i've discussed some of these points with a variety of people, and decided to finally compile it into a single theory.
the problem with nice guys is ...
mainly that there simply aren't enough of them. and because there aren't that many genuinely nice guys, a variety of other problems result.
(1) nice guys tend to get screwed over by not-so-nice guys, and more often, by jerky guys.
e.g. in s3ep8 "the merger" of "the office" there is a question about the occupancy of the desk which was formerly jim's and is now ryan's. and ryan ends up with the desk. in ryan's own words "yeah, jim's a nice guy. that's why i got the desk."
(2) nice guys don't understand not-nice guys, and so when they get screwed over they don't realize why. being nice doesn't mean letting other people walk all over you and always giving them what they want. there's nothing noble about the nice guy letting the bad guy win!
e.g. a lot of nice guys get really upset when girls seem to go for jerks. although there may be some truth in the fact that the ''bad guys" are more exciting, most girls really want a nice guy: someone who will treat them with kindness and respect and care about them. but, there are some intervening factors: (a) there are so few nice guys that girls are skeptical that this one really is, (b) most girls have self-esteem issues and don't think that they deserve and/or can get a nice guy (since that's what everyone wants, there's a lot of competition), and (c) nice guys who are more respectful are also generally less pushy and aggressive, and in a patriarchal society where men are "supposed" to take the lead in male-female relationships, this gives the pushy, aggressive jerks the upper hand.
(3) these three intervening factors, coupled with the general lack of nice guys, leaves girls unable to properly analyze the nice guys' behavior. (now, i know that a lot of people say that girls shouldn't analyze so much, but i'm not going to say anything about whether or not they SHOULD, just that they do. besides, guys analyze too...i know, i've heard them do it.)
e.g. massive numbers of girls fall in love with their really nice guy friends, not realizing that the guy isn't interested in them "that way". they aren't used to any other guys being so kind and attentive, and they mistake this for more than it really is. the guy is just trying to be respectful to women the way his momma taught him, or maybe he is interested but just can't make up his mind; either way he ends up accidentally getting her hopes up and ripping her heart out. this may be even more emotionally distressing because he was such a great guy that i wasn't prepared for the outcome, and i can't even be angry because he didn't do anything wrong! (oops! did i accidentally slip into 1st person there? this of course hasn't happened to ME...ha!) and then, the next time she meets a nice guy she's more skeptical.
now...this last criticism may seem like i'm saying that guys shouldn't be so nice, but only if you weren't paying attention at the beginning. however, i realize that not all guys are going to be nice, so here are my suggestions to help the few nice guys out there level the playing field:
(1) keep being the great guys you are!
(2) encourage others to do the same!
(3) be open with girls about how you feel about them. this means not letting the one you want get stolen away by some punk who doesn't deserve her, AND letting your female friends know where they stand so that you don't accidentally cause them undue emotional distress, ruin your friendship, or mess things up for another guy who does feel "that way" about her.
*disclaimer* i know that probably many of the same things could be said about nice girls... e.g. my sister jacquelyn, who goes out with all sorts of guys that she doesn't like, because she's "too nice" (or too chicken) to say no.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
gratitude
So often these notes are a place to publish random rantings and frustrations, but I thought I'd take a few minutes to write about how great and happy I feel right now!
I love what President Ezra Taft Benson said: "I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns." I think that one of the struggles in life is to be able to maintain a high level of connection to spiritual things throughout all life's trials, disappointments, and discouragements. It seems that when life is most difficult, the times when I most need to be close to the love and guidance of my Heavenly Father, those are the times when the adversary is working hardest to keep me from Him and when I struggle most with drawing closer to Him. I love President Benson's reminder that when we feel far from God, it is we who have moved away from Him, because He would never leave us.
I am thus happy to report, that I have recently been winning this battle. It has been a long time since I have felt the presence and guidance of my Heavenly Father so much in my daily life, and with this awareness I am once again reminded that the thing that I feel more than any other is overwhelming gratitude to my Father for all of the tender mercies that he has bestowed upon me.
