How BYU are you? *F*

How BYU are you?

77 questions.

[X] You have been kissed at lease once
[ ] Your first kiss was on campus
[X] You've had a boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ] You lived in the dorms your freshman year
[X] You went to Homecoming or Preference
[X] You hiked the Y
[ ] You've taken a social dance class
[X] You regularly attended FHE for at least a semester
[X] You've participated in Choose to Give
[X] You've been to Liberty Square for a party at least once
[X] You've driven around south of campus for at least 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot
[X] You know the cougar fight song
[X] You've crossed the crosswalk without using the flags or biked through a red light
[X] You've been to Friday Night Live
[X] You've performed or witnessed an act that made it onto Police Beat
[ ] You've been on a "date" to the bell tower or duck pond
[X] You've been to the Bean Museum for FHE
[X] You've been to Divine Comedy
[X] You've been to International Cinema
[ ] You are engaged
[ ] You are married
[ ] ...in the temple
[ ] You were previously engaged/married
[ ] You have kids or are expecting kids
[X] Your birth parents are still married
[X] ...in the temple
[X] You have at least three siblings
[X] You've taken a marriage prep or relations class
[X] You've taken at least one religion class that is not based on the scriptures
[X] You have slept on a couch in a restroom
[X] You have been to the BYU Creamery
[X] You have been in one of the BYU choirs
[X] You've been on a date to Fat Cats
[ ] You have read Twilight
[ ] ...book 2
[ ] ...book 3
[ ] ...book 4
[ ] ...seen the movie
[ ] ...more than once
[ ] You've waited in line at the Bookstore for the Harry Potter or Twilight book premiere
[X] You have seen The Singles Ward or Sons of Provo
[ ] You have walked out of a movie you found morally reprehensible
[X] You know where the "chastity line" is
[ ] You can finish the phrase "Nothing good happens after ______"
[ ] You read the Daily Universe at least 3x a week
[ ] ...and it's the only newspaper you read
[X] You've personally known someone who was reported to the Honor Code Office
[ ] You've participated in or watched a Mr. BYU contest
[ ] You've received personal revelation that he/she is "the one" (or been told this)
[ ] ...and told him/her about your revelation (or been told this)
[ ] ...and then they rejected you (or rejected them)
[X] You've been to the Nickelcade
[X] You've been to Classic Skating
[X] You've ignored your parents' phone calls for at least 3 days
[ ] ...and then they called the University Police
[ ] You've been pulled over by the University Police
[X] You watch The Office religiously
[ ] You mostly wear jeans and t-shirts or plain fitted shirts
[X] You own at least 3 things from American Eagle or Hollister
[X] Your sacrament meeting is a fashion show/scam session
[ ] You've been on a date to the Provo River
You've kissed in a...
[ ] ...campus parking lot
[ ] ...Provo Canyon or Squaw Peak
[ ] ...on temple grounds
[X] ...on a couch as soon as your roommates left the room
[X] You think UVU is not a real university
[ ] You hate U of U with a passion


FOR GIRLS (don't answer if you're a guy)
[X] You own knee-length shorts
[X] You regularly wear camisoles/undershirts for modesty reasons
[ ] You are a MFHD, RMYL, Elementary Education, or Exercise Science Major
[X] Your major crush ended up dating a MFHD, RMYL, Elementary Education, or Exercise Science major
[ ] You have had at least one roommate who is in hair or dental school
[ ] You own The Italian Job or The Princess Bride
[X] You wear makeup at least 3x a week
[X] You do something with your hair (other than brush it/ponytail) at least 3x a week
[ ] You went or plan on going on a mission
[ ] ...because you couldn't get married


FOR GUYS (don't answer if you're a girl)
[_] You shave every (or almost every) morning
[_] You know when your hair is "too long"
[_] You know what the "divide by 2 and add 7" dating rule is
[_] ...and you follow it
[_] You've dated freshmen girls as a RM
[_] ...when you already knew better
[_] You've used the phrase "On my mission..." to a girl
[_] At least 3 girls have baked cookies or meals for you
[_] You went or plan on going on a mission
[_] ...because you wanted to get married


TOTAL: 54

A: 68-77
B: 60-67
C: 53-66
D: 45-52
F: 44 or below.

**BAM!** I fail at being "BYU". And I know a couple guys who will back me up on that. ;) At least I still managed to get my degree.

thanks jessica...

thanks matt, i don't need meds and therapy

cuz he just gave my my therapy. we had a nice little chat and i feel kind of better. as much better as talking and not actually fixing can be. if you do decide to drive the 600 mi from cali to come give me a hug, i can probably find you a free place to stay. :)

also, shout out to allen, who is sad when i leave him out. he sent me a very nice text to cheer me up. after my nyquil had already put me to sleep. it woke me up and was a bit disorienting, but still nice. even though i didn't really read it until this morning.

adam, i gave you a shout-out not that long ago, but you're talking to me right now too, so there you go...

so, yeah, i remember now that i have friends. i just need to reach out to them more often. i was thinking about that earlier. i need a sign somewhere to remind me that if i'm feeling lonely, it's my own silly fault, cuz there are tons of awesome people out there who want to be my friend. and they're dang smart, cuz i'm dang awesome.

yeah!

:)

i'm really pissed off right now and i can't think of anything else to do about it except write in this stupid blog

ugh. this weekend was frustrating. in fact this whole last week or so has been really upsetting. i've been feeling lonely and sad and i've been handling situations badly. and then instead of telling my friends that i'm having a hard time and asking for their help, i get upset that they can't see how hurt i am and how much i'm struggling and treat them badly and push them away by lashing out or isolating myself and then i'm just more sad and alone and end up feeling even worse than i did to start with. and now i'm so upset that if i swallowed my pride long enough to talk to somebody about what's going on i'd probably just end up freaking out on them and making it worse. if i could even think of someone to talk to...isn't that why i'm just writing this here and hoping someone will find it and decide to be that person? maybe i should have more faith in my friends... maybe i should just drink the rest of my nyquil and go to bed early... my throat hurts really bad right now...

whirlwind weekend

friday: (1) work. (2) met matt and got some food and wandered around the u district. found some cool stuff, including a random used bookstore with kitties! but matt was allergic so we sort of just walked in and back out...haha. sorry matt. :( (3) james bond. better than expected.

saturday: (1) service project at di. found a shirt i know i'll like it cuz i already have the same one in a different color, and it only cost me $1.74 including tax. i love good deals. (2) hanging out with ryan. i will refer you to his blog for the details, cuz i was frustrated with my bad tour-guide skills and so his telling of the day is much more reasonable. if you heard me tell it you'd think i'm a psycho and he's a jerk, but really we're just two friends who had a lot of fun hanging out since we live far away now and had plenty to catch up on.

sunday: (1) institute choir program in sacrament meeting. (2) institute choir program in sacrament meeting again. (3) institute choir program in sacrament meeting AGAIN. (4) ward choir. (5) smorgasbord. (6) fireside. (7) much needed chat w/ daniel.

i need a break from the weekend before i go back to work in the morning...haha!

blank page was all the rage...

never meant to say anything
in bed i was half dead
tired of dreaming of rest...

you were easy you are forgotten
you are the ways of my mistakes
i catch the rainfall
through the leaking roof
that you had left behind
you remind me of that leak in my soul...

i wish i was blank
i wish i could think...

i'd write a letter to you
and there'd be nothing to it
i wouldn't hem an haw
on just how to start it
i wish i was blank...

i wish i'd said things different
i wish i'd said nothing
things would be so perfect
i wish myself to keep
i pray my soul to sleep
i wish myself away
i wish i was blank...

say goodnight on a night like this
if it's the last thing you ever do
it goes dark, it goes darker still
please stay
but i watch you like i'm made of stone as you walk away...
can't stand here like this anymore...
i wanted to be perfect like before...
i want to change it all...

i know we're just like old friends
we just can't pretend that lovers make amends
we are the reasons so unreal
we can't help but feel that something has been lost...

so far i still know who i am
but i wonder who you were

sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to this lonely heart...

but sometimes a someone is so hard to find...

disarm you with a smile
and leave you like [you] left me here
to wither in denial
the bitterness of one who's left alone
the years burn...

a year ago i became an ex. saying it that way makes it sound like a beginning instead of an end. i hope it was. i had a whole blog pre-written for the occasion, but decided to leave it unposted. time for a new page. and new pages are always blank.

so i pull my collar up and face the world alone










































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;)

one more reason why it's awesome to be mormon...

because our church has a public affairs page on youtube... seriously. i just found it.

http://www.youtube.com/user/LDSPublicAffairs

check it out and then you'll know lots of other reasons why it's awesome to be mormon. yay!

