i am the shi[z]

yes, that was censored...

i have a tendency toward self-disparaging attitudes. i tend to be talkative and outgoing, which is often seen initally as confidence. however, the better you get to know me the more likely you are to realize that this is just my way of compensating for or trying to distract people from the things about myself about which i am insecure. often my friends/family tell me that these insecurities are unfounded or that i need to calm down and stop worrying, and sometimes i feel better, but i always seem to fall back into my habits of negative thinking and speaking about myself.

the other night someone told me that i just need to stop all the negative and fearful thinking and tell myself "i am the shi[z]" and just be confident. somehow this seemed more empowering than the young women's divine nature/infinite worth method. (which is of course valid, but just doesn't have the same kick to it.) since i'm moving soon and starting fresh it seems like an ideal opportunity to try and recreate a more positive self-image and present myself as a happier more confident person, and hopefully actually BE that happier more confident person. so, i'm going to attempt to tweak my wardrobe and let myself be a little more high-maintenence (meaning, like, average instead of low...) and instead of walking around thinking... "wow, all these people are hotter than me. i am an idiot...what am i doing with my life...why do i look, and feel, like trash...everybody hates me i'm going to go eat worms...." i'm going to walk around thinking... "da[ng] i look dead sexy today! he[ck] yes! i am the shi[z]! i'm going to [do whatever thing i usually wouldn't because i'm too scared]."

and if people react in a negative or unanticipated manner, or if things don't always go how i want, i won't automatically take it as a sign that there is something wrong with me, but rather just think, "dude, why are you being dumb? i am the shi[z]!"

i don't expect all of my fears and passive-aggressive behaviors will stop immediately, but hopefully i can apply the "fake it 'til you make it" technique.