fish is bad

our neighbor brought us some smoked trout. i'm generally not a fan of fish (if you know about my aversion to salmon you should know why), but g'ma said i should just try a little bit. so, she cut me a little piece, maybe 1 in x 1 in and 1/8 in thick...little, little piece... i ate it. it was good. felt fine. figured my problem must just be a salmon thing. ate dinner (no more fish though...corn, zucchini, some beans, and hawaiian sweet bread...yum). then went back to studying...
about three hours later i start feeling somewhat nauseated. laid down on the couch for a bit. got up, but felt worse and went into the bathroom...few minutes later flushed my dinner down the toilet. g'ma felt really bad.
i really need to learn my lesson and quit eating fish. even just little, little bits. ugh.

massage the facts

law school is interesting. really big on professionalism and ethics...but when it comes right down to it, you're supposed to find all the details and fit them to match what you want or need... but only if it's a reasonable factual possibility. no lying or presumption... but you can and are supposed to "massage the facts". we had a guest speaker in my criminal law class who was a federal defense lawyer. someone asked a question and used the phrase "get off on a technicality" and he told us "there's no such thing as a technicality. it's called the constitution." pretty interesting stuff sometimes.

i just made a good comment in class. prof said we're better than the last class. not to brag. i have to think of these things to keep me from a panic attack. they curve everything. and i've got a scholarship to keep. i'm always glad when someone proves they're dumber than me. makes me less scared. generally i'm more motivated to study more than i ever have been. this is good.

not waiting by the phone

two guys asked for my number last night. both of them used it within 24 hours. unfortunately i have way too much schoolwork to make use of that right now. but it speaks hopefully of my future.

do re mi fa so la di frickin da

went to gonzaga choir auditions today. much simpler than byu. my aural and sight singing performance kinda sucked, but that was partly due to the fact that they were having a piano sale in the choir room and there were people testing them out, which was rather distracting. but the auditioner asked me which one i wanted to be in and which part i'd prefer singing. basically i rock and can do whatever i want. well, not really, but it's nice to pretend sometimes.

*sigh* yesterday and today i have done much less in the way of studying that i ought. feeling not very motivated and highly distracted. distracted by what? well, nothing really, since i basically have no life. distracted by my own mind i suppose. i'm a daydreamer. real life mostly sucks. or i just have bad luck. smack me if you want. somebody told me something last night and i asked why and they said bad luck, and when i really think about it, it makes me want to smack them. but i don't because i know it would be pointless. they wouldn't understand why, and even if they did, they'd just be annoyed. not by the smack. by my reasoning which caused the desire to smack them, which they would say is silly.

i am silly of course. which must be obvious i suppose.
"how would i describe myself? three words: hardworking, alpha-male, jack-hammer... merciless, insatiable." - dwight schrute
hmm...okay so none of that other stuff applies, except the insatiable, but i am i think. that necessarily creates a variety of problems, which i generally deal with very badly.

well, i'm going to a wedding tonight. my cousin's cousin. so, hanging out with a bunch of people i don't know. maybe i'll meet some boys. blah. pointless. they're all just thinking "can i do better?" of course they can. even the ugly ones are thinking that there's always a possibility. my best chance at marriage is to find someone with an overwhelming sense of duty and then tricking him into getting me knocked up so he'll decide he has to. unfortunately that's against my religion, and i happen to be rather attached to my religion. you'd think i would've gotten used to the pointlessness of my social life after 7 years in provo. somehow i got this idea that things would change if i left. unfortunately, no matter where i go i'm still just me. oh well.

making fun of republicans

my civil procedure professor is really nice. he had us each fill out these surveys about ourselves on the first day of class, and then he compiled them and picked out some interesting/funny things to share at the beginning of class today. someone, in the section on "interests" wrote "making fun of republicans". my friend alan, who was sitting in front of me (and apparently will from now on since we filled out a seating chart today) turns around with this funny look on his face.

B: hey! i did not write that.
A: [shakes head]
B: what's that for?
A: maybe not, but it sounds like something you'd say.

he's still cool though. at the end-ish of class my friend melissa asked me what it means to be "a priestholder" in the lds church (she's been watching that weird polygamy show...haha) and alan and i gave her a little tutorial on basic church structure and stuff...it was pretty cool. and this one other guy and dr. hess stayed and were listening...double, no triple cool. going to a catholic school where there are tons of mormons is pretty much the awesomest when it comes to missionary experiences, cuz everybody kind of knows who the mormons are and we talk about church stuff all the time. i love it.

leader of the pack

so, yesterday this kid sits next to me at this meeting after class and asks, "so, how's the gang?" yes, apparently i am the ringleader of a female law school gang. really it started i think with me and these two girls melissa and katherine, who all met last week during orientation. katherine and i have all six of our classes together, and most of them are with a couple other girls, one of whom our contracts professor kept calling jennifer, even though her name is really stephanie, and the other is named ayanna...yes she's black*, and you say it like this: ah-YAH-nuh...anyway, that's the core of the gang...sometimes other people come along to lunch or to study or whatever...we're a rather open kind of gang. and apparently i am the leader of this gang. katherine says it's because i talk the most. i probably do. oh well. really it's just that they think i'm funny because i'm a mormon-wannabe-skank. only they laugh cuz i'm too mormon and not skanky enough to be much of anything except silly and entertaining :D

we've been discussing grades amongst ourselves quite a bit the past few days. all of our classes are curved...those of us who are on scholarship need at least a 2.75 to keep it...but if you fall to a 2.3 you're on academic probation...dang...that whole thing about C's getting degrees isn't true in law school... C's get you kicked out of school. dang. but like i told the gang, i'm planning on being smarter than the average person. hopefully i'll have some leadership skills when it comes to the curve too. haha!