Proposition 8

i was talking to my friend matt the other night about election results and he mentioned some things about prop. 8 in caifornia. he mentioned that they had temporarily closed the LA temple to keep protesters off the grounds, which really surprised me. honestly, i hadn't looked into it much. i've felt a little out of it lately, but i've seen so many of my friends posting things for/against it and especially the lds church's support of it on facebook that i just had to say something.

firstly, i found this which is the file copy (stamped by the AG's office and everything). while i was talking to matt i really wanted to know what the acutal language was. it is surprisingly short and simple. it is a state constitutional amendment and not a statute, which i know from my limited legal experience are much longer. i was expecting something more complex in design, but was very refreshed to see how short and to the point it was.

secondly, i'd just like to say this: all individuals are equally free to be married. of course, that means to marry a person of the opposite gender. i suppose to some that sounds as though i'm being callous and unfeeling. i am not. my favorite cousin is gay. i had many friends in high school and college who were gay and i am one of the few girls i know who has kissed a gay guy (in a play, but still...). i am not a racist or a sexist or in other way prejudiced or homophobic or what-have-you. however, i think that it is important that people be reasonable and deal with the fact that you don't always get what you want, even when you personally may feel like it's not fair. often, i hear people comparing a gay persons "right" to marry someone of the same gender with other rights such as voting rights for women or minorities and the ending of segregation. once again, the right to marry is inherently different than these rights in that no group of individuals (except minors) is unequal in marriage rights. everyone has and equal right to get married. if they are unhappy with the fact that legal contracts in marriage require that the parties be of opposite genders then i understand that they are unhappy. but they are not being discriminated against. they have the opportunity to marry a person of the opposite gender, but they are unhappy that they cannot instead marry a person of the same gender. i am unhappy that everyone tells me that i am a legal midget and should get a handicapped parking sticker so they can use me to get better parking at busy events like concerts. that is completely unrelated but i felt like i was getting boring and saying the same thing over and over.

i mentioned before that i had a gay friend who i kissed in a play. i noticed today a very angry note he wrote on facebook about the lds church's support of prop. 8. a mutual friend then posted some well-researched comments with appropriate citations and i was very impressed. unfortunately i doubt others thought these very persuasive, but i very much enjoyed the matter-of-fact way that adam expressed himself. check it out here if the privacy settings will let you (not sure). adam, you rock! i am thankful for reasonable and intelligent people like you.

lastly, my friend ruben posted this link to an article on the subject by one of my all-time favorite authors. i HIGHLY recommend you check it out. i know that a lot of my friends support gay marriage, and i in no way wish to hurt or offend you, but i think that mr. card makes some very poignant and persuasive points and i think it's a great read that will possibly result in a great "think" as well... and also this one which is based on social and anthropological research and actually written by a liberal and published by the LA Times no less.

once again, i love gay people as much as i love everyone else on the planet, and God does too, but frankly that isn't the relevant issue here.

wish list

#1. to be married to a massage therapist

#2. to have a real bed to lay in...preferably with mr. massage therapist...

#3. real pillows to go on my real bed

#4. lots of hot chicken soup

#5. an electric blanket

#6. that i hadn't left my gloves in my desk at work

#7. more blankets

#8. and more chicken soup...in fact, at this point i'd be happy with some chicken-flavored ramen noodles

#9. another rice sock

#10. do you think it would help if i wished for the massage therapist husband again?

if not, i'd take a regular husband who would be willing to pretend he was a massage therapist...

no?

sigh.

okay.

y tengo sed

so many things have happened lately that i've said i was going to blog about, but then i was always too busy running around doing all those things to sit down and write about them. but, i'm finally going to sit and give some highlights, which will of course sound completely different than they would have if i'd done it right away (but i already ranted about that phenomenon enough a few posts ago).

but first, a shout-out to my gal pal partners in exciting but non-criminal activity: you girls are seriously one of the main things that give me the ability to get up in the morning and live my life every day. (that and all the child support cases that need me to work them...haha!) seriously, though, a lot of things have been happening that would have been really hard to deal with if it weren't for you girls, so thank you.

that being said, my girlfriends and i have recently been reminded over and over of the fact that we are not the type of girls that mormon boys are attracted to. we ourselves are mormon girls, but that isn't really the issue. so, we decided that we needed to get out and do some things that aren't church activities. in fact, apparently my mom told my grandma just yesterday that my parents are worried about me because i only hang out with kids from church and those boys don't like me and, well they are just worried. (once again, i already discussed this a few blogs back, ctrl+f "librarian") my uncle's family is catholic and apparently they are willing to hook me up with plenty of non-mormon boys. i told them that i went to a catholic school for a year and that didn't do me any good either, but, whatever...

anyway, we did go out and do some non-church-sponsored activities and we had a lot of fun and greatly increased our self-esteem... (however, the mormon boys have since continued to reject us so we definitely need to do it again). the only down-side was when the keys were locked in the trunk of the car with the purses and phones and we were stuck downtown on first ave just south of pioneer square at 2am when all the bars were closing and the drunks were out in the street. but, we made it out alive to tell the tale; hopefully there won't be another similar episode until it's a little warmer outside again.

also i went to a couple of parties the last few weeks, made some cool vampire teeth for halloween, and have been making some new friends, which is good. and, miraculous as it may seem, i managed to trick one of these new friends into a date. i was actually rather surprised that it worked, but also pretty glad about it because i only had about a week left until the 1-year anniversary of being dumped and it always feels horrible going a whole year without being asked on a date. so, thanks friend for helping a girl out.

sigh, so now i need to work on fixing my room which has become rather cluttered while i've been busy running around trying to be popular. it isn't that bad, just a pile of clothes and shoes and the pieces of some packages i need to send to my sisters, so easy stuff once i get around to doing it. plus, i got another bigger set of those plastic rolling-drawer-tower things when i went shopping at crazy aunt mary's old house yesterday, so i'm excited to reorganize some things.

ready, set, go!

like whoa...

today at work i saw something totally awesome. crazy, i know. we were in a meeting. that makes it even crazier, right? in the conference room. there is this white board where we were writing ideas for training and refreshers that would be helpful, and when we had written them...this is the amazing part...they turned on this thing, and the white board like scrolled around and this little printer at the bottom printed out a page of what was written on the board. and, incidentally, it revealed the other side where whatever from the last meeting was written. but i seriously had no idea that things like that existed. it was so cool. not like crazy hi-tech, just like, oh my gosh, who made that up and why have i never seen that before? it was pretty awesome. at least the other new girl and i thought so. everyone else just seemed to be amused that we were so excited.

mike holm is a freakin stud

cuz we had book club at his house tonight and it was just him and seven ladies, and i think that's pretty much awesome. i wish i could get seven guys over to my house. maybe i should try talking to some. and then maybe i could move on to invitations. hmm. i'll think about that.

girls! all i really want is girls! and in the morning it's girls! cuz in the evening it's girls! i like the way that they walk! and it's chill to hear them talk and i can always make 'em smile from white castle to the nile.

yes, that did randomly come on right then, and i couldn't help it.

did i mention white castle's are good? from the restaurant, not the freezer.

jack and mike d to my dismay...

lunch with captain moroni

so, when i first moved to seattle i was really good at reading my scriptures every day. probably because i had no friends and spent most of my time at home by myself. but then i started to get a little busier and i decided that i wasn't being as diligent as i wanted, so i determined that i would take my scriptures to work and read during my lunch break. and i love it! traditionally i've been a "before i go to bed" person, but reading during the day is really cool. it's such a nice break from the hectic stuff at work, and it's so awesome to get to feel the spirit every day in the midst of life and...i dunno, just everything. plus, i feel like my mind is already more alert at work and i think i pay attention to things that i might not otherwise notice when i read when i'm tired or something.

anyway, i've been reading in alma this week and it's pretty awesome. i know, i'm behind the sunday school reading... but at the rate i'm going it will still be way before the end of the year when i finish the BoM for the...um...i lost count how many times...10th? 12th? oh well... my triple is pretty beat up, but i just can't part with this set of scriptures cuz i've had them forever and all my stuff is marked! and i'm not quite the scriptorian that i was in seminary in high school so i'm afraid i'd be lost without my own familiar set... but in a good way... :D

impulsiveness

i just called someone who i vowed never to call. he didn't answer. i didn't expect him to. i did leave a message. that was really what i intended. he'll call me back. he generally calls me with pretty predictable regularity. which is why i never call him. that and i've been trying to seem less desperate in general and not call boys. not like it matters given his current situation. but i just felt like i wanted to. or like maybe i should. so i did. i wouldn't feel bad about it except that it seems like some type of sudden shift in...something. i've never called him out of the blue like that. i always return his calls and if we're texting and he says "hey just call me" then i do. but i've never just done it out of the blue like that and for some reason i'm not sure if it will turn out to have been a good move or not. he did tell me last time we talked that i should call more often because we haven't been talking as much lately, and i waited twice as long as the time period he suggested. i'm thinking that makes it okay. still. i feel like i've given up the one little bit of control over the situation that i'd been holding on to. oh well. it really doesn't matter anyway. if it did, i wouldn't be able to explain it all in such small sentence fragments.

i don't know why you say goodbye i say hello

on a lighter note, i cleaned today. i was cleaning at my friends' house the other day and it felt nice so when i actually found some free time at home i decided to clean up. luckily my place is even cleaner when it's dirty than my friends' house is when it's clean so it wasn't that bad, and actually rather satisfying.

you say why and i say i don't know

20/40 hindsight... and issues of honesty and perception

random intro story:
i was at the snohomish county prosecutor's office most of the afternoon last thursday for work, and while i was there some of my co-workers had a bit of a disagreement about whether 20/40 vision is better or worse than 20/20; the consensus was that it is indeed worse and actually something like 20/15 would be better.

just some thoughts:
i have often heard the phrase "20/20 hindsight" used to illustrate the fact that the way you judge things in hindsight is based off a more correct and clear view of a situation than you could ever have when you're actually in the thick of things; moreover, often we beat ourselves up for things we wish we had done differently, when to be fair we did the best we could with the information available and we ought not fault ourselves too much.

