

(fill in the blank) pt. 2: "waz up"

sometimes you can be really upset and sad and frustrated, and life just sucks in all kinds of ways... and then *ding*...six little characters (counting the space of course)...and you know that somebody's listening to your prayers...and even though the sad things are still there, you can't help but smile...

(fill in the blank)

the person i want to talk to is apparently unavailable. the person i want to leave me along is hounding me. why is this? i am feeling a little confused. i hurt. and i am really really tired.

fish is bad

our neighbor brought us some smoked trout. i'm generally not a fan of fish (if you know about my aversion to salmon you should know why), but g'ma said i should just try a little bit. so, she cut me a little piece, maybe 1 in x 1 in and 1/8 in thick...little, little piece... i ate it. it was good. felt fine. figured my problem must just be a salmon thing. ate dinner (no more fish though...corn, zucchini, some beans, and hawaiian sweet bread...yum). then went back to studying...
about three hours later i start feeling somewhat nauseated. laid down on the couch for a bit. got up, but felt worse and went into the bathroom...few minutes later flushed my dinner down the toilet. g'ma felt really bad.
i really need to learn my lesson and quit eating fish. even just little, little bits. ugh.

massage the facts

law school is interesting. really big on professionalism and ethics...but when it comes right down to it, you're supposed to find all the details and fit them to match what you want or need... but only if it's a reasonable factual possibility. no lying or presumption... but you can and are supposed to "massage the facts". we had a guest speaker in my criminal law class who was a federal defense lawyer. someone asked a question and used the phrase "get off on a technicality" and he told us "there's no such thing as a technicality. it's called the constitution." pretty interesting stuff sometimes.

i just made a good comment in class. prof said we're better than the last class. not to brag. i have to think of these things to keep me from a panic attack. they curve everything. and i've got a scholarship to keep. i'm always glad when someone proves they're dumber than me. makes me less scared. generally i'm more motivated to study more than i ever have been. this is good.

not waiting by the phone

two guys asked for my number last night. both of them used it within 24 hours. unfortunately i have way too much schoolwork to make use of that right now. but it speaks hopefully of my future.

do re mi fa so la di frickin da

went to gonzaga choir auditions today. much simpler than byu. my aural and sight singing performance kinda sucked, but that was partly due to the fact that they were having a piano sale in the choir room and there were people testing them out, which was rather distracting. but the auditioner asked me which one i wanted to be in and which part i'd prefer singing. basically i rock and can do whatever i want. well, not really, but it's nice to pretend sometimes.

*sigh* yesterday and today i have done much less in the way of studying that i ought. feeling not very motivated and highly distracted. distracted by what? well, nothing really, since i basically have no life. distracted by my own mind i suppose. i'm a daydreamer. real life mostly sucks. or i just have bad luck. smack me if you want. somebody told me something last night and i asked why and they said bad luck, and when i really think about it, it makes me want to smack them. but i don't because i know it would be pointless. they wouldn't understand why, and even if they did, they'd just be annoyed. not by the smack. by my reasoning which caused the desire to smack them, which they would say is silly.

i am silly of course. which must be obvious i suppose.
"how would i describe myself? three words: hardworking, alpha-male, jack-hammer... merciless, insatiable." - dwight schrute
hmm...okay so none of that other stuff applies, except the insatiable, but i am i think. that necessarily creates a variety of problems, which i generally deal with very badly.

well, i'm going to a wedding tonight. my cousin's cousin. so, hanging out with a bunch of people i don't know. maybe i'll meet some boys. blah. pointless. they're all just thinking "can i do better?" of course they can. even the ugly ones are thinking that there's always a possibility. my best chance at marriage is to find someone with an overwhelming sense of duty and then tricking him into getting me knocked up so he'll decide he has to. unfortunately that's against my religion, and i happen to be rather attached to my religion. you'd think i would've gotten used to the pointlessness of my social life after 7 years in provo. somehow i got this idea that things would change if i left. unfortunately, no matter where i go i'm still just me. oh well.

making fun of republicans

my civil procedure professor is really nice. he had us each fill out these surveys about ourselves on the first day of class, and then he compiled them and picked out some interesting/funny things to share at the beginning of class today. someone, in the section on "interests" wrote "making fun of republicans". my friend alan, who was sitting in front of me (and apparently will from now on since we filled out a seating chart today) turns around with this funny look on his face.

B: hey! i did not write that.
A: [shakes head]
B: what's that for?
A: maybe not, but it sounds like something you'd say.

he's still cool though. at the end-ish of class my friend melissa asked me what it means to be "a priestholder" in the lds church (she's been watching that weird polygamy show...haha) and alan and i gave her a little tutorial on basic church structure and stuff...it was pretty cool. and this one other guy and dr. hess stayed and were listening...double, no triple cool. going to a catholic school where there are tons of mormons is pretty much the awesomest when it comes to missionary experiences, cuz everybody kind of knows who the mormons are and we talk about church stuff all the time. i love it.

leader of the pack

so, yesterday this kid sits next to me at this meeting after class and asks, "so, how's the gang?" yes, apparently i am the ringleader of a female law school gang. really it started i think with me and these two girls melissa and katherine, who all met last week during orientation. katherine and i have all six of our classes together, and most of them are with a couple other girls, one of whom our contracts professor kept calling jennifer, even though her name is really stephanie, and the other is named ayanna...yes she's black*, and you say it like this: ah-YAH-nuh...anyway, that's the core of the gang...sometimes other people come along to lunch or to study or whatever...we're a rather open kind of gang. and apparently i am the leader of this gang. katherine says it's because i talk the most. i probably do. oh well. really it's just that they think i'm funny because i'm a mormon-wannabe-skank. only they laugh cuz i'm too mormon and not skanky enough to be much of anything except silly and entertaining :D

we've been discussing grades amongst ourselves quite a bit the past few days. all of our classes are curved...those of us who are on scholarship need at least a 2.75 to keep it...but if you fall to a 2.3 you're on academic probation...dang...that whole thing about C's getting degrees isn't true in law school... C's get you kicked out of school. dang. but like i told the gang, i'm planning on being smarter than the average person. hopefully i'll have some leadership skills when it comes to the curve too. haha!