A few weeks ago I was beginning to be a bit overwhelmed with work and all my other responsibilities, and then I became rather ill, which presented a problem: if I can barely stand or talk, then how am I supposed to dance and sing on stage all weekend? My home teachers came and gave me a wonderful priesthood blessing. The next day, not only was my sickness improved immensely, but a variety of disasters were averted; all through the day I was blessed to see the hand of the Lord in my life.
As I have increased my time with my scriptures, and as I have added daily study of conference talks from our modern prophets, I have been blessed with an added measure of the Spirit in my life. I have felt so much closer to my Father in heaven as I have been able to share with Him my feelings of love and gratitude in my prayers and as I have felt His love for me and as my faith and trust in Him has grown. We all have so many important decisions before us, but I have been blessed to feel confident that as I give my will to Him, He will guide me in making the right choices and will direct my life so that I can fulfill those things which He has for me to accomplish.
I guess I just couldn't wait for Fast Sunday to share this with all of you. I hope this finds you all well, and that if you are struggling, like we all so often do, that maybe this will remind you of how much you are loved! I hope you all know how much I appreciate your friendship and support, and how much I thank my Father in Heaven for that special gift.
And, as one for whom I am especially grateful has taught me: don't have a great day, MAKE a great day! you know who you are... i hope... ;) ♥
I love what President Ezra Taft Benson said: "I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns." I think that one of the struggles in life is to be able to maintain a high level of connection to spiritual things throughout all life's trials, disappointments, and discouragements. It seems that when life is most difficult, the times when I most need to be close to the love and guidance of my Heavenly Father, those are the times when the adversary is working hardest to keep me from Him and when I struggle most with drawing closer to Him. I love President Benson's reminder that when we feel far from God, it is we who have moved away from Him, because He would never leave us.
I am thus happy to report, that I have recently been winning this battle. It has been a long time since I have felt the presence and guidance of my Heavenly Father so much in my daily life, and with this awareness I am once again reminded that the thing that I feel more than any other is overwhelming gratitude to my Father for all of the tender mercies that he has bestowed upon me.
A few weeks ago I was beginning to be a bit overwhelmed with work and all my other responsibilities, and then I became rather ill, which presented a problem: if I can barely stand or talk, then how am I supposed to dance and sing on stage all weekend? My home teachers came and gave me a wonderful priesthood blessing. The next day, not only was my sickness improved immensely, but a variety of disasters were averted; all through the day I was blessed to see the hand of the Lord in my life.
As I have increased my time with my scriptures, and as I have added daily study of conference talks from our modern prophets, I have been blessed with an added measure of the Spirit in my life. I have felt so much closer to my Father in heaven as I have been able to share with Him my feelings of love and gratitude in my prayers and as I have felt His love for me and as my faith and trust in Him has grown. We all have so many important decisions before us, but I have been blessed to feel confident that as I give my will to Him, He will guide me in making the right choices and will direct my life so that I can fulfill those things which He has for me to accomplish.
I guess I just couldn't wait for Fast Sunday to share this with all of you. I hope this finds you all well, and that if you are struggling, like we all so often do, that maybe this will remind you of how much you are loved! I hope you all know how much I appreciate your friendship and support, and how much I thank my Father in Heaven for that special gift.
And, as one for whom I am especially grateful has taught me: don't have a great day, MAKE a great day! you know who you are... i hope... ;) ♥
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
yep. it’s true. i have issues.
In my last “note” (or “tirade” if you prefer), I referred to some issues that I had with “The Oaks Talk.” I feel that I ought to clarify this. My issues aren’t with anything that Elder Oaks said; I’m not apostate or anything. I wholeheartedly agree and support what he said. In fact, on the way home from the fireside that night, some of my guy friends stopped by my apartment to tell me that what Elder Oaks had said reminded them of things that I was often lecturing the guys in our ward about. The article by Dr. Chadwick that Elder Oaks mentioned is one that I am very familiar with, as I have often read it, and he presented some of this same information in sociology classes I took from him. (That’s what I got my BS in, for gosh sakes!) I recommend you read it. However, I don’t think that we as the young single adult population to whom these talks were directed are really following their advice in the way that we should, partly because we take things a bit out of context.