a few months ago i was talking to a friend about my then mostly-finalized decision to quit law school. he said that it was funny that before i said all kinds of positive things about it, but as soon as i decided to quit i had all these negative things to say. i think this illustrates a similar phenomenon, like when you rant and rave about how wonderful your significant other is, until they break up with you and then you can't stop talking about what a horrible person they are and how terribly they treated you.

either of these seems to be an issue of the subjectivity with which we view ourselves and the events of our lives. it is therefore interesting to have other people to notice the differences and give us a more objective record of our thoughts, or at least the things that we express. frankly, sometimes i think the issue isn't that our subjective perceptions change that much, but rather that we tailor them to others to try and control their perceptions of us...

getting more to the point:
although there has been some change in my viewpoints which led me to law school and then back away from it, i don't think that my actual thoughts and feelings changed as much as there has been a change in which parts i choose to share with others. when i was deciding to go i played up the positives, and when i decided to leave i played up the negatives, and although i may have been trying just a little to convince myself that i was doing the right thing, i think a lot of it was just out of sheer defensiveness towards others. i'm inclined to feel a little dishonest about that. not that i went around lying to people, but because i generally am the type of person who kind of wears their heart on their sleeve and shares ideas and opinions rather readily. but, when it comes to major life decisions, i'm more inclined to share a lot of the real details of my feelings for the people who are actually close to me, and sort of put out the canned political speech for everyone else.

the real deal(for those of you who want a bit of the real story behind the madness):
i graduated from byu and spent the next year playing manager at jamba because i couldn't seem to get any of the "real" jobs to work out. i was feeling a little stagnant, and i was in provo and had been there for quite a few years and was feeling a little bit old and useless, and decided that if i was going to keep getting older and feeling more single-r that i may as well resign myself to the single life and go do something that would be of use to the world or society or whatnot instead of just waiting around in provo and ending up a 50-year-old librarian at the HBLL. (i never planned that as a career, but my mom had an old roommate who ended up that way and my dad was afraid that if i didn't get out i'd be next... thanks for the vote of confidence pops...)

so, the lsat seemed fun cuz i'm a nerd and i did okay even though i didn't study and was offered like 4-5 scholarships at schools around the country, and that seemed a lot better than being the jamba-queen forever (even though i was pretty good at it). honestly, though, i hadn't really resigned myself to the single life after all. when it comes right down to it i never wanted to be a lawyer, and as much as i want to make a difference in the world, what that usually boils down to is that i want to get married and have babies. i try not to say that because i know it's scary. especially to boys. and if i scare them away then i'm just making things worse for myself. but $100k in loans from law school isn't gonna get me married either, and paying them off by myself would probably use up the rest of my good childbearing years, and then even if i did get married...well...honestly i look down that road and things look pretty bleak.

yep, you got it. all that stuff about not wanting to be a lawyer, and all the money, and all of the negative things i said about school and spokane and needing to get away from there and the ex and bad memories, yadda-yadda... some of that's true, but a lot of it is just part of the canned speech...

so, here i am free and on the prowl. unfortunately i've never been very good at prowling. so, i may just be back where i started...but at least i got out of provo, so i can tell my dad not to worry about the HBLL track. and if i end up an old maid anyway...well, there's no way to tell now, so i'll deal with that kind of hindsight when i get there...

and really, i felt good about the decision to go to spokane, and about the decision to go to seattle...so, when it comes right down to it even the old maid or not thing is somewhat superficial. mostly, i'm just trying to go where heavenly father wants me to go, and no matter what happens, as long as i do that it will be okay. because doing what's right is the best way to be happy, no matter what any kind of hindsight may say.

"it's less depressing if you're dancing"

sometimes i wonder if, when people do little things that are hugely nice, they know how hugely nice they are being...i dunno, it seems like most people are usually looking at the world (and other people) as if everything is somehow disconnected from themselves. so, when they do something nice their perception of why it's a nice thing to do is focused on the action itself or some quality inside them that caused them to do it, but they don't notice just how much it affects the other person...and isn't that really what gives an action it's quality? i suppose the result is never certain so we get used to classifying things by the usual or expected result just to be safe... or we're afraid of classifying by result because of the occasional times that our good intentions somehow go awry... but that's kind of sad because then we shortchange ourselves from being able to recognize and appreciate the good we can do in the lives of others. or, in the alternative, we fail to sufficiently consider our actions and excuse ourselves of a lot of thoughtless misbehavior simply because we lacked any specific wrongful intent...

anyway, i thought i was going to be so dead tired today. i've been staying up later every night this week than i should have because there were a bunch of church-people things going on, and since that's 100% of my social life in seattle so far i decided i should take advantage and deal with the consequences (a.k.a. being really tired at work the next day). but, i wasn't tired at all today! in fact, i felt really great! i went to the crazy-long training workshop for the new distribution and disbursement guidelines being implemented in compliance with the federal debt reduction act (yes, i did just use a bunch of work-lingo, so no you don't have to know what i'm talking about) and it turned out to be really fun! and i still had time to make a "rtn tc to ncp empl" (yes more work lingo), and managed to correct, print, and attach the worksheets for the 3 9-275's i generated yesterday and routed them to cst...and i'll just hit that off button and save the rest of the stuff that no one understands... but it was great!

what does this have to do with dancing? well, on saturday night i was listening to this song... it's really pretty and really cute, only for some reason suddenly i was just crying! gross. i think it was just one of those times when you realize that your life isn't as cute as the song and dang it but you wish it was...and why isn't it? BUT that's just one of those things that happens when you're at home on saturday night doing your laundry. but then a few days later you go to a party and have fun and realize that life isn't really that bad...in fact sometimes it's pretty great, so you should be more grateful... and that maybe you shouldn't torture yourself and just save the cute songs for when you're dancing...

heaven, i'm in heaven
and the cares that hung around me through the week
seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak
when we're out together dancing(even if it isn't)cheek to cheek

making it official

i got an email from someone at school who noticed that i wasn't registered for classes, so i finally officially admitted that i wasn't coming back. so. there it is.

interestingly though, the state has an employee education program, and if i decided i wanted to go back and finish i could get them to pay for it as long as i remained a full-time employee (so i'd have to go to school part time) and signed a contract to continue working for the state for a certain number of years after i finished. there is actually a team of lawyers in my office, and most of the bosses of my division are lawyers too. so, if in a few years i'm still single and want to make a little more of my career i could get my j.d. for free and have a guaranteed job when i'm done. sounds like a good deal to me! we'll see... i like my job a lot, so i'm pretty satisfied right now, but it's nice to have good future options.

also, today i finally went to the department of licensing and managed to get them to believe i really am a washington resident. i didn't have much off the list of approved items to for residency since i don't pay my own utilities or anything, but i had a paystub (from the department of social and health services) and a letter about the state retirement program (i think from the department of revenue). usually those wouldn't count as separate things since they're from the same job, but the supervisor guy said it was okay since one could count as job related and the other could count as something gov't related since they were from different addresses and departments. *phew*

and my picture looks better than the one on my utah license. probably because i'm less fat now. after three months on my diet i'm beginning to make some more noticible progress. hopefully that will continue. i will keep working on it. maybe then i won't die a single fat girl... although i guess i could still be stuck a single skinny girl, but that would still be better...

hello? are you there?

so, i haven't been writing much since i moved. i've thought about it a lot though. when i was first here i was just too busy getting set up. but then when things died down and i had the time... i dunno... i guess i've been feeling pretty alone so i just decided i should get to like it so i crawled into my little shell and haven't been saying anything.

but then i remembered that i used to write this for myself, just to say what i wanted when there was no one else to talk to, so what was stopping me?

*sigh*

okay, really, i've been trying really hard to be happy and fun and say that everything is great. so i didn't want to get on here and sound like miss whiney-pants like always. but it's true. i'm a fat little baby who is lonely and cries in the car on her way home from work because she hates knowing that she has nowhere to go except home by herself and that every day is going to be pretty much like the one before it.

it's not like i haven't put in effort to meet people. i go to every church activity there is, even though i usually don't even know where i'm going and feel like an idiot always showing up by myself. usually toward the end i stop feeling awkward and manage to have fun, but then people start disbursing and i just leave because i'm tired of trying to force conversations with strangers who have better things to do.

so here i am once again sitting at home on friday night planning to go to bed early because i have no actual plans...

but, lest i seem obnoxiously silly and ungrateful:
even though i'm lonely all the time, i'm glad i moved and i'm grateful for a lot of things and i know my life is pretty good. i have a car i like and it's in good shape, i have a nice place to live that doesn't really cost me that much, and i have a good job, that pays sufficiently if not exceptionally well and has a lot of security, benefits, and opportunities to grow into better things. in fact, my first paycheck today was better than i expected (cuz my withholding isn't as much as i thought it'd be) and i got another little surprise from the irs so i decided to check out one of the malls here and bought a really hot shirt. plus, my diet is still working, even though i'm hitting a bit of a plateau so it's going to take some increased effort, and i'm looking and feeling better than i have in a long time. so my hot shirt will look even hotter, if i ever find a place where i can wear it...

and, even though i don't have any friends to hang out with, i still have friends who occasionally email me or call, and a week ago i got a totally unexpected call from my favorite boy in the world! unfortunately i'm not his favorite girl in the world, but i was still happy, as dumb as that may be.

so, i'm lonely, but not entirely unhappy i guess, and even though it's been slow-going in terms of social life, i haven't entirely given up on the possibility of a less-lonely future...

yet...

random things from talking to calvin on the phone, which is the most exciting thing that i've done outside work all week...

