Saturday, August 1, 2009
August Fools Day
From now on I am declaring August 1st, August Fools Day. Cuz something happened to me this morning that cannot be described as anything other than the Universe dropping the punchline on the funniest joke ever... I have a big mess to clean up and a lot of work to do, but I'm hoping it will work out to be something good... I really hope I don't mess this up... AAHH!!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
cloudy
new look for the blog.
so, i wrote at least once a month for 23 months, then ditched out for almost 6...
in case you were wondering the last 6 months of my life have been... well... good, but confusing and busy and tiring, and highly emotional... pretty much normal? haha. so much was going on and the farther behind i got the more difficult i realized it would be to catch up... frankly, i regret not having captured my feelings during that time... in part i wish i could go back & give a recap, but somehow it isn't the same when you aren't right in the moment...
anyway...
the last 6 months of my life seem like a dream... and now i've woken up and the real world is so much different than i remember it being. i made the mistake, that we all too often do, of building my world around a possible eventuality, and now that it is no longer a possibility... well... now what? i'm treading water, just trying to keep my head up... and surprisingly enough the minutes turn to hours and then days and little by little life goes on, though i have no idea where it's taking me... i just wish it didn't feel like such a solitary journey...
so, i wrote at least once a month for 23 months, then ditched out for almost 6...
in case you were wondering the last 6 months of my life have been... well... good, but confusing and busy and tiring, and highly emotional... pretty much normal? haha. so much was going on and the farther behind i got the more difficult i realized it would be to catch up... frankly, i regret not having captured my feelings during that time... in part i wish i could go back & give a recap, but somehow it isn't the same when you aren't right in the moment...
anyway...
the last 6 months of my life seem like a dream... and now i've woken up and the real world is so much different than i remember it being. i made the mistake, that we all too often do, of building my world around a possible eventuality, and now that it is no longer a possibility... well... now what? i'm treading water, just trying to keep my head up... and surprisingly enough the minutes turn to hours and then days and little by little life goes on, though i have no idea where it's taking me... i just wish it didn't feel like such a solitary journey...
Monday, December 8, 2008
How BYU are you? *F*
How BYU are you?
77 questions.
[X] You have been kissed at lease once
[ ] Your first kiss was on campus
[X] You've had a boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ] You lived in the dorms your freshman year
[X] You went to Homecoming or Preference
[X] You hiked the Y
[ ] You've taken a social dance class
[X] You regularly attended FHE for at least a semester
[X] You've participated in Choose to Give
[X] You've been to Liberty Square for a party at least once
[X] You've driven around south of campus for at least 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot
[X] You know the cougar fight song
[X] You've crossed the crosswalk without using the flags or biked through a red light
[X] You've been to Friday Night Live
[X] You've performed or witnessed an act that made it onto Police Beat
[ ] You've been on a "date" to the bell tower or duck pond
[X] You've been to the Bean Museum for FHE
[X] You've been to Divine Comedy
[X] You've been to International Cinema
[ ] You are engaged
[ ] You are married
[ ] ...in the temple
[ ] You were previously engaged/married
[ ] You have kids or are expecting kids
[X] Your birth parents are still married
[X] ...in the temple
[X] You have at least three siblings
[X] You've taken a marriage prep or relations class
[X] You've taken at least one religion class that is not based on the scriptures
[X] You have slept on a couch in a restroom
[X] You have been to the BYU Creamery
[X] You have been in one of the BYU choirs
[X] You've been on a date to Fat Cats
[ ] You have read Twilight
[ ] ...book 2
[ ] ...book 3
[ ] ...book 4
[ ] ...seen the movie
[ ] ...more than once
[ ] You've waited in line at the Bookstore for the Harry Potter or Twilight book premiere
[X] You have seen The Singles Ward or Sons of Provo
[ ] You have walked out of a movie you found morally reprehensible
[X] You know where the "chastity line" is
[ ] You can finish the phrase "Nothing good happens after ______"
[ ] You read the Daily Universe at least 3x a week
[ ] ...and it's the only newspaper you read
[X] You've personally known someone who was reported to the Honor Code Office
[ ] You've participated in or watched a Mr. BYU contest
[ ] You've received personal revelation that he/she is "the one" (or been told this)
[ ] ...and told him/her about your revelation (or been told this)
[ ] ...and then they rejected you (or rejected them)
[X] You've been to the Nickelcade
[X] You've been to Classic Skating
[X] You've ignored your parents' phone calls for at least 3 days
[ ] ...and then they called the University Police
[ ] You've been pulled over by the University Police
[X] You watch The Office religiously
[ ] You mostly wear jeans and t-shirts or plain fitted shirts
[X] You own at least 3 things from American Eagle or Hollister
[X] Your sacrament meeting is a fashion show/scam session
[ ] You've been on a date to the Provo River
You've kissed in a...