* my friend cory would probably say that this is our token minority; that way if we should suddenly find ourselves in the middle of a horror flick, we'll know who's going to die first. how horrible! actually, she's pretty smart, and i'm hoping that as law school slowly becomes more and more like a horror flick that she'll manage to stay alive, since we'll probably need her.

spider-pig

(sing to the tune of the spiderman theme song...(duh))

spider-pig, spider-pig,
does whatever a spider-pig does.
can he swing from a web?
no he can't, he's just a pig...

(haha...just taking a break from the stack of textbooks...hope you enjoyed that as much as i did :)

waiting by the phone

so, i realized that since i've moved i don't use my phone so much...
but, just for fun, here's a rundown of who i still talk to: (most recent first)

dialed calls: mom, jaq, nic, amber, malorie...
incoming calls: mom, amber, mom, malorie...
text msgs rcvd: rex, rex, ryan, joe, rex, rex, rex, rex, rex, rex, rex, JD

there is one new person on this list...hopefully soon i'll find some more new people to call me so i won't feel so un-popular...haha!

does anyone else find it strange and/or coincidental that all the calls are from females, and all the texts are from males?

oh, and i dare you to read that text list 10 times fast...or just say "text list" ten times fast...haha!

dance, dance pt.2

decided to get to know some people. went to a YSA dance here in spokane, and dang it if i didn't meet the coolest guy! he introduced me to some of his friends, and then we went out afterward, and i didn't come home until 2 or something. hoping my cuz didn't mind that i ended up not calling him to go do whatever he was doing because i was having so much fun already.

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.

greenbluff...

...is this really cool road that wraps around this mountain, and basically everyone who lives on this road has some kind of farm or orchard, and you can stop at practically any house and buy some sort of fresh fruit or berries, or vegetables, and some of the bigger farms have actual farmers market stores or shops, and sell quilts and antiques and stuff, and pies and all sorts of cool things. g'ma took me up there today afer we washed my car and did some laundry and stuff, and now she's going to get my aunt linda from the home where she's living right now. i don't know that i've mentioned her before. different than my psycho aunt mary, the bipolar wedding crasher. linda is mentally retarded and autistic. my g'ma took care of her for a long, long time, but finally sent her somewhere else to live. it's pretty cool now though cuz she has a job and stuff, which is kind of a big thing. but g'ma gets her on weekends and stuff to visit, and it's really cute. it's totally different now that i'm a grown-up. when i was a kid i was really afraid of her, especially when she'd get upset. funny thing though: babies are always "bridgette". like, whenever our family was visiting whoever was the youngest was "bridgette". she always makes up other names for me. kinda funny.

$952.42

that's how much i spent on textbooks today. law school is expensive. and tiring. it hasn't even started yet and i'm already tired. in the law library orientation thing we had today they showed us that at the circulation desk they have a box of earplugs, and a basket full of large bottles of a variety of over-the-counter drugs (aspirin, ibuprofen, etc.) the most common beverages this week were coffee, tea, pepsi, mt. dew, and water. not quite byu. i guess that's how everyone else deals with the tiredness... it's good i like water :) time to read some more...again...

pics from wash

this is my g-ma, riding her bike, which she does most mornings about the time i leave for school.


this is a street i drive by every day on my way to school. guess who it reminds me of...haha!

i think i'm gonna like it heeeeere!

imagine me singing that as little orphan annie...hope that makes you laugh a little...

anyway, today was an interesting day, but good. i'm in that kind of lonely-ish place right now, and was pacing around the house thinking all sorts of things that were just going to lead me to being really upset...and i already started randomly crying once today...so, i decided it was time to sit and write some of the the happy, good, fun, exciting, non-scary, non-sad things that happened...

got up early, made it to school early...met some nice boys, and some cute boys, and some of them were single, and some were lds (although most weren't both...dang)... law school is going to be a lot of work, but seems manageable (if i can just get focused and stop wasting time with the upset-pacing)...got some jamba, found the building where the singles ward that i think i'll be going to meets, got cheap gas, talked to a nice random lady who asked where i got my shirt... hmm...and don't forget: free room and board, and lots of other things too...plus a nifty scholarship...makes my life a lot easier...if i can just keep focused on the good stuff and stop worrying about other stuff...

you know, that seems to be a typical thing in life though...focusing on the good instead of the bad...i know that God gives everyone their own mix of blessings and trials, but sometimes i wonder if the things that are our trials are our biggest worries because they are our trials, or if they're our trials because their our biggest worries...does that make sense? like, do we get upset about whatever it is that God hasn't made how we want it? or does God specifically not give us whatever it is we really want because that will be the most effective trial? hmm...maybe a bit of both i suppose...

sometimes though it seems i come really close to having just what i want...not quite, but close...just have to remember to be happy and appreciate it for what it is and quit wishing that it were something else or something more... maybe i just live too much in my daydreams and not enough in reality...oh well...