So, to explain my issues:
(1) The big thing that we all got from the dating vs. hanging out topic was: go on dates, but don’t hang out. Since the original talk was given, almost two years ago, I have seen an increase in the number of dates I go on and a decrease in the amount of hanging out I do with guys. On the surface one might say that the talk worked, but I don’t agree with this assessment. Prior to this time I went on maybe one date per semester. Now it’s probably close to four. That is of course a significant improvement. However, prior to the talk I hung out with guys all the time; meaning every day whenever I wasn’t at school or work (probably at least 5 hours a day). Now I hang out with guys… maybe after ward prayer on Sundays for an hour or so. So, basically, I go out on dates 4x more often, but I hang out with guys 35x less often. Such being the case, it shouldn’t be hard to believe that I knew the guys I hung out with back then a lot better than I know any of the guys I’ve been on a date with these past couple of years. Not that there’s anything wrong with the handful of guys with whom I’ve been on dates with. Most of them are my friends. But if they won’t hang out with you outside of the one or two dates that you go on over the course of a year or so, how well can you really get to know them compared with someone you see 30 hours a week? Maybe you only know them in a group context instead of one-on-one, but at least you know them.
I see this as the result of a simple misconception on our part: Elder Oaks didn’t say don’t hang out, he said don’t replace dating with hanging out. There is nothing wrong with spending time with your friends in groups as long as you are still regularly going on individual dates! Duh! Or we were just dozing until we heard the word dating, because the previous section in Elder Oaks talk was about the danger of taking good principles to excess. Instead of ending all hanging out and slightly increasing dating, we should have just supplemented the hanging out with a greater amount of individual dates.
Now, my own personal experiences I will admit may not be representative of everyone’s, and could be the result of the fact that about a year and a half ago I moved, and maybe I just live in the evil antisocial land now. Or maybe my roommates have been whacking me with that ugly stick in my sleep again...
(2) Another line that we all like to quote is the part about the three p’s, which is great, except that he didn’t really go into that much detail, especially when it comes to the “planned ahead”. How much advance notice is necessary? Frankly I’m not one of those game-playing “The Rules” reading and following kind of girls who refuse to go out with a guy unless he asks me at least five days in advance, or whatever the guideline is. Plenty of guys have a hard enough time asking at all, and Elder Oaks advised the ladies in this same talk that we should be encouraging and kind. If somebody asks me out the day before, and I don’t have any plans, of course I’ll go; I’ve had shorter notice than that. Just because I’m not playing hard to get doesn’t mean I’m worth less, and any guy who’s dumb enough to think so would never be smart enough to ask me out, so I’m not going to waste my time worrying about it.
(3) Another commonly quoted line, which now hangs on the front door of various apartments here at Alta (btw., props to the guys in 105…) is the whole “will open for individual dates” after having locked the pantry and bolted the front door. However, we were all so busy being determined NOT to feed or hang out with guys, that we missed the fact that Elder Oaks specifically referenced “men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex” in making this suggestion.
For example, for years I invited guys over for Sunday dinner every week. My friend Jason was so used to coming over that he wouldn’t wait for the invitation; after church he would just ask, “so, what’s for dinner?” But I had no problem with that because not only did we hang out a lot, but he would cook for us on occasion too, and he took more girls on dates than anyone I think I’ve ever known. He took me out to dinner and/or dates on a variety of occasions, and my sisters and roommates too. He was very generous with us, so why shouldn’t we reciprocate? He didn’t make “hanging out” a substitute for dating, and so there’s no reason why I should lock up the pantry to him, or my other friends who don’t fit the profile of persons to whom Elder Oaks was referring. Besides, I like to cook! But, now we don’t bother inviting anyone over because everyone has heard so many times that guys and girls should go on dates instead of hanging out, and in order to encourage the guys the girls need to stop feeding them all the time. So, now if my apartment invites a guys apartment over for dinner, it means what? Apparently, that we’re apostate and blatantly disregarding the counsel of an apostle. I don’t agree, but in my fear that others do, I have stopped handing out invitations. And I don’t think I’m the only one.