[ ] ...campus parking lot
[ ] ...Provo Canyon or Squaw Peak
[ ] ...on temple grounds
[X] ...on a couch as soon as your roommates left the room
[X] You think UVU is not a real university
[ ] You hate U of U with a passion
FOR GIRLS (don't answer if you're a guy)
[X] You own knee-length shorts
[X] You regularly wear camisoles/undershirts for modesty reasons
[ ] You are a MFHD, RMYL, Elementary Education, or Exercise Science Major
[X] Your major crush ended up dating a MFHD, RMYL, Elementary Education, or Exercise Science major
[ ] You have had at least one roommate who is in hair or dental school
[ ] You own The Italian Job or The Princess Bride
[X] You wear makeup at least 3x a week
[X] You do something with your hair (other than brush it/ponytail) at least 3x a week
[ ] You went or plan on going on a mission
[ ] ...because you couldn't get married
FOR GUYS (don't answer if you're a girl)
[_] You shave every (or almost every) morning
[_] You know when your hair is "too long"
[_] You know what the "divide by 2 and add 7" dating rule is
[_] ...and you follow it
[_] You've dated freshmen girls as a RM
[_] ...when you already knew better
[_] You've used the phrase "On my mission..." to a girl
[_] At least 3 girls have baked cookies or meals for you
[_] You went or plan on going on a mission
[_] ...because you wanted to get married
TOTAL: 54
A: 68-77
B: 60-67
C: 53-66
D: 45-52
F: 44 or below.
**BAM!** I fail at being "BYU". And I know a couple guys who will back me up on that. ;) At least I still managed to get my degree.
thanks jessica...
77 questions.
[X] You have been kissed at lease once
[ ] Your first kiss was on campus
[X] You've had a boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ] You lived in the dorms your freshman year
[X] You went to Homecoming or Preference
[X] You hiked the Y
[ ] You've taken a social dance class
[X] You regularly attended FHE for at least a semester
[X] You've participated in Choose to Give
[X] You've been to Liberty Square for a party at least once
[X] You've driven around south of campus for at least 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot
[X] You know the cougar fight song
[X] You've crossed the crosswalk without using the flags or biked through a red light
[X] You've been to Friday Night Live
[X] You've performed or witnessed an act that made it onto Police Beat
[ ] You've been on a "date" to the bell tower or duck pond
[X] You've been to the Bean Museum for FHE
[X] You've been to Divine Comedy
[X] You've been to International Cinema
[ ] You are engaged
[ ] You are married
[ ] ...in the temple
[ ] You were previously engaged/married
[ ] You have kids or are expecting kids
[X] Your birth parents are still married
[X] ...in the temple
[X] You have at least three siblings
[X] You've taken a marriage prep or relations class
[X] You've taken at least one religion class that is not based on the scriptures
[X] You have slept on a couch in a restroom
[X] You have been to the BYU Creamery
[X] You have been in one of the BYU choirs
[X] You've been on a date to Fat Cats
[ ] You have read Twilight
[ ] ...book 2
[ ] ...book 3
[ ] ...book 4
[ ] ...seen the movie
[ ] ...more than once
[ ] You've waited in line at the Bookstore for the Harry Potter or Twilight book premiere
[X] You have seen The Singles Ward or Sons of Provo
[ ] You have walked out of a movie you found morally reprehensible
[X] You know where the "chastity line" is
[ ] You can finish the phrase "Nothing good happens after ______"
[ ] You read the Daily Universe at least 3x a week
[ ] ...and it's the only newspaper you read
[X] You've personally known someone who was reported to the Honor Code Office
[ ] You've participated in or watched a Mr. BYU contest
[ ] You've received personal revelation that he/she is "the one" (or been told this)
[ ] ...and told him/her about your revelation (or been told this)
[ ] ...and then they rejected you (or rejected them)
[X] You've been to the Nickelcade
[X] You've been to Classic Skating
[X] You've ignored your parents' phone calls for at least 3 days
[ ] ...and then they called the University Police
[ ] You've been pulled over by the University Police
[X] You watch The Office religiously
[ ] You mostly wear jeans and t-shirts or plain fitted shirts
[X] You own at least 3 things from American Eagle or Hollister
[X] Your sacrament meeting is a fashion show/scam session
[ ] You've been on a date to the Provo River
You've kissed in a...
