went to gonzaga choir auditions today. much simpler than byu. my aural and sight singing performance kinda sucked, but that was partly due to the fact that they were having a piano sale in the choir room and there were people testing them out, which was rather distracting. but the auditioner asked me which one i wanted to be in and which part i'd prefer singing. basically i rock and can do whatever i want. well, not really, but it's nice to pretend sometimes.
*sigh* yesterday and today i have done much less in the way of studying that i ought. feeling not very motivated and highly distracted. distracted by what? well, nothing really, since i basically have no life. distracted by my own mind i suppose. i'm a daydreamer. real life mostly sucks. or i just have bad luck. smack me if you want. somebody told me something last night and i asked why and they said bad luck, and when i really think about it, it makes me want to smack them. but i don't because i know it would be pointless. they wouldn't understand why, and even if they did, they'd just be annoyed. not by the smack. by my reasoning which caused the desire to smack them, which they would say is silly.
i am silly of course. which must be obvious i suppose.
"how would i describe myself? three words: hardworking, alpha-male, jack-hammer... merciless, insatiable." - dwight schrute
hmm...okay so none of that other stuff applies, except the insatiable, but i am i think. that necessarily creates a variety of problems, which i generally deal with very badly.
well, i'm going to a wedding tonight. my cousin's cousin. so, hanging out with a bunch of people i don't know. maybe i'll meet some boys. blah. pointless. they're all just thinking "can i do better?" of course they can. even the ugly ones are thinking that there's always a possibility. my best chance at marriage is to find someone with an overwhelming sense of duty and then tricking him into getting me knocked up so he'll decide he has to. unfortunately that's against my religion, and i happen to be rather attached to my religion. you'd think i would've gotten used to the pointlessness of my social life after 7 years in provo. somehow i got this idea that things would change if i left. unfortunately, no matter where i go i'm still just me. oh well.
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