"you wrote her back?"
"yeah! she could be a total hottie-pants!"
"or a total idiot"
"yeah, probably that too"

"i'm 6'4" but i can crouch down to the size of a small leprechaun. does that help?"

"yeah, she totally digs me"
"the fat girl?"
"yeah, and i shut her down. as nicely as i could"

"i just beat them up and got tons of free money, but then they put it in the bank so i was like, blah. done."

"WRONG!"
"it's my birth month! i know how to spell it!"
"okay, that works, it's the stupid little...i dunno, what the crap..."

"i can hear you typing. what are you saying?"
"haha. i am cracking myself up from writing all these weirdo girls. okay, this is the one drowning girl... ashley, if i was drowning and you didn't know me, would you jump in and save me? huh? would ya?...oh, that is gonna be funny. girls respond to me. i was telling this little girl the other day, the one who's crazy who may or may not be interested in me, about all these cute girls on campus, that i'm not scared of them, i'm scared of me cuz i know if i put the moves on them they wouldn't stand a chance, and she was giving me crap about, have you ever heard my guitar playing thing?...if a guy starts playing the guitar and singing, whatever, not even romantic, it causes a chemical imbalance in girls and they're like "oh, they're so great". anyway, i was telling her that and she was giving me crap, and i was asking these other girls, what's better, a guy who dances with you or a guy who plays the guitar and sings?...and she was asking these other girls, and i was like, shut up josie..."
"what did the other girls say"
"i dunno, i tuned out..."

"what the heck. i'm a huge fan of the social scene and love being out, but pajamas and flannel sheets rock my world. what is that?"

"i should write like 10,000 girls, just to be weird...copy...paste..."

"well, sometimes my mouth and my brain don't match up"

"my neck was getting really sore from trying to hold my phone with my earlobe"

"ah, schnaps"

"and...uh...big gulp"

"yeah, it makes me look dead sexy"

"i can add a smiley face to this message! should i send the little one with the heart on it?"
"yes"
"oh, look, so special. if i marry this girl, i can tell her i knew the very first time i talked to her... okay, next. find the next girl. ...daughter...oh, you're done. she's only 21! i like playing video games and listening to techno trance?... i love tall guys! oh, wait... yes! requirement is 6'4" to 6'10" i just squeaked in. compose... this is what i'm writing "hey! pick me! i'm tall. and kind of cute in the face. here is a picture. hope you like it! hooray for tall people." sounds like a 3rd grader, but oh well. just look she's gonna be 5'2" but whateva."

"am i slender or athletic?"
"i dunno...in between?"
"how about washboard, that sounds cool"
"i guess you're long and flat like a washboard, but i think that means you have a six pack."
"that's okay, we can let girls think that"

"languages spoken? they should have "body language""

"what's up gangsters! can i put that on here?"

"some midgets are cool. they get to make movies and stuff."

exceeds expectations

woot!

1) didn't get lost
2) the apartment is nice
3) the area is not as ghetto as i feared it may be
4) the other girl, maggie, who was in my room but not moving out til next week moved all her stuff and is sacking out on the couch so i can move into my room now! yes!
5) my roommate, kate, is super nice...
6) ...but not a threat to steal boys
7) the landlord family upstairs is totally nice too
8) all my stuff is out of the car, and it didn't take that long
9) now i can go shopping and get set up
10) i think i'm gonna like it heeere! (pretend my hair is red and my name is annie)

i was sitting in my room writing a message on facebook, when i heard the office theme coming from my roommate's room, so i ran over to check it out...she was on facebook too. haha.

i need some excedrin and a nap, but i think i'm gonna go shopping first...

last hurrah

so, i'm moving in the morning. it finally became real today as i packed up the car. chilled with ma' grilz 2nite. rather calm actually... got some jambas, went to a park, played on the swings, made a little clover-chain bracelet, went to jody's (where she's house-sitting anyway) and watched the middle/end of the BBC jane eyre - the good one with timothy dalton. yes, i cried. i always do... it's a little melodramatic (fine, a lot) but there are some good lines! returned travis's hat that i mistakenly wore home the other night so he can get it back from them. when i got home and walked in my room i was a little surprised. it's so empty looking! like, i was moving things out all day, so i saw it, but to walk in after being gone a while and have it not look the way i'm used to it looking made it seem a lot more final: i'll be gone in the morning. weird. but good weird. i'm ready for things to change. not like they're bad here with g'ma and the jj's, but it's time. i feel good.

anticipation

okay, so i was catching up on bismark's blog today, and i realized that while he's been going crazy, i've been totally slacking... but of course, i came up with an excuse: see, it seems like my life must be really exciting right now cuz i just got a new job and i'm gonna be moving to seattle and everything, so there's a lot of exciting stuff going on...only it hasn't really happened yet, and all of this time that i've been waiting to see what was going to happen i've hesitated to say anything because, just like with the DP blogs, as soon as it seems to be going well enough to start writing about, all of a sudden it falls apart and i have to shove my foot in my mouth...so i guess i didn't want to talk too much about all the jobs i was applying for and plans i was making cuz then if they didn't work out i'd look dumb. not that i don't always just end up looking dumb anyway...but can you really blame me for occasional attempts at avoiding it? okay, yeah, maybe you can... but hopefully in a couple weeks when i actually move i'll have something worth saying.

in the meantime, let me just throw this out there:
i went for a walk tonight and i was thinking about how this girl who i think is going to be my new roommate is probably really cute and i'll never be able to bring guys over cuz she'll steal them away...not that i have anyone for her to steal, but should i find somebody that would definitely suck. not that i've even met her yet, but she's into outdoorsy stuff, so she's probably got a great body, and she's got this really girly-high-pitched voice, so she's probably really cute and stuff too, and then i started making this list of what guys seem to value in girls: (1) body, (2) active/outdoorsy-ness, (3) clothes, effort in appearance, (4) face, (5) intelligence/personality. then i realized that this list has nothing to do with guys, but actually is just the reverse list of my own qualities: apparently i assume, due to my constant failures with guys, that what they want must be exactly the opposite of what i am. but this girl, who i haven't even met yet, i have assumed after one phone convo that she's exactly the opposite of me and thus that every guy is going to want her instead of me. wow. talk about issues! i definitely have some. but, i have this horrible feeling that i'm right and that they aren't issues, they're just an unfortunate reality of my life...we'll see...if you're shaking your head at me right now, just wait a few years and if i'm single when i turn 30 then you owe me...

seattle

some of you may know that i've been making a lot of trips out to seattle...lest you think it was all just a ploy to see DP, i haven't seen him the last two trips (not that i didn't want to), but all of them have had a job-related element, which finally resulted in an acutal job OFFER today, which i of course accepted (with the provision that if it is offered, i may take the one i interviewed for this morning instead because it's at an office which would be more convenient in terms of housing and transportation). so, as of july 1st i will be working and living in seattle! how exciting!

i'm especially glad b/c it was otherwise a somewhat frustrating day... i had to come back to the hotel and ice my stupid, bum ankle for like an hour and then when i managed to get back out i had to untape it cuz it was turning all red and then i kept getting lost and wasting soo much time, and forgot my good shoes at the hotel so now i have blisters and a bum ankle and i'm getting really hungry cuz i skipped eating the whole day (except when i decided to go to jamba, got way lost, finally found it, and then they overcharged me and made my smoothie wrong...blah...i need to send a complaint about that one)...

but i also made it to the seattle temple, which was pretty, and sat outside and read some BoM and wrote a letter to jac...that was good... and went over to the mccaw, cuz DP said i needed to see it at night with the lights on...unfortunately i saw the lights, but they weren't as cool cuz the fountains weren't on... but now that i'm moving out here i'm sure i can check them out another time! yay! but i'm still hungry...and i'm too tired and sore to go get any food (and too fat for fast food, which is all that would be open now anyway...) and too cheap for room service...
but i think i can hold out until the free breakfast... and i'll give myself a few extra calories for tomorrow since i used less than half of today's... does that count as cheating on a diet? kind of like a cross between bulimia and anorexia...no puking, but you starve one day and splurge the next...hmm... oh well...