Cumulatively, though, this is really the point: I’ve stopped hanging out with guys, and stopped cooking for them, and now my life is boring because I still don’t go on dates very often, and that sucks. Yep. It turns out I really am just a selfish complainer. But, the whole point of the talk wasn’t “don’t hang out, and single girls shouldn’t feed single boys”. It was about changing our patterns of interaction to include more one-on-one interaction in the form of dating. Frankly, I don’t see that happening. As a sociology major at BYU one of the many research projects I was involved in was specifically about dating. According to the results of the study, about 2/3 of girls would go on at least one date with anyone who asked. Those seem like pretty encouraging odds to me; and yet, some of those girls had never been on a date in their life. In fact, 10% said that in an average year, they weren’t asked on a single date, and 25% said that they were asked on less than one per year. In fact, an analysis of the variable for the frequency of being asked on dates, showed that the mean of the data was more than twice the median, which showed an obvious skew, because in a normal distribution these two would be equal. What does this mean in layman’s terms? A few of the girls reported being asked on dates about twice a week (or 104 times per year). At the other end of the spectrum are girls who have never been on dates, or once per year, once per semester, etc. It would take more than half of the total sample to add up to the number of dates that one girl was asked on. It seems to me that the real problem isn’t that guys aren’t asking girls on dates; it’s that hundreds of guys are constantly asking the same handful of girls on dates, and ignoring the other hundreds of girls they could be going out with.
Of course, asking isn’t going. I should know. I’ve asked out a guy every day this week, and I finally found someone who was available today. Is it against The Oaks Talk for girls to ask guys out? Maybe so, but what’s a girl supposed to do? When the front door stays bolted too long without anyone knocking a girl gets bored, you know.
In fact, I came up with a few variations on the signs that we ladies could try posting on our doors:
“I never locked my pantry, but how would you know since you never asked?”
“I may have shut the pantry door, but I keep all my food in the fridge anyway, so what does it matter?”
“Of course I locked the pantry and bolted the door. You wouldn’t want some other guy stealing all the food I bought for you, now would you?”
“Of course I bolted the door, some other punk might try to come over and steal me away from you.”
“Who cares if I bolt the door? The polite thing is to knock before you enter anyway, so I’m the only one who it affects since I have to get up off my butt to unbolt it for you instead of yelling COME IN.” (sorry if that one’s a bit too vulgar for you)
and my personal favorite: “If you’d just marry me then it would be your pantry too.”
And, I will admit that even with the vast improvement I have seen over the last couple of years, according to the aforementioned dating study I am still below average on the dating frequency spectrum…which strengthens my hypothesis about the ugly stick, but I’ll leave that for another time.
In case you want to review either of these great talks, here are the links:
Elder Oaks:
http://lds.org/library/display/0,4945,538-1-3100-1,00.html
Dr. Chadwick:
http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=600&x=20&y=7
So, to explain my issues:
(1) The big thing that we all got from the dating vs. hanging out topic was: go on dates, but don’t hang out. Since the original talk was given, almost two years ago, I have seen an increase in the number of dates I go on and a decrease in the amount of hanging out I do with guys. On the surface one might say that the talk worked, but I don’t agree with this assessment. Prior to this time I went on maybe one date per semester. Now it’s probably close to four. That is of course a significant improvement. However, prior to the talk I hung out with guys all the time; meaning every day whenever I wasn’t at school or work (probably at least 5 hours a day). Now I hang out with guys… maybe after ward prayer on Sundays for an hour or so. So, basically, I go out on dates 4x more often, but I hang out with guys 35x less often. Such being the case, it shouldn’t be hard to believe that I knew the guys I hung out with back then a lot better than I know any of the guys I’ve been on a date with these past couple of years. Not that there’s anything wrong with the handful of guys with whom I’ve been on dates with. Most of them are my friends. But if they won’t hang out with you outside of the one or two dates that you go on over the course of a year or so, how well can you really get to know them compared with someone you see 30 hours a week? Maybe you only know them in a group context instead of one-on-one, but at least you know them.
