life, the universe, and everything

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i feel that i can steal that title, becuase somebody once told me that i look like the chick in the hitchhiker movie; not that i agree with that at all, but...whatever.

i've been waiting to write one of these "notes" until i could come up with something really earth-shattering that would be worth somebody's time reading, and something that important deserves a name that properly reflects the magnitude of what i have to say. however, it really ought to say "life, the universe and everything: marriage" and if you don't believe that marriage is the point of life, the universe, and everything, then you definitely didn't hear elder and sister lund speak at my stake fireside last sunday, because if you were there you would know that the entire point of life is indeed the M word: marriage; or for those of you who insist on making princess bride jokes, mawwiage.

however, that isn't the only important lesson that i learned this weekend. you see, i went on a blind date last friday night. although i have to say that it wasn't as horrible as any of the other blind dates i've been on (which leads one to wonder why the heck i agreed to go...), i honestly have to say that i hope that i never see or hear from him again. unfortunately, judging from the fact that he called me yesterday i have a feeling that this hope will be shattered sooner rather than later.

now, you may be wondering what the poor fella did that makes me feel this way, and to be honest, nothing really...he didn't say rude things about me in spanish thinking that i couldn't understand him, or tell me that the rules of dinner were that we couldn't use utensils or feed ourselves, or hold lasagna over my head and pretend he was going to drop it, or make me sing for his friends in his living room. and although he was boring and hard to talk to becuase he never seemed to be paying attention to anything i said and couldn't coherently answer anything when i made attempts to get to know him, i managed to stay awake the whole time. thus, it wasn't as bad as my previous blind dates. but, frankly, i've never had to try that hard to talk to anybody. and we're talking about ME. i usually talk all over everybody and never let them get a word in edgewise unless they make me. but that's when i'm excited because i think they maybe care about what i have to say or are at least paying attention. if it's painfully obvious that neither of us will ever be interested in anything else the other ever says, then you know that you shouldn't be hanging out at all.

so, about 36 hours later i'm sitting in church, looking around my ward, which is full of some very nice guys, and quite a few rather attractive ones too, and i'm thinking of how i'm pretty sure none of them are interested in me, and that for the first time in my life i'm okay with that. i've been rejected a lot, and sometimes to the point of being emotionally incapacitated for rather lengthy periods of time. luckily, it seems that the "i want to get married so bad that i don't care who to" phase of my life is over. in fact, i have come to grips with the reality that i do have standards, and i'd rather be single than married to somebody who doesn't make the cut. and although i may be a bit shallow at times, just like everybody else, i can honestly say that these standards have a lot more to do with personality than looks (just ask my friends. i've liked a lot of funny-lookin' dudes.)

and then i go to this fireside. how can you not go to a stake fireside when it's a general authority of the church? and of course it doesn't take me long to realize that it's basically "the oaks talk" only even more straightforward, because he and his wife just lay it right out there: marriage is the most important thing in the universe, so hurry up and quit trying to run away. this of course puts a bit of a wrench in my whole "i don't care about getting married anymore" mentality. not that i suddenly want to get married to just anybody, but that i now feel bad that i haven't been walking around provo with a sign on my head that says "i'm single. someone please marry me so that my existence will have meaning."

i admittedly have some issues* with the now famous "oaks talk" on dating, but wanting to do the right thing and be anxiously engaged in a good cause, my friend and i quickly proceed to ask some boys on a date later that night. the next day when i check my voice mail i have two messages: one from the blind date boy, and one from the other guy saying he can't go b/c he has a previous appointment. can i tell you that i was never as happy to get a phone message saying that a cool guy couldn't hang out with me than i was when i realized it wasn't the blind date guy calling back again.

so, here's where i stand: i can't fairly say that "no one wants to date me" because there's this crazy person who obviously does. and i'm not calling him crazy to be mean, i'm saying it because he honestly must be crazy to want to date me when we have absolutely nothing in common; as my home teacher pointed out, we must have differed even on our assessment of the success of our one date. not to mention the fact that he lives hecka far away in someplace that i've never heard of, but that's apparently like an hour away...???...file that under vague and incomprehensible answers to attempts at conversation...

but if any of you ever try to tell me that it's a commandment to get married and i have an option, and that if i don't take the option then the whole "those who don't get an opportunity in this life will have one in the next" is no longer applicable, my sincere response is: oh well. i can confidently tell you that i'd rather be single for all eternity than be married to that guy. even being alone for eternity would be less boring and troublesome than being married to someone that i don't want to be married to, and i'm pretty sure that if heavenly father loves me at all he will agree with me.

so, what is my point? of course i want to get married, but that doesn't mean i'm going to be a lemming and go jump off a cliff. and i'm tired of trying so hard to be social and get dates or whatever in an attempt to make up for the fact that no guys are trying to date me. they're supposed to take the initiative apparently, so if somebody wants to date me, then he better get his act together and do something. and if he's not fun and we don't get along, then oh well. i'll wait. maybe that means i'll wait forever, but at least i'll be having fun with myself instead of being miserable with somebody else. and of course, if you know anyone who meets the description of interested and not boring, feel free to be encouraging. ;)


*some issues with "the oaks talk": i have decided that due to the length of this note, i'll go ahead and let this be the topic of note #2. hey, when it rains it pours.