watch out!! this is gonna be long...

i feel like i haven't written anything on here in so long! only a couple days really, but, anyway...

so, i'm starting to freak out about moving. getting things organized is so hard and takes so much longer than i expect. it makes me all upset and restless. plus, it always seems that things have to get messier before they get cleaner, you know? you have to pull everything out from where you've stashed it and try to make some sense out of it all. i have a feeling that in about a week i'm going to give up the organizing and just start throwing things in boxes and hoping that i don't forget something important.

i start law school in ten days. that freaks me out a little. starting to say goodbye to some of my friends and coworkers and the whole packing thing makes it seem a lot more real. it's funny, cuz i've spent a lot of my life not liking my life, and hoping that i can do something to change it and make it better, but i always seem to fall into the same rut. sometimes i wish i could just quit. that it could just be over. it's too hard, and no matter how often i start over i always have the same problems. i'm my own worst enemy. i know that happiness comes from inside and the gospel and everything, but isn't it normal to be upset when your life isn't what you wanted? when you aren't who you want to be, but you don't know what to do about it? i just keep telling God that if he isn't going to give me what i want then he'd better have something pretty awesome waiting for me after all this crap cuz otherwise he might as well just end it now. sometimes i just don't want to play anymore. sometimes it seems like the whole atheist abyss of nothing seems really nice.

that's a horrible thing to say, and i know it, and i guess maybe i don't really mean it.

i hate moving.

when i was a kid we moved a ton...from utah to florida, back to utah, back to florida, to michigan, somewhere else in michigan, to california, somewhere else in california, back to michigan, somewhere else in michigan...i managed to stay in the same place for high school though, even though my sisters went to three different elementary schools there. but even when we didn't move it was like there was always the threat of moving looming overhead...i can remember living places where we didn't even take our stuff out of storage...we rented some basic furniture and my sisters and i slept on air mattresses...i hated it. i hated knowing that trying to make friends was a waste of time because just when i started to settle in we'd leave again and i'd never see them again. there was this one girl then who lived in the same complex as us, but a different building. we were in different classes at school, but she was one of my best friends for the year or so we were there. a few years later she moved into the same school i did. i was so excited! finally one of my long-lost friends wasn't lost anymore! but she didn't seem to care. wouldn't even talk to me. that was hard. i'd always thought that all my long-lost friends were still my friends even though they were lost, but that sort of burst the bubble for me. i'd spent my whole life remembering all these people in all these places, only to realize that they'd probably forgotten about me long ago. you know someone maybe six months or a year, but then you never see them again and it's like they don't exist. only i was the one who didn't exist. ever. to anyone. i have one friend from high school that i kept in contact with. but she's been married for a couple years now. i call her when i go home, but the past few times we haven't even seen each other.

so i tell myself that it's good to have a fresh start, but inside i don't think i really believe that. i feel like i'm erasing myself again and going back to being nobody. i'll smile and try to be friendly and funny, but inside i'll know it's a waste because eventually they'll leave and none of it will matter. i try so hard and care so much about my relationships with other people. they say that's all we can take from this life, right? but it seems like a lot of wasted effort if when i die i get to the other side and there's nobody there who recognizes or remembers me. might as well stay here and be a ghost. or just go into nothing where i don't have all the happy people around reminding me of how crappy i feel and how lonely i am.

i'm afraid i do it to myself though. i'm the person who's so afraid of losing something that they hold on too tight and end up killing it instead. i take things too seriously and care too much and hold on too tightly and desperately. and then the very people who i want to be close to are scared away. and rightly so i suppose. i expect too much. maybe normal people are content with casual friends, people to occupy their time until they find someone better. i leave too much of my self-identity in the care of other people. peope who are most likely taking care of their own and don't have time for mine.

i warned you this was going to be long...but i guess i didn't realize i'd get this carried away and depressing too...sorry. i'm really naturally a happy person with a happy disposition. i try to be hopeful. i try to make other people happy. i try really hard to be nice and do the right things. but maybe the whole time it's really selfish cuz i'm just hoping that somehow it'll make me feel real, instead of someone who sits at home alone writing in blogs to imaginary audiences. in the middle of the night.

anyway, hopefully i'll like washington. i'll forget all my childish fears about my own non-existence and make some friends, even if they are only temporary, and at least have a little fun when i can find the time. maybe i'll even learn how to study; i've got to admit that i've never been good at skipping fun for studying. study would maybe be more productive.

and crap, i hope i manage to get a boyfriend before i'm thirty. i honestly am okay with not getting married and having babies right off, but dang it would be nice to have somebody to pal around with who likes me and who i can be comfortable being real with instead of always being worried about crossing boundaries or being too familiar. saying what i really mean and think and feel and who'll do the same back. maybe even just a best friend would do, since boyfriends seem a little out of reach for me.

anyway, this has been crazy, tired, middle-of-the-night bridgette, and not even what i intended to write about at all! hopefully you really will forget her. even femi-nazi bridgette might be easier to deal with. gah! she didn't even get her own tirade, and she's had a few stewing. oh well... leave those for another time...haha!