I see this as the result of a simple misconception on our part: Elder Oaks didn’t say don’t hang out, he said don’t replace dating with hanging out. There is nothing wrong with spending time with your friends in groups as long as you are still regularly going on individual dates! Duh! Or we were just dozing until we heard the word dating, because the previous section in Elder Oaks talk was about the danger of taking good principles to excess. Instead of ending all hanging out and slightly increasing dating, we should have just supplemented the hanging out with a greater amount of individual dates.
Now, my own personal experiences I will admit may not be representative of everyone’s, and could be the result of the fact that about a year and a half ago I moved, and maybe I just live in the evil antisocial land now. Or maybe my roommates have been whacking me with that ugly stick in my sleep again...
(2) Another line that we all like to quote is the part about the three p’s, which is great, except that he didn’t really go into that much detail, especially when it comes to the “planned ahead”. How much advance notice is necessary? Frankly I’m not one of those game-playing “The Rules” reading and following kind of girls who refuse to go out with a guy unless he asks me at least five days in advance, or whatever the guideline is. Plenty of guys have a hard enough time asking at all, and Elder Oaks advised the ladies in this same talk that we should be encouraging and kind. If somebody asks me out the day before, and I don’t have any plans, of course I’ll go; I’ve had shorter notice than that. Just because I’m not playing hard to get doesn’t mean I’m worth less, and any guy who’s dumb enough to think so would never be smart enough to ask me out, so I’m not going to waste my time worrying about it.
(3) Another commonly quoted line, which now hangs on the front door of various apartments here at Alta (btw., props to the guys in 105…) is the whole “will open for individual dates” after having locked the pantry and bolted the front door. However, we were all so busy being determined NOT to feed or hang out with guys, that we missed the fact that Elder Oaks specifically referenced “men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex” in making this suggestion.
For example, for years I invited guys over for Sunday dinner every week. My friend Jason was so used to coming over that he wouldn’t wait for the invitation; after church he would just ask, “so, what’s for dinner?” But I had no problem with that because not only did we hang out a lot, but he would cook for us on occasion too, and he took more girls on dates than anyone I think I’ve ever known. He took me out to dinner and/or dates on a variety of occasions, and my sisters and roommates too. He was very generous with us, so why shouldn’t we reciprocate? He didn’t make “hanging out” a substitute for dating, and so there’s no reason why I should lock up the pantry to him, or my other friends who don’t fit the profile of persons to whom Elder Oaks was referring. Besides, I like to cook! But, now we don’t bother inviting anyone over because everyone has heard so many times that guys and girls should go on dates instead of hanging out, and in order to encourage the guys the girls need to stop feeding them all the time. So, now if my apartment invites a guys apartment over for dinner, it means what? Apparently, that we’re apostate and blatantly disregarding the counsel of an apostle. I don’t agree, but in my fear that others do, I have stopped handing out invitations. And I don’t think I’m the only one.
Cumulatively, though, this is really the point: I’ve stopped hanging out with guys, and stopped cooking for them, and now my life is boring because I still don’t go on dates very often, and that sucks. Yep. It turns out I really am just a selfish complainer. But, the whole point of the talk wasn’t “don’t hang out, and single girls shouldn’t feed single boys”. It was about changing our patterns of interaction to include more one-on-one interaction in the form of dating. Frankly, I don’t see that happening. As a sociology major at BYU one of the many research projects I was involved in was specifically about dating. According to the results of the study, about 2/3 of girls would go on at least one date with anyone who asked. Those seem like pretty encouraging odds to me; and yet, some of those girls had never been on a date in their life. In fact, 10% said that in an average year, they weren’t asked on a single date, and 25% said that they were asked on less than one per year. In fact, an analysis of the variable for the frequency of being asked on dates, showed that the mean of the data was more than twice the median, which showed an obvious skew, because in a normal distribution these two would be equal. What does this mean in layman’s terms? A few of the girls reported being asked on dates about twice a week (or 104 times per year). At the other end of the spectrum are girls who have never been on dates, or once per year, once per semester, etc. It would take more than half of the total sample to add up to the number of dates that one girl was asked on. It seems to me that the real problem isn’t that guys aren’t asking girls on dates; it’s that hundreds of guys are constantly asking the same handful of girls on dates, and ignoring the other hundreds of girls they could be going out with.