i have a 45 page article on cross-cultural lawyering to read, among other things... *sigh* just gotta put myself into my work, and maybe all this silly stuff will go away... or i just need to be with people more... when i'm with people i'm much happier than when i'm by myself...with other people it's easier to be my party self instead of my pity-party self...haha

oh, speaking of party selves, i promised more fun g'ma stories...
so, this afternoon while i was at school, my g'ma went out to lunch with some friends...except "out to lunch" actually means, out for appetizers and margaritas...yep, g'ma and the cronies, all in their late 70s or whatever, out drinking margaritas in the middle of the day...haha...and apparently she was talking about this to the really elderly lady that she takes care of sometimes, and she might take her "out to lunch" sometime...yeah, the 90-year-old one...haha...
she aksed me if i knew what a margarita was...i said we make virgin ones sometimes...she says they're better with taquila...i think she has some in the cupboard, no, wait, maybe that was vodka...haha, oh well...

laundry and nudity

more fun g'ma stories...

so, i think i told you about the dishwasher, but i didn't mention the washer/dryer situation...well, the situation is that there isn't a dryer...i don't think she's ever had one. we hang everything out to dry on the clothesline, which most of the year is outside, until it gets too wintery. which is cool i guess. but is probably more interesting when you're like me and have a variety of fetishes including victoria's secret and leopard print... and then i'm studying and g'ma's like, oh, i'll fold those for you... and then she's teasing me..."ooh! sexy!" she says...mildly awkward. haha!

anyway, later tonight i'm up cuz i can't sleep (as usual) making some hot chocolate and whatev, and g'ma gets up to use the restroom or whatev, and it's good she grabs the robe when she does, cuz apparently she likes to sleep in the nude. not just likes - does. well, i'm mildly scandalous that way too when i have my own room, but somehow when it's your really old grandma it seems strange. like, grandmas ought to wear big lacey nightgowns or soemthing... silly thought i guess. but, you know, i plan on being just like my g'ma (in this respect at least...and probably others too) ...scandalous for life...i'm thinking that this is something i ought to add to my list of reasons why i'd make a good wife...not that i've actually made that list yet, but i'm pretty sure it'd be pretty long, and pretty good too...haha!

we're not in kansas anymore, toto

or, i'm not in provo anymore, tigger...since i came to wa by myself...and my g'ma has a cat named tigger...who i'm probably allergic to, but luckily stays outside most of the time...

so, i have a feeling that i'm going to have all sorts of great stories for you [anybody who actually reads this] now that i'm off in spokane...

it's only day one, but already i'm finding all sorts of funny goings-on...

didn't go to church today...kind of bad, i know...but i slept in kind of late after the big trip, and then since nickie and david had to get back to slc tonight and were leaving pretty quick my aunt/uncle/cousins came for a little visit...all except kenny...apparently he went to some bar last night with austin and his [austin's] girlfriend paige, but then went off somewhere else with some girl...they couldn't remember her name, but think it starts with a j...haha...anyway, later austin and paige went off to find him...

haha, speaking of drinking...my uncle loves telling this story about one time when he broke his foot just after my mom got home from her mission...he went to the hospital, but they told him he'd have to come back the next day, and sent him off without any pain medication or anything...so he's laying in the living room with his foot up, moaning and whatnot, and my mom comes in and asks if he's okay. he tells her to go get him a 6-pack of beer, and then it won't hurt so bad and he'll go back to sleep. but my mom, the good little mormon convert just off a mission won't of course, but does suggest that she call the missionaries to give him a blessing, or as my uncle says "lay hands on him"...haha... he told her only to call them if they'd stop and bring him the 6-pack. haha...don't think he ever got any beer that night...
and my grandma has what seems to me to be quite a bit of alcohol stashed around the kitchen...not that she's much of a drinker, and i know some/most of it is probably more for cooking...just funny cuz i'm not used to it.

oh, and while i'm checking out the kitchen i realize that she does have a dishwasher, but it looks a bit antique. looked inside, and it's a crazy old-school top loader! there seem to be a lot of empty bottles stashed in there, along with some granola bars and ramen noodles. i'm pretty sure that if it even works, it hasn't been used in forever, except maybe as some extra cupboard space...haha

g-ma has been gone most of the day though. on sundays and thursdays she takes care of this elderly lady...not that my grandma isn't old enough to be elderly herself, but she's only like 78 or something, and the other lady is like 90. plus, my g-ma is suprisingly spry...especially considering the whole post-cancer thing.

she has this quote on the refridgerator:

thank god every morning when you get up that you have something to do that day which must be done, whether you like it or not. being forced to work, and forced to do your best, will breed in you temperance and self-control, diligence and strength of will, cheerfulness and content and a hundred vitrues which the idle never know. work is the best wonder drug ever devised by god.

that is totally my g-ma...i suppose i'll just let you read some of the stuff that happens later, and you'll see what i mean...haha

priorities

haha...so the cleaning check lady knocked on the door a few minutes ago, and this was seriously one of the best things ever. i open the door and say "hi! we fail." none of us cleaned at all...except that we emptied out the storage closet...but with all of my stuff mostly-moved out, and garbage laying everywhere our apartment was probably the biggest disaster. empty pizza box on the table...seriously bags and bags of garbage, so many dirty dishes...and after all the other spotlessly clean apartments it probably looked soooo much worse. all the people in the apartment after us who could have failed but didn't owe us $5 or something...haha...she came in anyway to go over this end of the semester checklist....stupid that we even had cleaning checks when everyone will be moved out in a week anyway...oh well. it was almost worth it just to see the look of awed disgust on her face as she surveyed the filth, as we sat smiling at her like it was no biggie. oh, and definitely worth it for the other things i was doing last night instead of cleaning.

the list

so, while attmpting to organize my belongings, i was inspired to attempt reorganizing my life in general, and starting school again seems like a good opportunity. and to do so i have chosen ten categories, ranked them, and chosen amounts of time per week to allot to each. the times are estimates, and items which necessitate more time can take time only from areas given lower priority ranking...ideally at least... haha.