"my friend"

that's what he refers to me as; i heard him say it to someone last night. so, no DP for me it seems. cuz there's somebody else who he's dating now. i wish he'd given me a heads up on that a little earlier, but i suppose i wasn't surprised cuz it's become one of those things that i'm always afraid of, and it seems for good reason. bummer though, cuz i told him i had a rough week so he called me last night and we talked for like an hour and a half (which is a pretty standard convo time for us) and he told me that he meant all the nice things he said about me and it wasn't like there wasn't potential, he just decided to try something else cuz he knew her better. i don't know if that's supposed to make me feel better, but if it does then not very much...i finally find somebody who says i'm attractive and means that he actually thinks so and not just that he figures somebody else might and he slips through my fingers. am i supposed to take this as proof that there are other guys like that out there somewhere? or should i just remind myself that i'm a total idiot and will always botch every opportunity i ever have?
so, i'm going to seattle for a job interview this week, but instead of being 95% excited to see a boy and 5% excited about the job (and another 100% excited about the prospect of getting the job so i can see the boy on a regular basis), i just kind of wish that i weren't going at all. except, now i have my grades back and know for sure that i've lost my scholarship and i'll need the job even more, so i'm going anyway.
but on the bright side, i think i get to pick my g'ma from the mental health clinic. they don't allow visitors so i really don't know how she's doing, but i hope she's doing better. DP says he wants me to tell him how it goes. why does he have to say it in such a concerned voice? i guess that's the friendly thing to do, right? dang him for being so nice to me and making it impossible for me to be angry. i was the one who got my hopes up, so i only have myself to blame if i'm disappointed now. i guess it's good that i'm not spending an extra day in seattle with DP cuz then i can just make it a 1-day trip there and back and not leave my g'ma alone at home. do i actually want the job? i don't know. i was determined to take it if i lost my scholarship, but moving all the way out to seattle with just one friend who's just a friend who's already dating somebody else isn't as exciting as the situation i was hoping for.
oh well... i guess a friend is better than nothing. travis said when he broke up with me i was demoted and that now we're only acquaintances cuz i don't qualify as a friend. that really hurt. and strangely, it was still really nice and comfortable talking to DP, even after i knew we were just friends, so, yeah...weird... life is weird.

bam!

new blog design to go with the new me.

the new me is 7 lbs lighter than she was two weeks ago. partly due to the fact that the end of law school has allowed me the time and attention to get into my new eating and exercise regimen with renewed vigor; and partly because when i kicked it off i was retaining water like a beast. gross, i know, but i'm a woman and that's just how it goes sometimes. i have to live with it, why shouldn't you? (that was rhetorical, so forget whatever comment you might be coming up with...)

life is funny. we all know this. never goes how you expect. but i've been having quite a few pleasant surprises lately. you may notice that along with the revamp i got rid of the quiz about what i'm gonna do if (when) i quit law school. although i appreciate the suggestions, it seems that the most likely plan is currently: moving to seattle with starting pay double what i'm getting here in spokane. this will hopefully allow me to hook it up with the person who has recently caused a severe increase in my telephone usage... let's call him "DP." i'm not sure just yet if he tastes as good as dr.p, but he looks good enough to taste, and i'm planning on gettin it done in the next couple weeks. ;) this plan of course means that i have to make it past my next interview with flying colors, but at this point i'm feeling pretty hopeful, since i already passed the prelim evaluation and the skills test... only time will tell...

in the meantime i'm jamba-in' it up at the shadle safeway. that may not mean much to anyone, but i discovered today that although i have been referring to it derisively as my "crappy back-up" i couldn't help but pitch in and help with some dishes today when i didn't have to and i was freakishly excited to make some customer recommendations... i can't help it. i'm an official jamba nerd. unfortunately, the non-real jamba status of this particular location means NO FREE SHIFT MEAL and NO EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT, which was rather disappointing. did i say rather? gah...

still...i'm feeling pretty perky...hence the pink/purple motif i've got goin on here...

oh, and shout out to bismark: i was chattin it up with DP the other night and he mentioned that his fancy razor wasn't good enough for him, so he'd given it to a friend, who was taking him to some special shaving place to pay him back. i thought of you of course. tried to tell him that i understand shaving fetishes cuz "i have this friend..." but i don't think he believed that i could even begin to understand and just kind of cut me off... i laughed.

(empty)

cleaned out the trunk of my car... emptiest it's been since i moved here.

it's too bad trav and i don't talk or see each other anymore cuz out of everyone in the world he would be the most excited to see it right now... even more than me! haha.

that is all.

the state of my social life: a statistical report

convenience sample - male facebook friends

n=180

q1
"interested in"
men: 2

q2-6
"relationship status"
married: 40
engaged: 13
in relationship: 30
single: 67
null: 30

if q1-4=1 removed from sample; n=96

q7-9
"looking for"
dating: 23
a relationship: 21
whatever i can get: 9

if q7-9=0 removed from sample; n=30

q10-12
realistically probable i would respond favorably to date invitation: 12
realistically probable i will see this person again before i die: 5
already explicitly informed me he will not date me: 3

if q10-11=0 or q12=1 removed from sample; n=1

conclusion: i should propose to elliot before one of those byu-i girls does it first...haha!

i'm a utard

i know, i'm wondering the same thing: how could this have happened?!

moved to utah to go to the Y: august 2000
graduated from the Y: april 2006

lived and worked in utah for 16 mos after graduation, during which time i:
forgot to renew my michigan DL at home, so got a utah DL: january 2007
bought a car in utah, partially paid for by a loan from a local, utah credit union, licensed, registered, and insured in utah: april 2007

moved to washington to go to grad school: august 2007
realized that my registration expired in april 2008: march 31, 2008

so, i was planning on waiting until my registration was about to expire and then switch it over to WA, but realized that i'd also have to get a DL here and probably switch my insurance and everything too...such a pain!!
BUT they probably already sent my renewal packet to my old apartment in provo...and in order to renew in UT i need the UTAH safety/emissions inspections which i can only get IN UTAH... i suspect i may be able to get an extension since i'm out of state, but by the time i get out of class the DMV is already closed (it's an hour later there) and neither the online information nor the touchtone menu cover these types of issues... gah! frustrating!

cheerfuller

so, it's been a couple weeks. guess i had to let the drama settle.
i did cry today, but it was understandable and about school drama, not a boy...well, it was about the school drama that came about as a result of boy drama, so really it was about the boy... but now both of them are done and i feel good.
i wrote this to my buddy calvin on facebook, and i think it's pretty representative of my new, less depressed self:
"blllaaaah...penguin. yay. boys...um...blah.
i haven't had a good refreshing beverage in a while, but i had some lemonade that was okay even though it was ghetto from concentrate
today was a good day, and it was sunshine-y and i got a nice email from a nice boy, and no one played any tricks on me except rex sent me a penguin too, but that's okay.
:D"
so, yeah...happy april fools day!
can you say that? is it supposed to be a happy day or a mean one?
i don't know.
i was almost going to call the nasty boy today. i needed someone to talk to the drama about and he seemed like the most reasonable person since he knows about it. but luckily one of my real friends asked me about it first so i didn't have to. that was nice. i have a good friend. even if he thinks he's a bum and tells me i should slap him if ever we meet again. i might, but it would be a friendly slap. haha. i'm being goofy. at least i'm not a psycho-crying mess like i have been on-and-off a lot lately. yay!

cheerful by day, tearful by night

"i'm still in danger of some drama-trauma relapses, and possible sudden cry-bouts and massive self-esteem deficits"

yeah...

i hate being alone, and at night i always am...i talked to my friend calvin on the phone for about an hour, and then chatted with ryan again for maybe 30 min... sigh... but i find that i can't keep myself focused on much lately.

for some reason i never do well with the whole "closure" thing. that saying about God closing a door and opening a window might sound nice, but i find that i'm the kind of person who has a tendency to lay in front of the door wailing and pounding for an excessive period of time. how childish...

my first year of law school is turning out to be the most difficult and traumatic of my life, and it really didn't have anything to do with my classes. still, i'm seriously questioning the wisdom of this life path. how can i do well in school when i'm too upset about everything else to care? i'd rather sit here and write stupid, depressing analogies than do my homework, and i've spent my whole life doing homework. yeah. that's a bad sign. that's what DeeDee would call "the done sign" and i don't have an escape window to crawl out of if that happens.

but i went running tonight too. i'm proud of that. well, jogging. the asthma usually sets in pretty well after the first few minutes so even that leaves me pretty light-headed by the time i get home. i'm glad the snow finally melted. i need some workable goals to help me feel less lost and empty.

the morning after...

...a night of major life-altering drama is always interesting. you wake up with a bit of a headache, and realize that maybe a new world isn't so scary after all.

i took sam to the airport. that was a bummer, but i am soooo thankful that she was here this week. it was so much fun being here with her, and she really helped me remember who i am and go do some things that i needed to do. it will be hard to deal with the aftermath without her, but i'm a grownup, right?

went to jamba this morning. got the favorite pink star: no soy sub low-cal base no sorbet light froyo sub pine sub strawb extra strawb 2 cups...so delicious. and the chick wants me to work there...she even got my name and number. i could use some extra cash.

chatted with my mom on the phone a bit. that was good.

and here i am at school way in the AM. i need to catch up on the work i wasn't doing while i was playing with sammie. i haven't been at school this early since...um...orientation? haha!

sigh...i'm feeling pretty good right now. but i know i need to be careful, cuz the excited-slash-pissed-off thing can never really be sustained 24/7 and so i'm still in danger of some drama-trauma relapses, and possible sudden cry-bouts and massive self-esteem deficits.

but! today is the 40th day, and although i didn't meet the exact terms of my goal, i think i managed an acceptable alternative, consisting of (1) massive bridge-burning ceremony with some necessary but cruel honesty, and (2) some raft-building which should help sustain me until i find some good bridge-building materials. to be precise, i ended the lingering travis-issue, and i already have two dates set up with two different guys. bam. feeling...well...good? meh...as well as can be expected...and maybe even a little better

i don't do st. patrick's day, i'm welsh...

i was creating this analogy, and i realized that it's perfect, cuz now it's technically monday, so it's st. partick's day. here it is:

i thought i found a rainbow and i was trying to follow it to a pot of gold, and when i finally got to the end it was just a little handful of brown stuff covered in yellow foil. and then i went to take a bite and the brown stuff turned out to be dog crap instead of chocolate. because apparently it wasn't a rainbow at all. it was just a mirage. but neither exists anyway...just a trick of the light... and i was definitely blinded by it.

sigh...