Of course, asking isn’t going. I should know. I’ve asked out a guy every day this week, and I finally found someone who was available today. Is it against The Oaks Talk for girls to ask guys out? Maybe so, but what’s a girl supposed to do? When the front door stays bolted too long without anyone knocking a girl gets bored, you know.
In fact, I came up with a few variations on the signs that we ladies could try posting on our doors:
“I never locked my pantry, but how would you know since you never asked?”
“I may have shut the pantry door, but I keep all my food in the fridge anyway, so what does it matter?”
“Of course I locked the pantry and bolted the door. You wouldn’t want some other guy stealing all the food I bought for you, now would you?”
“Of course I bolted the door, some other punk might try to come over and steal me away from you.”
“Who cares if I bolt the door? The polite thing is to knock before you enter anyway, so I’m the only one who it affects since I have to get up off my butt to unbolt it for you instead of yelling COME IN.” (sorry if that one’s a bit too vulgar for you)
and my personal favorite: “If you’d just marry me then it would be your pantry too.”
And, I will admit that even with the vast improvement I have seen over the last couple of years, according to the aforementioned dating study I am still below average on the dating frequency spectrum…which strengthens my hypothesis about the ugly stick, but I’ll leave that for another time.
In case you want to review either of these great talks, here are the links:
Elder Oaks:
http://lds.org/library/dis
Dr. Chadwick:
http://speeches.byu.edu/re
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
life, the universe, and everything
facebook note 1
i feel that i can steal that title, becuase somebody once told me that i look like the chick in the hitchhiker movie; not that i agree with that at all, but...whatever.
i've been waiting to write one of these "notes" until i could come up with something really earth-shattering that would be worth somebody's time reading, and something that important deserves a name that properly reflects the magnitude of what i have to say. however, it really ought to say "life, the universe and everything: marriage" and if you don't believe that marriage is the point of life, the universe, and everything, then you definitely didn't hear elder and sister lund speak at my stake fireside last sunday, because if you were there you would know that the entire point of life is indeed the M word: marriage; or for those of you who insist on making princess bride jokes, mawwiage.
however, that isn't the only important lesson that i learned this weekend. you see, i went on a blind date last friday night. although i have to say that it wasn't as horrible as any of the other blind dates i've been on (which leads one to wonder why the heck i agreed to go...), i honestly have to say that i hope that i never see or hear from him again. unfortunately, judging from the fact that he called me yesterday i have a feeling that this hope will be shattered sooner rather than later.
now, you may be wondering what the poor fella did that makes me feel this way, and to be honest, nothing really...he didn't say rude things about me in spanish thinking that i couldn't understand him, or tell me that the rules of dinner were that we couldn't use utensils or feed ourselves, or hold lasagna over my head and pretend he was going to drop it, or make me sing for his friends in his living room. and although he was boring and hard to talk to becuase he never seemed to be paying attention to anything i said and couldn't coherently answer anything when i made attempts to get to know him, i managed to stay awake the whole time. thus, it wasn't as bad as my previous blind dates. but, frankly, i've never had to try that hard to talk to anybody. and we're talking about ME. i usually talk all over everybody and never let them get a word in edgewise unless they make me. but that's when i'm excited because i think they maybe care about what i have to say or are at least paying attention. if it's painfully obvious that neither of us will ever be interested in anything else the other ever says, then you know that you shouldn't be hanging out at all.
so, about 36 hours later i'm sitting in church, looking around my ward, which is full of some very nice guys, and quite a few rather attractive ones too, and i'm thinking of how i'm pretty sure none of them are interested in me, and that for the first time in my life i'm okay with that. i've been rejected a lot, and sometimes to the point of being emotionally incapacitated for rather lengthy periods of time. luckily, it seems that the "i want to get married so bad that i don't care who to" phase of my life is over. in fact, i have come to grips with the reality that i do have standards, and i'd rather be single than married to somebody who doesn't make the cut. and although i may be a bit shallow at times, just like everybody else, i can honestly say that these standards have a lot more to do with personality than looks (just ask my friends. i've liked a lot of funny-lookin' dudes.)