(1) attending church: 3.5 hours (includes a buffer for getting there a bit early, some socialization afterward, and travel time)

(2) reading scriptures: 3 hours

(3) attending classes: 20 hours (including commuting time, but not time between classes)

(4) attending institute: 2 hours(hopefully including travel time...need to get some more details on that one)

(5) studying: 30 hours (the estimate they give for BYU undergrads is 2 hours out for every hour in...i'm using that as a rough estimate, but i know this may be a lowball...it is law school after all...argh...)

(6) personal grooming: 15 hours (yeah, i know that seems like a lot of time, but i've decided that i need to do some de-uglifying and de-frumpifying if i'm going to pull of this i'm the shiz thing...)

(7) exercise: 4 hours (not much, i know, but i'm lazy and unathletic...this would be good for me...maybe i'll up it if i can...i'm thinking about trying the studying on a treadmill bit or something...??)

(8) social/free/misc: 24 hours (seems like a lot, but there's a lot of random things to do during the day... this would also include ward/ysa activities, talking to friends/family on the phone or im or whatever...reading the board, random online stuff, email....and acts as a free time buffer when moving from one activity to another...really not that much after all...oh, and some dates maybe? uuh...that's why i put #6&7 above this one...haha)

(9) sleeping: 56 hours (just your typical 8 hrs a night...got a feeling this will be an area i steal from a lot...just check the time this is posting to see how that works...)

(10) eating: 10.5 (30 min per meal... seems doable...at the end of the list because i have a love/hate relationship with food...i love it, and i hate myself for it...so if i can keep busy enough maybe i won't eat so much, which would probably make #s 6&7 more effective...haha)


anyway... this is just sort of a goal i guess. we'll see how it works in practice. hopefully i can make use of some multitasking as well... the exercising while studying idea... or eating while on a date or studying...or studying on a date? haha! ...what about studying while sleeping :P that would be nice...

kendall patrick payne

i freaking love facebook cuz it helps me get back in touch with old friends. most recently i'm freaking happy about the fact that my friend pat found me. he was one of my best guy friends in high school. i think he is one of the few guys who has actually called me on the phone to ask me on a date. that sounds weird, but it seems like now-a-days guys are too scared to go about things the old fashioned way and just call them up and do it. haha...but i think his mom told me that he was kind of freaking out about it. but i'm glad he did it anyway. one of the few people in high school who took me on a date as a first choice and not a last-resort-substitute. maybe the only one. we never really dated, and he did have some other girlfriends, but i just adored the kid, and probably had a pretty big-ish crush on him too. the kind where you know you're just friends, but you wonder about the potential aspect. anyway, he moved away and i haven't seen him in forever. but, haha, i used to have dreams about him sometimes. that he'd move up to the Y. usually kind of out of the blue, but they always made me so happy that it might happen. but never did. sad day. and then he wrote and told me that he finally might. but i'm leaving now. bummer.

but anyway...ode to pat... i remember our double date with bonnie (pat's sister) and anthony (who counts as a brother in pat's family and mine :). went to go see the movie entrapment. according to imdb this must have been apr/mar 1999...long time ago... we also went to the brian setzer concert with our friends tom and tasha. so much fun. we danced and danced, and then got this flyer for this swing club and went and danced some more. those are some golden memories for me. then pat got a girlfriend. bummer for me, but she seemed nice, so i was happy for him. he still gave me a foot massage after work this one time at a party...haha...random memories...sweet guy. haha, bonnie, anthony, tom, and tasha are all married now, and most of them have babies too. weird. life is good sometimes. i need to spend more time remembering happy things.

eye contact

the other day this customer at work was looking at me. that sounds so normal that to bother pointing it out seems funny. but he was looking at me. like, even when i looked down or away, he didn't. i'd turn to motion toward something on the menu or get his change, but i could tell that he was still just looking at me. this seems weird sometimes because i think most people have this sense of giving others a certain amount of social distance, and this guy didn't, and i noticed. it happens once in a while, and i'm like, gee, why is this guy looking at me like that?...weird... and i have to admit that it makes me wonder if maybe he thinks that maybe i'm kind of cute or something...which is nice...maybe not true, but a nice little hope. anyway, so i decided that it's time to start reminding myself how to flirt. i kind of gave up on guys and dating and stuff a while ago, but since i'm moving it might be a good time to stop being scared and start being fun.

so here's a preliminary list of things i'm going to try and work on...

eye contact, smiling, speaking with appropriate levels of volume, referring to myself and others in a way that reflects a more positive attitude, BE CONFIDENT! be happy, laugh easily (but not uncontrollably, or annoyingly ;)

anyway, i'm sure i'll think of more, but that's enough to start with, don't you think?

at any rate...some of my experiences of late have been rather enlightening and, uh...educational...hoping to be able to put it to future use...and then i had a lot of fun eatin some popsicles...