realizing the truth...or rather, forcing yourself to stop running away from it... is strangely exhilarating... like skydiving. you'll never feel freer...you can scream to the sky everything that you've had pent up inside you, everything that's been whirling around in your mind and heart, both of which were long since broken; because you know it's the end and in a second you'll hit the bottom and it will all be over. because, unfortunately, sometimes the screaming was just because you realized that the person who was supposed to be loving and protecting you had actually handed you an empty backpack without a parachute, and the truth you're finally facing turns out to be the realization of all your worst nightmares, and when you wake up you aren't dead and instead of just the pain of a broken mind and heart, you have a broken body too.

and your friends tell you you're brave and you agree and say how happy you are to have it over with, and how great it felt to jump and be free. sadly, that plane and that person were your world and now you're lying in a field somewhere you don't even recognize, not knowing which way to go, and wondering if it even matters. but you have a vague hope that somewhere out there is someone else who can make your life worth living, so you just have to get up and keep walking around on your broken legs, holding your broken head with your broken hands, and the bloody trail left by your broken heart leaves you wondering how long you can possibly make it alone...

sofia says i'm melodramatic... and she's obviously right. but hey, that's me. it's funny how a person can tell you, even as he's pushing you out of his plane, that you need to be yourself. and how come they let you get in the plane in the first place? that's a dirty rotten trick. if you aren't interested in running the whole marathon, you should enter a shorter race, and if you realize you can't finish whichever one you started, then don't pretend that you're training to try again unless you mean it. nobody likes a quitter, but don't pretend to stop and take a breather and send your running buddy ahead if you're just going to try and sneak away. at least be man enough to call yourself a crappy quitter and send your buddy home too instead of letting them waste time and effort on someone who obviously wasn't worth it to begin with.

thinly veiled i know.

i have a headache.

i think it's the same headache i've had for the past four months.

the ones that originate in my heart never seem to fade as quickly as i'd like.

manic monday

it happens to be monday, but every day is manic around my aunt mary. she was being ridiculous on saturday night so i ran away to stay with some friends for a couple days, but i ventured back tonight, and as soon as i walked in the door i wished that i hadn't. she's worse than before, although not as bad as i've seen her. she's got about three sewing projects going, some painting, watching a movie starring steven seagal (her supposed husband...ha!), designing me a suit (please, God, don't let her get anywhere near my clothes), looking for jobs online (but she can't even set up her own email address?), and decided that she should cook everything in the refrigerator. when i walked in she was on the phone with the mother of her son's girlfriend. she told her she was trying to get in touch with him, and that she'd been leaving him three messages a day and was just wondering where he was as he hadn't called back yet. i don't blame him. she called me at least five times yesterday and i didn't call back either. i'm glad i'm not her kid. she tells everyone i am, but i'm glad that i'm not really. now i'm going to hide in my room and pretend to be asleep and maybe she'll leave me alone. i hope. ugh...and i hope she really isn't expecting me to drive her around tomorrow. hopefully i can sneak out when she goes to sleep...if she goes to sleep...she might not...dang it... this is like working in an asylum, but i don't even get paid, and i can't go home at night because this is where i live!

if you keep believing then i'll keep on being

you write the lie you'd like to be
when your life's a book you wouldn't read

i've been happier lately. i'm finally starting to feel like my life is worth living again...today when class was out i was so excited that it's spring break and i have some time to finally get things together and sort things out...clean out my room, and my car...my mind and my heart... but sometimes i feel like i'm just fooling myself. it's hard not to give up on now and try to live for the future, but i think that's what i usually do, and the problem with that is that whatever it is i'm waiting for never seems to come. so i try to be happy with now, and sometimes it's okay, but other times it's just hard.

can you tell why my intentions always wind up near misses...
there's the promise and the shell of great beginnings seldom finished

my friend was all upset because this guy she kind of dated just got engaged, and so i was going to go over and cheer her up, but then this guy that she's been hanging out with was going to come over, so she didn't need me anymore. i tried to call some other people and find something to do, but it didn't really work, and so here i am at home alone again. i don't mind being alone. i don't mind when people have other things to do. i'm not so egotistical as to think that i'm everyone's best friend and first priority. but i do feel like crap when people who i think are my friends ignore me on purpose and can't even bother to tell me they have better things to do. that hurts. i hurt.

there's citrus groves where no one knows the fruit of truth from evil
and a long walk on a short pier means nothing more than swimming here
there's an end but we don't get to choose. we can only lose.
if i cried a river just for you
would you swim in it some sunny afternoon?

oh well. tomorrow's another day, right?

new blog

i decided that i should share some of my reading notes...or, rather, that i'd find a place for things that i like, but that don't really belong in my notes... basically a place for some of my favorite quotes from the cases i read for school...i'm starting out with one that i think is kind of funny, but hopefully i'll find some important and inspiring stuff to share too.
anyway, here it is: legalese, and yes, the address is a horrible pun, but hey, what would law school, or life, be without some dumb jokes, right?

defrag

i'm cleaning and defragmenting my HD, which i realize is kind of the theme of my life right now. midterms kind of got me freaking out last week, but i think it was okay because i used it as motivation to be productive rather than...well, sleeping 16 hours a day to escape the pressures of life or something...haha

really though, i managed to get (and so far, stay) more ahead of my daily homework than normal, and i'm starting to get to sleep a bit earlier, and wake up a bit earlier, and i even got up and paid some bills and stuff before school today and wasn't rushing around to make it to school like usual. and a few days ago i found this desktop calendar that i'm really liking and i feel like my life is starting to get more organized. for a long time school and my attempts at a social life have been vying for predominance in my life, basically at the expense of most any and everything else. but, that's going to change...or at least, i'm trying to make some progress toward actually doing all those things that i'm constantly making mental notes about but never actually following through, mainly just cleaning out my car and my room...now if only it weren't all yucky and rainy outside...maybe i'll do the room tonight, and save the car for another day... haha... procrastination is a hard habit to break, but hey! i don't have to do everything at once, right? as long as i'm moving in the right direction...

"[perfection] tomorrow, because today is almost over"...

shenanigan's

that is where i am not. instead i am in the library with my bluebook. yay.

the midterm today pretty much sucked, and kind of brought back some bad memories from finals time that just generally made me more anxious than i would otherwise have been. so, although i kind of wish i'd gone to party with the girls, i kind of just didn't feel like being fun. but, i'm not going to wallow, i'm just going to work. i need to go to that stupid research training thing still and i want to go to institute tomorrow, so that means i can't procrastinate LRW; and farid sent us a practice exam question to do for class tomorrow. ha! just what we need.

my back hurts. maybe i should see if i can finally get myself to the chiropractor this weekend...

the yuck of the irish

my house smells like corned beef and cabbage, and it's kind of gross. that's what we had for dinner (we = me, g'ma, and my two aunts who are staying with us right now...but one of them thinks i'm my mom, so that's funny...haha!)
apparently around st. patrick's day is the only time you can really buy it, so g'ma says she makes it once a year. that's good. i don't think i'd want it more than that. but the carrots and potatoes were good. g'ma teases me for liking vegetables more than meat. haha.
but, dang, she totally redeemed herself when she broke out the home-canned pears for dessert. so yummy. mmm...

to shiv, and other shiz

i love you. you can always be my valentine. 'member that last time we hung out at the ghetto-wood not-so-ghetto-anymore clubhouse and laid on the giant beanbags gabbing for ever so long but still not long enough? sigh...heavenly...

in other news, today was day #2 of the office marathon at the JJs, and it was great. i finished a crochet project as well. yes, i do have a lot of work at school, but i put in a lot of hours over the long weekend to get ahead and have been consistently staying at the library until at least 7 every day (even holidays, as alluded to in my last post) so i feel justified in a bit of relaxation to keep myself from having a total spaz attack...since i'm in the middle of a minor meltdown lately as it is.

and, on a better note: morning prayers. remembered today. i've traditionally been pretty good at the scriptures and evening prayers, but i'm really not a morning person. remembering where i am and what day it is can be hard, but dang it, those morning ones always escape me. but hey, maybe i'm finally starting to get to be a better person or something. probably just "something"...like, i'm having a minor meltdown and know that i need a lot of help just to get out of bed and pretend i still want to be alive. that's morbid. just pretend i stopped at the better person idea. haha.

i've been listening to a lot of classical music again lately. not sure why exactly...

not quite

for those of you who wondered if i'm the biggest loser at school, there was one other person that i saw when i left the library last night; so, close, but not quite. yeah, apparently other people have things to do on valentine's day...haha...

love bucket

some of you are familiar with this concept (which i have mentioned before).

also, some of you may know malorie, my former jamba-buddy, roommate, and all-around cool girl, who uses "lovebucket" as a common term of endearment (for completely unrelated and unknowable reasons, but worth mentioning just because i think it's funny).

often i prefer to refer to today as "singles awareness day" but i must admit that i don't really hate valentine's day, i just hate not having a valentine. i like telling people that i care about them, and i like the idea of valentine's day, and i find that no matter how many times i dump my bucket of love over someone's head only to have him run away, a bucket of love is kind of like the biblical cruse of oil...always full.