and then i go to this fireside. how can you not go to a stake fireside when it's a general authority of the church? and of course it doesn't take me long to realize that it's basically "the oaks talk" only even more straightforward, because he and his wife just lay it right out there: marriage is the most important thing in the universe, so hurry up and quit trying to run away. this of course puts a bit of a wrench in my whole "i don't care about getting married anymore" mentality. not that i suddenly want to get married to just anybody, but that i now feel bad that i haven't been walking around provo with a sign on my head that says "i'm single. someone please marry me so that my existence will have meaning."
i admittedly have some issues* with the now famous "oaks talk" on dating, but wanting to do the right thing and be anxiously engaged in a good cause, my friend and i quickly proceed to ask some boys on a date later that night. the next day when i check my voice mail i have two messages: one from the blind date boy, and one from the other guy saying he can't go b/c he has a previous appointment. can i tell you that i was never as happy to get a phone message saying that a cool guy couldn't hang out with me than i was when i realized it wasn't the blind date guy calling back again.
so, here's where i stand: i can't fairly say that "no one wants to date me" because there's this crazy person who obviously does. and i'm not calling him crazy to be mean, i'm saying it because he honestly must be crazy to want to date me when we have absolutely nothing in common; as my home teacher pointed out, we must have differed even on our assessment of the success of our one date. not to mention the fact that he lives hecka far away in someplace that i've never heard of, but that's apparently like an hour away...???...file that under vague and incomprehensible answers to attempts at conversation...
but if any of you ever try to tell me that it's a commandment to get married and i have an option, and that if i don't take the option then the whole "those who don't get an opportunity in this life will have one in the next" is no longer applicable, my sincere response is: oh well. i can confidently tell you that i'd rather be single for all eternity than be married to that guy. even being alone for eternity would be less boring and troublesome than being married to someone that i don't want to be married to, and i'm pretty sure that if heavenly father loves me at all he will agree with me.
so, what is my point? of course i want to get married, but that doesn't mean i'm going to be a lemming and go jump off a cliff. and i'm tired of trying so hard to be social and get dates or whatever in an attempt to make up for the fact that no guys are trying to date me. they're supposed to take the initiative apparently, so if somebody wants to date me, then he better get his act together and do something. and if he's not fun and we don't get along, then oh well. i'll wait. maybe that means i'll wait forever, but at least i'll be having fun with myself instead of being miserable with somebody else. and of course, if you know anyone who meets the description of interested and not boring, feel free to be encouraging. ;)
*some issues with "the oaks talk": i have decided that due to the length of this note, i'll go ahead and let this be the topic of note #2. hey, when it rains it pours.
i feel that i can steal that title, becuase somebody once told me that i look like the chick in the hitchhiker movie; not that i agree with that at all, but...whatever.
i've been waiting to write one of these "notes" until i could come up with something really earth-shattering that would be worth somebody's time reading, and something that important deserves a name that properly reflects the magnitude of what i have to say. however, it really ought to say "life, the universe and everything: marriage" and if you don't believe that marriage is the point of life, the universe, and everything, then you definitely didn't hear elder and sister lund speak at my stake fireside last sunday, because if you were there you would know that the entire point of life is indeed the M word: marriage; or for those of you who insist on making princess bride jokes, mawwiage.
however, that isn't the only important lesson that i learned this weekend. you see, i went on a blind date last friday night. although i have to say that it wasn't as horrible as any of the other blind dates i've been on (which leads one to wonder why the heck i agreed to go...), i honestly have to say that i hope that i never see or hear from him again. unfortunately, judging from the fact that he called me yesterday i have a feeling that this hope will be shattered sooner rather than later.