(oh, and in case you were wondering, that funk from my last post went away pretty quickly...i feel pretty much better now:)

watch out!! this is gonna be long...

i feel like i haven't written anything on here in so long! only a couple days really, but, anyway...

so, i'm starting to freak out about moving. getting things organized is so hard and takes so much longer than i expect. it makes me all upset and restless. plus, it always seems that things have to get messier before they get cleaner, you know? you have to pull everything out from where you've stashed it and try to make some sense out of it all. i have a feeling that in about a week i'm going to give up the organizing and just start throwing things in boxes and hoping that i don't forget something important.

i start law school in ten days. that freaks me out a little. starting to say goodbye to some of my friends and coworkers and the whole packing thing makes it seem a lot more real. it's funny, cuz i've spent a lot of my life not liking my life, and hoping that i can do something to change it and make it better, but i always seem to fall into the same rut. sometimes i wish i could just quit. that it could just be over. it's too hard, and no matter how often i start over i always have the same problems. i'm my own worst enemy. i know that happiness comes from inside and the gospel and everything, but isn't it normal to be upset when your life isn't what you wanted? when you aren't who you want to be, but you don't know what to do about it? i just keep telling God that if he isn't going to give me what i want then he'd better have something pretty awesome waiting for me after all this crap cuz otherwise he might as well just end it now. sometimes i just don't want to play anymore. sometimes it seems like the whole atheist abyss of nothing seems really nice.

that's a horrible thing to say, and i know it, and i guess maybe i don't really mean it.

i hate moving.

when i was a kid we moved a ton...from utah to florida, back to utah, back to florida, to michigan, somewhere else in michigan, to california, somewhere else in california, back to michigan, somewhere else in michigan...i managed to stay in the same place for high school though, even though my sisters went to three different elementary schools there. but even when we didn't move it was like there was always the threat of moving looming overhead...i can remember living places where we didn't even take our stuff out of storage...we rented some basic furniture and my sisters and i slept on air mattresses...i hated it. i hated knowing that trying to make friends was a waste of time because just when i started to settle in we'd leave again and i'd never see them again. there was this one girl then who lived in the same complex as us, but a different building. we were in different classes at school, but she was one of my best friends for the year or so we were there. a few years later she moved into the same school i did. i was so excited! finally one of my long-lost friends wasn't lost anymore! but she didn't seem to care. wouldn't even talk to me. that was hard. i'd always thought that all my long-lost friends were still my friends even though they were lost, but that sort of burst the bubble for me. i'd spent my whole life remembering all these people in all these places, only to realize that they'd probably forgotten about me long ago. you know someone maybe six months or a year, but then you never see them again and it's like they don't exist. only i was the one who didn't exist. ever. to anyone. i have one friend from high school that i kept in contact with. but she's been married for a couple years now. i call her when i go home, but the past few times we haven't even seen each other.

so i tell myself that it's good to have a fresh start, but inside i don't think i really believe that. i feel like i'm erasing myself again and going back to being nobody. i'll smile and try to be friendly and funny, but inside i'll know it's a waste because eventually they'll leave and none of it will matter. i try so hard and care so much about my relationships with other people. they say that's all we can take from this life, right? but it seems like a lot of wasted effort if when i die i get to the other side and there's nobody there who recognizes or remembers me. might as well stay here and be a ghost. or just go into nothing where i don't have all the happy people around reminding me of how crappy i feel and how lonely i am.

i'm afraid i do it to myself though. i'm the person who's so afraid of losing something that they hold on too tight and end up killing it instead. i take things too seriously and care too much and hold on too tightly and desperately. and then the very people who i want to be close to are scared away. and rightly so i suppose. i expect too much. maybe normal people are content with casual friends, people to occupy their time until they find someone better. i leave too much of my self-identity in the care of other people. peope who are most likely taking care of their own and don't have time for mine.

i warned you this was going to be long...but i guess i didn't realize i'd get this carried away and depressing too...sorry. i'm really naturally a happy person with a happy disposition. i try to be hopeful. i try to make other people happy. i try really hard to be nice and do the right things. but maybe the whole time it's really selfish cuz i'm just hoping that somehow it'll make me feel real, instead of someone who sits at home alone writing in blogs to imaginary audiences. in the middle of the night.

anyway, hopefully i'll like washington. i'll forget all my childish fears about my own non-existence and make some friends, even if they are only temporary, and at least have a little fun when i can find the time. maybe i'll even learn how to study; i've got to admit that i've never been good at skipping fun for studying. study would maybe be more productive.

and crap, i hope i manage to get a boyfriend before i'm thirty. i honestly am okay with not getting married and having babies right off, but dang it would be nice to have somebody to pal around with who likes me and who i can be comfortable being real with instead of always being worried about crossing boundaries or being too familiar. saying what i really mean and think and feel and who'll do the same back. maybe even just a best friend would do, since boyfriends seem a little out of reach for me.

anyway, this has been crazy, tired, middle-of-the-night bridgette, and not even what i intended to write about at all! hopefully you really will forget her. even femi-nazi bridgette might be easier to deal with. gah! she didn't even get her own tirade, and she's had a few stewing. oh well... leave those for another time...haha!

small talk

i like musicals. some more than others. one in particular i haven't managed to watch in its entirety, but there's this one song that i like...it's funny, and the guy has a great voice...

i don't wanna talk small talk
now that i'm alone with you
i don't wanna talk small talk
we've got bigger things to do
...why don't you stop all this small talk
i've got somethin' better for your lips to do
and that takes no talk at all...

that's what i call getting to the point. dang. more guys need to learn how to do that. doesn't hurt if they've got the voice to go with it.

NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU B!*@#

that was my favorite part of this last harry potter book. i guess i liked it. it was entertaining to read and had a happy ending where everything works out how you'd like it to. i like happy endings. guess i'm not a huge fan cuz i'm not really that sad it's the end. and i didn't cry when anyone died either. one of my friends said she was bawling throughout the last couple hundred pages. i dunno. i cry about real life more than books lately. anyway...that was my favorite line...

i am the shi[z]

yes, that was censored...

i have a tendency toward self-disparaging attitudes. i tend to be talkative and outgoing, which is often seen initally as confidence. however, the better you get to know me the more likely you are to realize that this is just my way of compensating for or trying to distract people from the things about myself about which i am insecure. often my friends/family tell me that these insecurities are unfounded or that i need to calm down and stop worrying, and sometimes i feel better, but i always seem to fall back into my habits of negative thinking and speaking about myself.

the other night someone told me that i just need to stop all the negative and fearful thinking and tell myself "i am the shi[z]" and just be confident. somehow this seemed more empowering than the young women's divine nature/infinite worth method. (which is of course valid, but just doesn't have the same kick to it.) since i'm moving soon and starting fresh it seems like an ideal opportunity to try and recreate a more positive self-image and present myself as a happier more confident person, and hopefully actually BE that happier more confident person. so, i'm going to attempt to tweak my wardrobe and let myself be a little more high-maintenence (meaning, like, average instead of low...) and instead of walking around thinking... "wow, all these people are hotter than me. i am an idiot...what am i doing with my life...why do i look, and feel, like trash...everybody hates me i'm going to go eat worms...." i'm going to walk around thinking... "da[ng] i look dead sexy today! he[ck] yes! i am the shi[z]! i'm going to [do whatever thing i usually wouldn't because i'm too scared]."

and if people react in a negative or unanticipated manner, or if things don't always go how i want, i won't automatically take it as a sign that there is something wrong with me, but rather just think, "dude, why are you being dumb? i am the shi[z]!"

i don't expect all of my fears and passive-aggressive behaviors will stop immediately, but hopefully i can apply the "fake it 'til you make it" technique.

backhanded compliments

had an okay weekend. lots of work, but managed to do some fun stuff too. went to a couple of wedding receptions.

so, i'm sitting at this table with some old people, and they're giving me the basic rundown...here's a vague recreation:

old dude: do you live here in pleasant grove?
me: no, i live in provo.
old dude: oh, do you go to byu?
me: i did, but i graduated about a year ago.
old dude: oh, where is your husband?
me: oh, um, i don't have one...uh...[laugh]...[mumbling]...[was he kidding?]
old dude: what? how could that have happened?
me: [more mumbling and nervous laughter]
old dude: well, you must have a boyfriend then
me: no, never had any of those...
old dude: but aren't you a manager of that place where you work?
me: yeah
old dude: well, college graduate, good job, isn't that what young men are looking for these days?
me: [ha! in my dreams maybe!]
old dude: maybe you work too much. do you go to lots of dances?
me: [relieved to be interrupted by some relative of the old dude...but then disappointed as he brings new lady into convo]
old dude: she isn't married! can you believe it?
lady: well, a beautiful girl like you is only single because she chooses to be.

thankyou, thankyou... it's time for me to leave now and go to work. yes. i'm a workaholic. i'm a feminazi and hate men and my career at jamba juice is so important to me that i've been constantly turning down all those marriage proposals...

herpes

it's true. i looked it up. i discovered today that i have a cold sore. never had one before. thought i'd look into it. type 1 herpes. only little, but it will probably get worse before it gets better.

on the brighter side, my apartment has stayed really clean for three days straight. yay! my paycheck was bigger than i expected (with bonuses, overtime, and holiday pay...haha!) and i only have to work half my shift tonight, since i worked extra yesterday, and so i can make it to part of lola's wedding reception before work! better go get ready! :D

unsolicited advice

i seem to have been getting a lot of this lately, and it can be pretty frustrating. especially when it's from people who don't know me that well. i don't want to be rude..."you don't know what you're talking about, so why don't you just shut up." but sometimes they really don't know.

but, i suppose i could be inadvertently soliciting some of this. i hate insincere one-word answers to questions like "how are you?" things like "fine" are such a waste, and even things like "good" and "great" are often conditioned responses, and many times not even true. i understand that sometimes people are too busy for real conversations, but i'd only ask how someone was if i really wanted to know. if it was just a general greeting then i'd use a general greeting: "hello," "hi,' or even just "hey" or a smile. so, when people ask me how i am or how i'm doing or what have you, i try to be appropriately specific, but still honest. if i'm having a rough week, i'll probably tell you. hopefully not in a pathetic, whiny way, but i might say, "oh, rough week, but i'm okay. things are still pretty good overall."

however, it seems that some people seem to think that this really means "i'm a horrifically depressed individual in need of help that only you and your superior intellect and life experience can provide. please tell me how to solve all my life problems, and do it now." once in a while such a response may be hoped for from a very close friend or family member, but otherwise it can be really frustrating.

but, the other day i was talking to a friend, and another individual who happened to be around at the time started in on the whole "you need to...blah, blah, yadda, yadda..." and my friend interrupted and said "no, i think bridgette has a really good handle on the situation. she knows it and she's dealing with it really well, much more that i could, so just let her deal with it herself." which of course elicited the "oh, well, i just meant...blah...thought it would be good to...blah..."

but it was nice to be reassured that it's my life, thus making me best suited to deal with it. that feels good.

Screenwriter's Verbal Duress to Lip Caress Shortcut

so there was this really great board question today about how in movies sometimes people will be arguing and then suddenly kissing, and how that doesn't really happen in real life. i thought it was really funny. i even wrote a comment about it on the board message board because i remembered part of a conversation i had earlier today that seemed interesting.

i was talking to this guy who just got our of the army a few months ago, and he mentioned that guys in the military have really high testesterone levels due to all of the physical activity and working out all the time, and that this makes them...um...well...yeah... they want girls bad...

so, assuming that fighting or arguing could also affect hormone levels...maybe a sudden spike could induce a bout of mid-fight kissing? do they make some kind of super-testosterone pheremone perfume that i could wear? cuz that would be cool if it worked...or maybe i should just be a little more feisty...