so, although i'm a little disappointed that i still haven't found anyone who wants my bucket, i'm just going to keep carrying it around, and if you ever need me to share a bit with you, just say the word, cuz there's plenty to go around! :D

girly

well, i'm obviously not a guy, but sometimes i wonder how good i am at being a girl...
like, i have girl friends that i get along with and understand, but sometimes i'm forced to realize that there's this separate girl-culture that i'm not a part of...
i know, that sounds like some serious in-group/out-group bias, which is probably not very Christlike, but really...i try to be hygenic and avoid dressing too sloppily or like a pioneer or whatever, and generally i think i have passable social skills. sometimes i talk too much or too loudly or veer into questionable topics, but i'm generally friendly and entertaining. when i was younger i was pretty dorky and shy, but i feel like i've made decent progress over the last 10 years or so and managed to pull myself into the mainstream population.
but somehow i always seem to be confronted by the fact that there is this whole other breed of females, often resented by women and idolized by men, and i'm afraid that this distinction is perhaps the cause of my life's major woes...

example 1: my empty-handedness at the end of the friday night institute activity
example 2: the obvious disparity between myself and the preferred "ex"
example 3: the confusion of the bishops of every singles ward i attend at my lack of dating history (and my inability to be satisfactory to the guys they then throw my way)
example 4: my inability to properly advise my guy-friends about girls

the fact is, there are a whole bunch of very attractive, highly-fashionable, confident women out there who just have something that i don't. moreover, my lack of having those things makes me completely unable to interact with or understand these women. furthermore, this is what most young LDS guys seem to be looking for: trophy-wives. i'd be a great wife and a great mom, but i'm not worth fighting over or showing off, and i guess that's why i've been sitting here on the shelf so long.

i dunno...i always thought it was better to be a "real" person who was too busy with meaningful life pursuits to be overly concerned with looks and fads, but i wonder if this isn't maybe just some type of rationalization... i didn't want to be a "sell-out", but maybe i should realize that what i've been labeling as silly and "shallow" is just reality and if i want to win at life then i have to play the game like everybody else...
maybe i'm not as noble as i pretend to be...i'm probably just as shallow as everyone else, but i know i can't compete so i'm "self-handicapping" by pretending that i don't want to be like those other girls when the truth is: i'd love to be beautiful and chic and treat people like crap just because i know i can get away with it; then maybe i'd be the heartbreaker instead of the heartbroken for once...haha...oh well.

ash wednesday

sometimes i forget i go to a catholic school, but it's kind of hard to miss people walking around with ashy, black crosses on their foreheads. it seems that the catholic church now recommends that you do something proactive for lent, rather than just committing yourself not to do something. i think i'm going to try it. in fact, this seems like a good time to nail down my new year's resolutions, which i often put off until my birthday. (yes, i'm so self-centered that i prefer to count years by my age rather than just the calendar...)
this may seem silly, but my proactive-lent commitment is that within the next 40 days i will go on a date with a boy...this of course will hopefully involve being asked, but if i can't manage that (which is vastly likely) then i guess i'll just have to suck it up and do it myself. this might seem like a silly thing, but with the half-hearted decisions i keep almost making in this area lately i think it is necessary. i'm not very good at burning bridges, so i think things will be better if i just start building some new ones.

day of birth

there was a note from my g-ma on the counter this morning saying she had to take a friend somewhere but would be back tomorrow night, and she was sorry she wouldn't get to see me on my birthday. but, i figured that would be okay cuz jody and i had been plotting a way for me to try and get some stuff going with this one guy and having the house to myself might work out nicely. i wore my favorite sweater, and my birthday necklace (someone got me a present!), but i didn't do my hair so i think i kind of looked ugly. oh well. i skipped my first class and went to lunch with jody, and then after school i stayed at the library for a while. i had a couple messages, one from my old roommate sam and one from my sister nicole and called them back in the car on my way to FHE. i called my parents cuz i hadn't heard from them yet and it was getting late. my dad gave me some news from my ward at home, and asked my mom if she wanted to talk, but she was tired and going to bed. yeah...my own parents forgot it was my birthday. oh well, they might remember tomorrow or something maybe. i didn't remind them, cuz it seems like a weird thing to point out to parents... went to FHE and tried to pull some tricks with that guy, but he was sweaty and went home to take a shower, but would maybe come by and hang out...i waited for a couple hours, but finally gave up. i feel kind of funny cuz i took lots of medicine for my back today but didn't eat much and it still kind of hurt anyway... but i should be getting some better painkillers tomorrow i think...
it's good that i have facebook cuz having like 30 people say happy birthday virtually almost makes up for your own parents forgetting...and i finally got a letter back from my sister in the mtc, so that was a good present. so, yeah...sigh...i'm cold...and feeling a little lonely in my empty house...

brokeback hill

went sledding yesterday, and of course i just had to be the one who got hurt. yet again it seems i have an unavoidable propensity for injury... that combination of hearing and feeling your skeletal structure shift in that kind of abrupt and painful way would be a rather singular experience, except that it's happened to me before...but then i had parents to take me to the chiropractor and health insurance, and now i don't. getting out of bed was torture, as was sitting through church, fighting the urge to crawl on the floor and lay down under the pew...i skipped out on sunday school to lay on the couch in the hallway...i was so happy to get home, heat up my rice sock (thank you kennarae!) and have been laying here for about four hours now.
i'm not looking forward to tomorrow. the chairs at school are really uncomfortable to begin with, but with my back like this i'm dreading school tomorrow. i think i might cry just thinking about it...oh wait, i already did...yay...happy birthday to me...
on a happier note, i have some good friends, and got a couple of really sweet presents. thanks guys. life's rough, so it's good to have those little things that remind you that it isn't always as bad as it seems...

dizzy up the girl

yesterday i wasn't feeling very well in the evening and took a nap in the middle of studying cuz my head hurt and i couldn't focus...sometimes when i don't sleep or eat enough i get really dizzy...my vision goes funny and it's like i'm in an earthquake, only not really...that's kind of how i feel now...i don't know why universities don't have "rest areas"...i know i would be a much more productive student if there were somewhere on campus that i could go and rest and take a nap or something. seriously...at least at byu they had "mothers" areas in the ladies rooms...after a while they started putting up signs about no napping in those, but dang...i logged a lot of hours between classes on various couches around campus. seriously, though, it seems like a healthier option than popping excedrins all the time...if i had more money i'd go get a massage or something...anyway, i told myself that i'm going to be in the library for 3 hours...if i could get the type to stay still on the page i'm sure it would be more well spent, but hey, gotta work with whatever you got, right?

hmm...side note...someone mentioned today that i'm sarcastic. i guess i knew that, so it didn't really surprise me...but i suppose i just didn't realize that other people notice; like, people that i don't know very well...hmm...

g'ma

check it! scroll about 1/2 down and the lady in the mickey mouse shirt is my g'ma:

http://www.semissourian.com/story/1296185.html

re: emergency school closure

"This email is being sent per authorization from Dean Martin. All Law School classes for Monday, January 28, 2008, have been canceled and the Law School itself will be closed. Please do not come in.

The Law School will also close today, Sunday, January 27, at 3:30 p.m.

For all who need to get out, please drive safely."

it's good that my whole weekend was so messed, that i didn't get this until i'd already hacked out my ice-encased car and driven all the way down there on monday afternoon, but i had to sit in my car and use the school wireless to read it.

FRIDAY:
quila was meeting me at my house, and then we were going to go down and sleep over at jaime's and go wedding shopping in the morning. i heard a car pull up and somebody opened the door, but instead of quila, it was my "crazy" bi-polar aunt mary. yeah, the one i tell stories about who dyed her hair green, tried to kidnap my sister once, and most recently has been on the run in california since she got in trouble for running over a cop's foot after she was involved in a police chase. yeah. so i was pretty...um...excited?...to see her at the door...she commenced her mile a minute yelling-crying-swearing tirade about things which largely are not real, and after calling my parents, and warning quila by text message, decided it was real lucky i wasn't planning on spending the night at home since g'ma was still in idaho, and being there alone with mary isn't a good idea. so i grabbed some pj's and anything of value that might not be safe at home with her, locked my room, and hi-tailed it outta there.

SATURDAY:
snowing. all day. went shopping. bought some cute jeans. quila tried on a wedding dress. we spent more time looking at lingerie though. travis called and invited us over to his place to watch a movie. tried to invite some boys but none of them could come. bummer. had to stop by my house to get clothes for church and other essentials that i'd forgotten in my haste the night before, since i wasn't staying there at night with mary and g'ma wasn't back yet. when i got there my uncle buster was there. *phew* he said that he'd make sure she was taken to the hospital, willingly or otherwise=cops. got out quick, went to travis's and had fun, then over to sleep at jaime's again. nice to have somewhere to go, but no internet still.

SUNDAY:
still snowing. got three calls that church was cancelled. the whole stake actually. then travis called and said his other ex-girlfriend wanted to know if i would tutor her in english grammar (she's only lived in the states a couple years). mildly awkward, and his signal was bad and we were playing phone tag for a bit. i told him i would, but didn't know if i could, or what i'd teach her. he said not to worry about it. and then texted saying sorry for asking and that she hopes there aren't any hard feelings between you two. of course there aren't. i barely know her, and haven't i always tried to be nice? he didn't say anything back. why do i always end up looking like the bad guy? mom called to say mary was safely back at the hospital, but i wasn't about to go home with two feet of snow on the roads when i live out in the boondocks, or getting to school in the morning would be awful. so, chilled at jaime's. jody made it home from oregon; only took 11 hours (instead of the normal 5-6). then we each got about 10 text messages and/or phone calls about pres. hinckley passing away. watched a random bollywood movie--who knew indian guys could be hot?

