embarassing

i wish to share with you the great admiration and respect with which i have come to regard you

it's funny the things you find when you clean your room. i realize that i'm not one of those people who live in the past after all. i mostly block it out. which is good because my past is often pretty embarassing. i've done and said and expected a lot of really silly things, and at the time they seemed totally reasonable. maybe they were. 20/20 hindsight. clarity can be pretty harsh. just makes me wonder how much of what i do and say and expect right now will turn out to be the kinds of things i spend my life trying to forget. i usually think of myself as a relatively rational person. i guess i might be wrong about that. really wrong.

maybe i just spend my life immersed in some type of imaginary world, mostly constructed of misinterpretations and incorrect assumptions.

denial.

why...how...do people refute a phenomenon of which they are a prime example? do they honestly not realize what they're doing? do they have a reason for their behavior which they think legitimately excepts them? and if they are an exception, can they not recognize that they are in deed simply an exception and that the general rule is still valid?

this is something that often frustrates me. but maybe that's what life is a lot of the time. we're all too afraid to face reality and so we spend our lives in denial. and once in a while we realize just how silly we're being.

now at last i know
what a fool i've been

when the spring is cold
where do robins go
what makes winters lonely
now at last i know

i watched vh1 today. haven't done that in a while. feist. pretty chill. not really feisty. i like it.