Amen. dead. and quick both of...

i finished my most recent cover-to-cover of the BoM today. funny thing about that is that then it's just time to start again.

sometimes family scripture study is fun... this one time we were joking about how maybe we should change things up a bit and read cover to cover, but from the back. this seemed like a good idea, just read the chapters in reverse order. would still mostly make sense that way. but my dad went to the back and starting with the last word...(see the title of this post as an example :)

the quick and the dead...always makes me think of the movie...gunfighting...even though i know "quick" just means quickened by the spirit, or alive. funny how words mean different things like that.

similarly, people often confuse quick with fast. these aren't necessarily synonomous though. generally "quick" deals with rate of acceleration, and "fast" deals with speed. por ejemplo: cars. a car with a lot of horsepower generally is very fast, and a car with a lot of torque is generally very quick. sportscars usually have plenty of both. however, something like, oh, say, a scooter? will generally be rather quick, because it's so light, but not necessarily fast. might beat a car off the line, but once you get on the road it might be eating dust...

the coldplay jog-a-thon

this has been one of those weeks when i've felt unusually restless and in need of some life changes and self-improvement. so i've been taking quite a few little jaunts around provo with my little mp3 player, and coldplay's been the flavor of the week. as much as i'd like to be able to say that i come home with a clearer head i don't think that's ever really the case. just full of lots of depressing song lyrics.

"we had a good day"

yes, we did.

sometimes i complain to my current friends about how my old friends are gone, and i think maybe i forget to point out that this is one of the things that makes me care so much about the friends who are closest to me now. one day, probably sooner than i like to think, my friends who i now see most often will become the old ones whose absence i lament.

it is important to remember the past and look to the future, and there will always be work to do and things to worry about. so, i'm glad when i remember that really life is just a long string of days, and that amidst all the work and worry most of those days aren't so bad, and some of them are really good. i have a lot of good friends and good days to remember.

sometimes He lets it rain so we can grow

monday is P-day, which means sammie's mom forwards me her weekly emails. which is fun.

i was a little bummed tonight, sort of just wondering what to do with myself, and i went to the mailbox and *eek* there was a letter from her too! yay! the emails are fun, but letters just for me are better.

i feel like they're even better than church. not that church isn't important, but the best-friend-as-missionary is great b/c she's spiritually "in the zone" AND she knows me and knows just how to comfort and encourage me, and make me feel just so great.

*sigh* it's hard to think that i won't be here when she gets back. but she says she'll come visit me in washington. i hope she does. it seems like people (myself included) always say stuff like that, but it never really happens.

but sammie's right. the rain can be hard and make things kind of hazy, but we need the sunshine and the rain. it's been hard without her, but i'm glad she went. we've both grown a lot, and that's happy.

oh happy day

(1) full 8 hrs of sleep. not uninterrupted, but still good.

(2) found the rest of a gallon of apple juice that i forgot about in the fridge. yum.

(3) went to the optometrist. got some new contacts, not too expensive, and my prescription didn't change (not more blind!)

(4) yummy peach scented soap

(5) payday

of course, i have to work tonight, so by the time i get home 10 hours from now i probably won't be as cheerful... but for now, i feel good.

out there...there's a world outside of yonkers

and all you see is where else you could be
when you're at home
there on the street are so many possibilities
to not be alone

um, tonight turned out to be a really nice night. the best i've had in a while i think. which is funny cuz there were a lot of times when i thought that was definitely not possible. maybe i should worry less. but maybe that's what makes me appreciate little things that otherwise wouldn't seem so special.

women's appreciation

ANGELA: "and when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods."
MICHAEL: "i have to know whether you're serious or not."

i don't know about getting mad, but i do know that there's been a lot of crying around my apartment today and i'm gonna bet the next week or two won't be any better...

oh, and i got a fortune cookie today that told me to reevaluate my plans for the future...that's a little scary...

it's gettin' hot in here...

so leave the frickin' a/c on! crap! what is wrong with my roommates?! so, this morning i realized that i was starting to feel a bit clammy, but not the cold kind, the hot kind. so, i went into the living room and realized that, even though i posted a sign next to the thermostat that says, basically, "upon pain of death, do not turn this off, and please leave it set between 68-76 deg" (only lengthier and with more detailed explanation/reasoning why this should be done). is that really so hard? i personally prefer it around 70-72, but i stretched that a bit to make it easier, but sheesh! apparently that's just too much to ask, because when i came out it was off again and the temperature in the apartment was back on its way up in the 80s. do they not realize that our apartment is on the 3rd floor and it gets freaking hot up here? this is only one of the many roommate complaints, but recently the one which has been the most obvious. things being messy i can live with. i'll just go in my room...but if it's 85 inside all the time, this i cannot abide. argh!

okay...rant is over...

and maybe they're just trying to help me out...you know, "...so take off all your clothes" style. unfortunately i have to get the boys inside before that does any good...

you look like a victoria's secret kind of girl...

i do? well, that's what my friend bryan told me today. of course, the bag in my hand might have been a bit of a giveaway. if he hadn't been with his fiancée i might have taken that differently...haha!

story time

i am vaguely acquainted with a guy named paul. i could easily be better acquained with him, but for a variety of reasons i have specifically avoided this. let me tell you why...

so, a couple months ago amber brought this guy, paul, over to our apartment. shortly thereafter he became amber's NCMO buddy. she of course got a bit too attached. (she's a girl, so that's basically inevitable.) he then introduced her to another "friend" of his (= NCMO buddy). amber and this other girl got along pretty well, since they were both in the same situation. and then the three of them would hang out. that's weird for them. at my apartment. that's weird for me. and amber would talk to me about it all the time. she was all freaked out, for obvious reason, yet the whole thing was obviously dumb and pointless. then he started cuddling with andie. one night i came home to find all four of them at my apartment. andie asked me about a friend who was coming back to provo soon. and then paul told me that if i needed some practice before my friend got home that he'd be happy to help. i assured him that i didn't, and hightailed it outta there. amber freaked out later that night about him and andie, and finally admitted that paul was a punka$$ and showed surprising strength in deleting him from her phone, facebook, myspace, whatev. cutting off all contact. this didn't last very long of course b/c he still had her number, and knew her friends, etc.