MONDAY
finally stopped snowing. but my car was encased. got the snow and ice off the windows, but didn't bother with the hood or roof cuz i didn't want to be late for school. managed to pull up in the parking lot 2 minutes before class started. no one else was here though. pulled out the laptop and saw the fun email. would have been nice to know that, but i couldn't get a signal on the wireless, or even the medianet on my phone to connect all weekend. oh look, professor morrissey just pulled up next to me. he's 40 minutes late for class. haha. well, i guess i'll go home and study. got a couple free hours now.

my birthday is in a week, so i really hope that next weekend is a little better, cuz i don't know if i could handle this kind of drama two weeks in a row...

"virgin dream"

that was the theme song of the movie i just finished semi-watching. i say "semi-" because it was so obnoxious that i couldn't really give it my full attention. dumb song too...something about love being a game you can't win. blah. if i had to place it in a genre, i would say it was the movie version of a man's attempt at a romance novel -- stupid plot with horrible dialogue; depressing, anticlimactic and un-romantic ending; lots of blood and even more boobs. uh, yeah...yay for the 80s... why does my g-ma own this? has she watched it? weird. (http://imdb.com/title/tt0102640/)

on a completely unrelated topic, yet somehow fitting perfectly under this title: my friend shannon and i found that we agree on yet another important viewpoint - if we were catholic we'd give up and join a convent, because if we're cursed to live single and therefore celibate (due to our religious beliefs) we may as well have a greater cause or commitment to it -- it might be easier if we felt like we had chosen it for some higher purpose, rather than just the fact that we can't get a guy to marry us.
sigh...but i'm not catholic, so i guess i'm just going to have to get married...

ex-man

i was driving to a fireside tonight and i decided that if i could pick a super-power it would be to be able to sense the emotions of the people around me.
i used to think that invisibility or telepathy would be the most useful, and if i were extra-super cool then i would happily add one or both of those to the mix, but to be able to feel would be the best. you'd know who needed your help and if you actually made some kind of difference. you'd know if when someone said they were "fine" or "just tired" if they really meant it, or if they were hiding some terrible hurt that they thought no one could understand. you could see through all the words and actions that people hide behind, all the sarcasm and jokes and half-truths. no more asking important questions and being sidestepped, because you wouldn't have to ask: "are we really friends," "am i wasting my/your time," or "do you mind if...that...when...how..." less misunderstanding, less wondering, less loose ends. i feel like my life has too many unanswered questions, but if i have to go on living without asking them or without having them properly answered, it would be so much easier if i could just feel a little bit more clearly...
or maybe it wouldn't matter...because how would i ever separate them from my own? maybe that's the whole problem...if i don't trust my own feelings, how much good would it be to understand anyone else's?
haha...once again, i've overridden my own answers with another pile of questions...

hillary

quote from g'ma: "i think she's a cold tomato...that's why her husband was messing around with other women...she's a cold, hard tomato."
haha! that was great.

old people are crazy

okay, not all of them, but sometimes i think my g'ma and her friends must be cuz she's always saying such crazy things. apparently her friend told her once, and she completely agrees, that the education they got coming out of 8th grade back in the day (like the 30s?) is as good or better than kids coming out of high school now. seriously? are you kidding me? all i said was, oh, well, grandma, did you take calculus and physics in 8th grade? cuz that's what i did in high school...
sigh...obviously there are problems with education...there are lots of problems in the world...but don't go telling me that it's so much worse now than it ever has been...problems might change, but they never go away...that's just life... oh well...maybe in 2050 i'll be saying the same stuff to my grandkids...ha!

but i don't know anybody...

old people can be so funny. in case you miss my crazy g-ma stories, here's a great one...

so, she was looking at her phone bill. first, i should point out that instead of having regular long distance she uses one of those 10-10-whatever numbers...so, she gets a separate bill, which shows each of her calls for the month, all, oh 6-8 of them...and she's looking at them, and insists that some of these numbers are to cities where she doesn't know anybody and she's going to call the company because she hasn't made those calls and something fishy is going on...
haha...yes, g-ma, the phone company wants to cheat you out of those 75 cents...
so, i tell her we should just look up the numbers and see who they are...yay for reverse lookup online...and of course they're all people who she knows and now remembers having called...except for this one number which she's called 3 times in the last 2 months, which is apparently in idaho and she doesn't know anybody or would have called anywhere there...and the number's unlisted, so i don't know who it is either...we look up and down g-ma's phone list and can't find it.
finally i get my cell phone and tell her that it's free cuz it's saturday, so just call it and see who it is, and *miracle*: "who is this" "it's mary" "mary my daughter?" yep...aunt mary...whose cell phone number is written randomly in the corner on the BACK of the list...yeah...haha...but aunt may sounds good, so that's cool...haha...i laughed. good times.
but, i bet if g-ma had called up the company and insisted that she didn't know who that call was to, they might have just given her the 75 cents. haha.

multiple choice: the arts of second-guessing and best-guessing

they say that on tests you should go with your first impression. i don't know who "they" are exactly, but you should listen because "they" are right.

going over my contracts exam today, which i was expecting to be one of my best and turned out to be by far my worst, i discovered that the one answer on my scantron sheet that clearly had an erased answer--the one i erased was the right one. and comparing with the grade distribution, i realized that if i hadn't changed my answer it would have been a whole grade step up. (like C+ to B-) grr.

also, i've heard that, when in doubt on multiple choice, guess "C". also true. if, on all the ones i got wrong, i had put "C", i would have been 3 grades higher... (like B- to A-) grr again.

so, never underestimate the importance of multiple choice.

i'm back!

in spokane, and school...

but most importantly, i'm feeling like my old happy self again. the past...gosh...almost two months now i guess...i've kind of been a mess...

i just learned something though - there is something really satisfying in the knowledge that you've overcome a trial. but, i don't mean the ability to wait it out or fix it: what i mean is that if you can find happiness even when you're still in the middle of the trial, somehow that kind of happiness is so much more fulfilling than being happy any other time. it's because you know that it's the kind of happiness that comes from faith and hope in God and not just because good things are happening to you. haha...i suppose the truth is that good things are always happening, and so are bad things, but when you learn to be happy in spite of all the things that are happening, even when the bad ones are still really bad, it sets you free from those things and events in a completely different way. hmm...am i making sense? haha...

but, i guess that's a lesson that you keep learning and re-learning all though life. i suppose each time the trial just gets harder, but then when you pull out of the muck and rise above it you've grown a little more...and i guess that's what life's about, huh? oh my...i wonder what other beautiful trials i have to look forward to...oh my! but i guess the blessings are better too...

anyway...i spent too much time chatting online tonight when i should have been studying more, but i'm feeling really great right now, and i just wanted to spread a little of that around... (especially since i've sort of been acting rather eyore-ish lately...little stormcloud over my head...so, i feel like i need to make up for it a bit)

anyway...time to continue the self-makeover with some yoga and scriptures! g'night!

resolute:

–adjective
1. firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion.
2. characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc.

i hadn't really thought that much about setting any new year's resolutions, until i talked to bismark today. generally, i think that a goal ought to be really specific and include a plan for how to accomplish it. but, the next few weeks could result in some drastic changes in my life and i have no idea how it's going to turn out, so i feel like i don't even know what i'd be making resolutions about. but, talking to bismark i realized that looking back at the past year and evaluating my progress is as important, if not more, than making plans for this next year.

so... recap of 2007:

mini theatre career: pirates of penzance, and hello dolly; tons of work, but a lot of fun and good memories too

moving to spokane: crazy! but i'm adjusting and i feel a lot more grown-up and independent and self confident...even if there is a certain amount of loneliness that comes with independence

first boyfriend: amazing and exciting, and so much better than i ever imagined

first breakup: horrific and depressing, and so much worse than i ever imagined

a semester in law school: worked my butt off, and learned more than i thought was possible in such a short amount of time

general life lessons: sometimes you can go into a situation with the best of intentions, and think that you're trying your hardest and doing the best that is humanly possible, but without the right perspective you can still end up making really stupid mistakes that cost you way more than you even thought was at stake. and then all you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try not to do it again, even though you know that most of the time you really have no idea what's going on and so you're still going to do plenty of stupid things in the future.

so... for now i've decided that this year i'm going to make one resolution...(and when i get some of the logistics of my life worked out then i'll set some more specific goals)

I resolve that I will try to focus more on what my Heavenly Father thinks about me, and less about what I think other people think about me.

i think that is a good place to start, don't you?

snowed out

got a good workout today shoveling snow. and of course the whole time it's still kind of snowing, and then as soon as i get my tired, sweaty self back inside it starts snowing again for real...but, at least dad could get the car out to go to the drug store... so, maybe i'll be getting another snow workout tomorrow morning too! haha

snowed in!

okay, not really...but we got like 10 inches last night and so i'm not in a big hurry to go anywhere. haha. the past few weeks it's never snowed more than a couple inches at a time, and usually never sticks more than a few days at a time, so this is the first serious snow since i've been here. guess it wasn't so bad that my social life died and i sat at home with the family last night, because then i didn't have to drive home in all that snow. instead i went crazy superpoking people on facebook...if you want we could play a little game of "one of these things is not like the other"...haha! whoever finds the one poke that was sent to only one person wins a prize! i'll take you to lunch or something. okay, fine, that's just a ploy to get someone to hang out with me...haha!