now, you may be wondering what the poor fella did that makes me feel this way, and to be honest, nothing really...he didn't say rude things about me in spanish thinking that i couldn't understand him, or tell me that the rules of dinner were that we couldn't use utensils or feed ourselves, or hold lasagna over my head and pretend he was going to drop it, or make me sing for his friends in his living room. and although he was boring and hard to talk to becuase he never seemed to be paying attention to anything i said and couldn't coherently answer anything when i made attempts to get to know him, i managed to stay awake the whole time. thus, it wasn't as bad as my previous blind dates. but, frankly, i've never had to try that hard to talk to anybody. and we're talking about ME. i usually talk all over everybody and never let them get a word in edgewise unless they make me. but that's when i'm excited because i think they maybe care about what i have to say or are at least paying attention. if it's painfully obvious that neither of us will ever be interested in anything else the other ever says, then you know that you shouldn't be hanging out at all.
so, about 36 hours later i'm sitting in church, looking around my ward, which is full of some very nice guys, and quite a few rather attractive ones too, and i'm thinking of how i'm pretty sure none of them are interested in me, and that for the first time in my life i'm okay with that. i've been rejected a lot, and sometimes to the point of being emotionally incapacitated for rather lengthy periods of time. luckily, it seems that the "i want to get married so bad that i don't care who to" phase of my life is over. in fact, i have come to grips with the reality that i do have standards, and i'd rather be single than married to somebody who doesn't make the cut. and although i may be a bit shallow at times, just like everybody else, i can honestly say that these standards have a lot more to do with personality than looks (just ask my friends. i've liked a lot of funny-lookin' dudes.)
and then i go to this fireside. how can you not go to a stake fireside when it's a general authority of the church? and of course it doesn't take me long to realize that it's basically "the oaks talk" only even more straightforward, because he and his wife just lay it right out there: marriage is the most important thing in the universe, so hurry up and quit trying to run away. this of course puts a bit of a wrench in my whole "i don't care about getting married anymore" mentality. not that i suddenly want to get married to just anybody, but that i now feel bad that i haven't been walking around provo with a sign on my head that says "i'm single. someone please marry me so that my existence will have meaning."
i admittedly have some issues* with the now famous "oaks talk" on dating, but wanting to do the right thing and be anxiously engaged in a good cause, my friend and i quickly proceed to ask some boys on a date later that night. the next day when i check my voice mail i have two messages: one from the blind date boy, and one from the other guy saying he can't go b/c he has a previous appointment. can i tell you that i was never as happy to get a phone message saying that a cool guy couldn't hang out with me than i was when i realized it wasn't the blind date guy calling back again.
so, here's where i stand: i can't fairly say that "no one wants to date me" because there's this crazy person who obviously does. and i'm not calling him crazy to be mean, i'm saying it because he honestly must be crazy to want to date me when we have absolutely nothing in common; as my home teacher pointed out, we must have differed even on our assessment of the success of our one date. not to mention the fact that he lives hecka far away in someplace that i've never heard of, but that's apparently like an hour away...???...file that under vague and incomprehensible answers to attempts at conversation...
but if any of you ever try to tell me that it's a commandment to get married and i have an option, and that if i don't take the option then the whole "those who don't get an opportunity in this life will have one in the next" is no longer applicable, my sincere response is: oh well. i can confidently tell you that i'd rather be single for all eternity than be married to that guy. even being alone for eternity would be less boring and troublesome than being married to someone that i don't want to be married to, and i'm pretty sure that if heavenly father loves me at all he will agree with me.
so, what is my point? of course i want to get married, but that doesn't mean i'm going to be a lemming and go jump off a cliff. and i'm tired of trying so hard to be social and get dates or whatever in an attempt to make up for the fact that no guys are trying to date me. they're supposed to take the initiative apparently, so if somebody wants to date me, then he better get his act together and do something. and if he's not fun and we don't get along, then oh well. i'll wait. maybe that means i'll wait forever, but at least i'll be having fun with myself instead of being miserable with somebody else. and of course, if you know anyone who meets the description of interested and not boring, feel free to be encouraging. ;)
*some issues with "the oaks talk": i have decided that due to the length of this note, i'll go ahead and let this be the topic of note #2. hey, when it rains it pours.
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