in the meantime, andie, who has a really bad track record as far as getting mixed up with the most douchebaggy retarded guys available, started hanging out with paul even more.

so, i came home from work tonight to find paul, amber, and the other chick, in my apartment watching a movie. what the crap?!

and of course he's also "friends" with a girl i work with. not just any girl, but the most annoying, weird, and incapable chick in the joint.

for the first time in my life, i believe that jerry springer is real and not staged.

seriously, though...this guy is a total sleeze. he's got a whole harem full of the most insecure, vulnerable girls he can find. i'm surprised he hasn't moved down to southern utah and made it a more permanent arrangement.

even though i've managed to get myself into some less-than-perfect situations, it makes me feel good that i'm not desperate enough to take this loser up on his offer. not yet anyway...

angsty

angst: a profound and deep-seated spiritual condition of insecurity and despair.

as michael scott says, "wikipedia...is the best thing ever. anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information."

wikipedia: angst

i'm feeling angsty tonight.

funny haha

today was a good day. church was more entertaining b/c i wasn't sitting by myself like usual, my visiting teachers rock, and i took a long nap which was nice other than the fact that my apartment is frickin hot b/c the a/c is broken. grr. but this was supposed to be fun, not angry, so skipping that...

my friends rex and clinton are really funny. and i think it helps that i'm a little crazy and tend to elicit funny responses. some of these funny comments include:

Rex: No, you're not good enough to do me. I only want Bridgette to do me. (this is only funny if you're kinda scandalous like me though i guess... ;)

Clinton: Hi, I'd like a small Bridgette with an energy boost. (funnier when you know that they're both at least a foot taller than me...)

Malorie: did you go to the ward hoedown?
Me: yes, and I fell and hurt my ankle.
Rex & Clinton: she was the ward hoedown!
(um, did they just call me a hoe?)

okay, maybe those are only funny when it's late at night at really hot in my apartment, but, yeah...since it was really late and hot it was funny. pass the jamba stash! yum! and follow it up with a little youtube. haha!

ow!...things that make you want to say bad words...

(1) sprained ankles. i've had lots. and they hurt. like now.

(2) when it's @$#%$& hot in your apartment and the a/c won't work right. (also, when your roommates don't even turn it on, which is why it then doesn't work...)

(3) when you watch a movie and it's really stupid, but you want to see how it turns out so you watch the whole thing, and it never gets better, and you wish you hadn't. or, when you don't care how it turns out, but you're watching it with friends and don't want to be the party pooper if they like it, but they don't either, so you really should have ditched the dumbness and done something...anything...else

(4) when your sprained ankle hurts and pushes other thoughts out of your mind.

but then there are always good things too...

(1) people who go far away, but then come back. that is happy.

(2) people you don't even know who make you laugh and whom you can talk to so easily that it takes you forever to say goodbye.

(3) when you feel smart for little tiny things, like proper usage of the word whom.

(4) cheap stuff. not crappy stuff, but things that are quality for small amounts of money. like stuff on sale. like, especially at this week's "semi-annual sale" (nudges and winks)

(5) free stuff. especially life necessities like food. especially good food like jamba. yum.

(6) singing in the shower or car.

(7) singing in the car with a friend. (i put that in it's own number in order to avoid confusion about singing in the shower with a friend...scandalous!)

(8) summer nights where it isn't humid so that it actually gets cooler at night. so refreshing and invigorating.

so, i successfully put twice as many happy things as bad things. *sigh* oh, good.

"sometimes you just need a little human contact"

i grew up in a family of "touchy" people. we hug and kiss a lot and don't have personal space. i mean that in the most normal, healthy, non-freakish way possible.

but my sisters both moved out of provo recently, and most of my close friends are married or missionaries, and though i keep in contact, it's the letters/facebook kind: non-physical contact. and i'm starting to feel some negative side-effects. like, i recently saw a friend for the first time in a long time, and was seriously upset when there was no "hello" hug. i honestly think that my upbringing has programmed me to equate physical proximity with friendship and acceptance. (or, conversely, physical distance with emotional distance and rejection.)

so, can you guys and gals give me some lovin'? geez! i'm feeling really rejected and lonely lately, and if you could just stand a little less far away, and maybe give me some friendly hugs once in a while that would make me feel a whole lot better.

romantic ideal

a friend described me today as a romantic idealist. i find this somewhat humorous because i generally feel that to my male friends i most often express highly cynical attitudes regarding romance, especially in reference to myself. however, i suppose that this description may be based upon the assumption that my cynical self-expression stems not from my own beliefs, but rather from the inconsistency caused by my inability to find a manifestation of said beliefs in my own life. greater extremity in the cynicism of my expressions would thus indicate greater extremity in the romanticism of my ideals. however, neither may be linked directly to my actual attitudes, but rather to some quality in the specific topic or person who elicited said expressions.

personally i think i have pretty average romantic expectations. i want somebody who will take care of me and let me take care of him. i heard an analogy somewhere once about carrying around a bucket of love and wanting someone to share it with. me too. he doesn't have to be super-spectacular, just somebody that i'm happy to be with who's happy to be with me too. and yeah, i'd probably rather that he be similar to me in terms of attractiveness level, but seeing as how i have a rather negative view of myself in that area, i'm more lenient on guys too.