[ ] ...campus parking lot
[ ] ...Provo Canyon or Squaw Peak
[ ] ...on temple grounds
[X] ...on a couch as soon as your roommates left the room
[X] You think UVU is not a real university
[ ] You hate U of U with a passion
FOR GIRLS (don't answer if you're a guy)
[X] You own knee-length shorts
[X] You regularly wear camisoles/undershirts for modesty reasons
[ ] You are a MFHD, RMYL, Elementary Education, or Exercise Science Major
[X] Your major crush ended up dating a MFHD, RMYL, Elementary Education, or Exercise Science major
[ ] You have had at least one roommate who is in hair or dental school
[ ] You own The Italian Job or The Princess Bride
[X] You wear makeup at least 3x a week
[X] You do something with your hair (other than brush it/ponytail) at least 3x a week
[ ] You went or plan on going on a mission
[ ] ...because you couldn't get married
FOR GUYS (don't answer if you're a girl)
[_] You shave every (or almost every) morning
[_] You know when your hair is "too long"
[_] You know what the "divide by 2 and add 7" dating rule is
[_] ...and you follow it
[_] You've dated freshmen girls as a RM
[_] ...when you already knew better
[_] You've used the phrase "On my mission..." to a girl
[_] At least 3 girls have baked cookies or meals for you
[_] You went or plan on going on a mission
[_] ...because you wanted to get married
TOTAL: 54
A: 68-77
B: 60-67
C: 53-66
D: 45-52
F: 44 or below.
**BAM!** I fail at being "BYU". And I know a couple guys who will back me up on that. ;) At least I still managed to get my degree.
thanks jessica...
Monday, November 24, 2008
thanks matt, i don't need meds and therapy
cuz he just gave my my therapy. we had a nice little chat and i feel kind of better. as much better as talking and not actually fixing can be. if you do decide to drive the 600 mi from cali to come give me a hug, i can probably find you a free place to stay. :)
also, shout out to allen, who is sad when i leave him out. he sent me a very nice text to cheer me up. after my nyquil had already put me to sleep. it woke me up and was a bit disorienting, but still nice. even though i didn't really read it until this morning.
adam, i gave you a shout-out not that long ago, but you're talking to me right now too, so there you go...
so, yeah, i remember now that i have friends. i just need to reach out to them more often. i was thinking about that earlier. i need a sign somewhere to remind me that if i'm feeling lonely, it's my own silly fault, cuz there are tons of awesome people out there who want to be my friend. and they're dang smart, cuz i'm dang awesome.
yeah!
:)
also, shout out to allen, who is sad when i leave him out. he sent me a very nice text to cheer me up. after my nyquil had already put me to sleep. it woke me up and was a bit disorienting, but still nice. even though i didn't really read it until this morning.
adam, i gave you a shout-out not that long ago, but you're talking to me right now too, so there you go...
so, yeah, i remember now that i have friends. i just need to reach out to them more often. i was thinking about that earlier. i need a sign somewhere to remind me that if i'm feeling lonely, it's my own silly fault, cuz there are tons of awesome people out there who want to be my friend. and they're dang smart, cuz i'm dang awesome.
yeah!
:)
Sunday, November 23, 2008
i'm really pissed off right now and i can't think of anything else to do about it except write in this stupid blog
ugh. this weekend was frustrating. in fact this whole last week or so has been really upsetting. i've been feeling lonely and sad and i've been handling situations badly. and then instead of telling my friends that i'm having a hard time and asking for their help, i get upset that they can't see how hurt i am and how much i'm struggling and treat them badly and push them away by lashing out or isolating myself and then i'm just more sad and alone and end up feeling even worse than i did to start with. and now i'm so upset that if i swallowed my pride long enough to talk to somebody about what's going on i'd probably just end up freaking out on them and making it worse. if i could even think of someone to talk to...isn't that why i'm just writing this here and hoping someone will find it and decide to be that person? maybe i should have more faith in my friends... maybe i should just drink the rest of my nyquil and go to bed early... my throat hurts really bad right now...
Sunday, November 16, 2008
whirlwind weekend
friday: (1) work. (2) met matt and got some food and wandered around the u district. found some cool stuff, including a random used bookstore with kitties! but matt was allergic so we sort of just walked in and back out...haha. sorry matt. :( (3) james bond. better than expected.
saturday: (1) service project at di. found a shirt i know i'll like it cuz i already have the same one in a different color, and it only cost me $1.74 including tax. i love good deals. (2) hanging out with ryan. i will refer you to his blog for the details, cuz i was frustrated with my bad tour-guide skills and so his telling of the day is much more reasonable. if you heard me tell it you'd think i'm a psycho and he's a jerk, but really we're just two friends who had a lot of fun hanging out since we live far away now and had plenty to catch up on.
sunday: (1) institute choir program in sacrament meeting. (2) institute choir program in sacrament meeting again. (3) institute choir program in sacrament meeting AGAIN. (4) ward choir. (5) smorgasbord. (6) fireside. (7) much needed chat w/ daniel.
i need a break from the weekend before i go back to work in the morning...haha!
saturday: (1) service project at di. found a shirt i know i'll like it cuz i already have the same one in a different color, and it only cost me $1.74 including tax. i love good deals. (2) hanging out with ryan. i will refer you to his blog for the details, cuz i was frustrated with my bad tour-guide skills and so his telling of the day is much more reasonable. if you heard me tell it you'd think i'm a psycho and he's a jerk, but really we're just two friends who had a lot of fun hanging out since we live far away now and had plenty to catch up on.
sunday: (1) institute choir program in sacrament meeting. (2) institute choir program in sacrament meeting again. (3) institute choir program in sacrament meeting AGAIN. (4) ward choir. (5) smorgasbord. (6) fireside. (7) much needed chat w/ daniel.
i need a break from the weekend before i go back to work in the morning...haha!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
blank page was all the rage...
never meant to say anything
in bed i was half dead
tired of dreaming of rest...
you were easy you are forgotten
you are the ways of my mistakes
i catch the rainfall
through the leaking roof
that you had left behind
you remind me of that leak in my soul...
i wish i was blank
i wish i could think...
i'd write a letter to you
and there'd be nothing to it
i wouldn't hem an haw
on just how to start it
i wish i was blank...
i wish i'd said things different
i wish i'd said nothing
things would be so perfect
i wish myself to keep
i pray my soul to sleep
i wish myself away
i wish i was blank...
say goodnight on a night like this
if it's the last thing you ever do
it goes dark, it goes darker still
please stay
but i watch you like i'm made of stone as you walk away...
can't stand here like this anymore...
i wanted to be perfect like before...
i want to change it all...
i know we're just like old friends
we just can't pretend that lovers make amends
we are the reasons so unreal
we can't help but feel that something has been lost...
so far i still know who i am
but i wonder who you were
sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to this lonely heart...
but sometimes a someone is so hard to find...
disarm you with a smile
and leave you like [you] left me here
to wither in denial
the bitterness of one who's left alone
the years burn...
a year ago i became an ex. saying it that way makes it sound like a beginning instead of an end. i hope it was. i had a whole blog pre-written for the occasion, but decided to leave it unposted. time for a new page. and new pages are always blank.
so i pull my collar up and face the world alone
this page intentionally left blank
;)
in bed i was half dead
tired of dreaming of rest...
you were easy you are forgotten
you are the ways of my mistakes
i catch the rainfall
through the leaking roof
that you had left behind
you remind me of that leak in my soul...
i wish i was blank
i wish i could think...
i'd write a letter to you
and there'd be nothing to it
i wouldn't hem an haw
on just how to start it
i wish i was blank...
i wish i'd said things different
i wish i'd said nothing
things would be so perfect
i wish myself to keep
i pray my soul to sleep
i wish myself away
i wish i was blank...
say goodnight on a night like this
if it's the last thing you ever do
it goes dark, it goes darker still
please stay
but i watch you like i'm made of stone as you walk away...
can't stand here like this anymore...
i wanted to be perfect like before...
i want to change it all...
i know we're just like old friends
we just can't pretend that lovers make amends
we are the reasons so unreal
we can't help but feel that something has been lost...
so far i still know who i am
but i wonder who you were
sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to this lonely heart...
but sometimes a someone is so hard to find...
disarm you with a smile
and leave you like [you] left me here
to wither in denial
the bitterness of one who's left alone
the years burn...
a year ago i became an ex. saying it that way makes it sound like a beginning instead of an end. i hope it was. i had a whole blog pre-written for the occasion, but decided to leave it unposted. time for a new page. and new pages are always blank.
so i pull my collar up and face the world alone
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