* my friend cory would probably say that this is our token minority; that way if we should suddenly find ourselves in the middle of a horror flick, we'll know who's going to die first. how horrible! actually, she's pretty smart, and i'm hoping that as law school slowly becomes more and more like a horror flick that she'll manage to stay alive, since we'll probably need her.

spider-pig

(sing to the tune of the spiderman theme song...(duh))

spider-pig, spider-pig,
does whatever a spider-pig does.
can he swing from a web?
no he can't, he's just a pig...

(haha...just taking a break from the stack of textbooks...hope you enjoyed that as much as i did :)

waiting by the phone

so, i realized that since i've moved i don't use my phone so much...
but, just for fun, here's a rundown of who i still talk to: (most recent first)

dialed calls: mom, jaq, nic, amber, malorie...
incoming calls: mom, amber, mom, malorie...
text msgs rcvd: rex, rex, ryan, joe, rex, rex, rex, rex, rex, rex, rex, JD

there is one new person on this list...hopefully soon i'll find some more new people to call me so i won't feel so un-popular...haha!

does anyone else find it strange and/or coincidental that all the calls are from females, and all the texts are from males?

oh, and i dare you to read that text list 10 times fast...or just say "text list" ten times fast...haha!

dance, dance pt.2

decided to get to know some people. went to a YSA dance here in spokane, and dang it if i didn't meet the coolest guy! he introduced me to some of his friends, and then we went out afterward, and i didn't come home until 2 or something. hoping my cuz didn't mind that i ended up not calling him to go do whatever he was doing because i was having so much fun already.

I think we're going somewhere.
We're on to something good here.
Out of mind, out of state.
Trying to keep my head on straight.

greenbluff...

...is this really cool road that wraps around this mountain, and basically everyone who lives on this road has some kind of farm or orchard, and you can stop at practically any house and buy some sort of fresh fruit or berries, or vegetables, and some of the bigger farms have actual farmers market stores or shops, and sell quilts and antiques and stuff, and pies and all sorts of cool things. g'ma took me up there today afer we washed my car and did some laundry and stuff, and now she's going to get my aunt linda from the home where she's living right now. i don't know that i've mentioned her before. different than my psycho aunt mary, the bipolar wedding crasher. linda is mentally retarded and autistic. my g'ma took care of her for a long, long time, but finally sent her somewhere else to live. it's pretty cool now though cuz she has a job and stuff, which is kind of a big thing. but g'ma gets her on weekends and stuff to visit, and it's really cute. it's totally different now that i'm a grown-up. when i was a kid i was really afraid of her, especially when she'd get upset. funny thing though: babies are always "bridgette". like, whenever our family was visiting whoever was the youngest was "bridgette". she always makes up other names for me. kinda funny.

$952.42

that's how much i spent on textbooks today. law school is expensive. and tiring. it hasn't even started yet and i'm already tired. in the law library orientation thing we had today they showed us that at the circulation desk they have a box of earplugs, and a basket full of large bottles of a variety of over-the-counter drugs (aspirin, ibuprofen, etc.) the most common beverages this week were coffee, tea, pepsi, mt. dew, and water. not quite byu. i guess that's how everyone else deals with the tiredness... it's good i like water :) time to read some more...again...

pics from wash

this is my g-ma, riding her bike, which she does most mornings about the time i leave for school.


this is a street i drive by every day on my way to school. guess who it reminds me of...haha!

i think i'm gonna like it heeeeere!

imagine me singing that as little orphan annie...hope that makes you laugh a little...

anyway, today was an interesting day, but good. i'm in that kind of lonely-ish place right now, and was pacing around the house thinking all sorts of things that were just going to lead me to being really upset...and i already started randomly crying once today...so, i decided it was time to sit and write some of the the happy, good, fun, exciting, non-scary, non-sad things that happened...

got up early, made it to school early...met some nice boys, and some cute boys, and some of them were single, and some were lds (although most weren't both...dang)... law school is going to be a lot of work, but seems manageable (if i can just get focused and stop wasting time with the upset-pacing)...got some jamba, found the building where the singles ward that i think i'll be going to meets, got cheap gas, talked to a nice random lady who asked where i got my shirt... hmm...and don't forget: free room and board, and lots of other things too...plus a nifty scholarship...makes my life a lot easier...if i can just keep focused on the good stuff and stop worrying about other stuff...

you know, that seems to be a typical thing in life though...focusing on the good instead of the bad...i know that God gives everyone their own mix of blessings and trials, but sometimes i wonder if the things that are our trials are our biggest worries because they are our trials, or if they're our trials because their our biggest worries...does that make sense? like, do we get upset about whatever it is that God hasn't made how we want it? or does God specifically not give us whatever it is we really want because that will be the most effective trial? hmm...maybe a bit of both i suppose...

sometimes though it seems i come really close to having just what i want...not quite, but close...just have to remember to be happy and appreciate it for what it is and quit wishing that it were something else or something more... maybe i just live too much in my daydreams and not enough in reality...oh well...

i have a 45 page article on cross-cultural lawyering to read, among other things... *sigh* just gotta put myself into my work, and maybe all this silly stuff will go away... or i just need to be with people more... when i'm with people i'm much happier than when i'm by myself...with other people it's easier to be my party self instead of my pity-party self...haha

oh, speaking of party selves, i promised more fun g'ma stories...
so, this afternoon while i was at school, my g'ma went out to lunch with some friends...except "out to lunch" actually means, out for appetizers and margaritas...yep, g'ma and the cronies, all in their late 70s or whatever, out drinking margaritas in the middle of the day...haha...and apparently she was talking about this to the really elderly lady that she takes care of sometimes, and she might take her "out to lunch" sometime...yeah, the 90-year-old one...haha...
she aksed me if i knew what a margarita was...i said we make virgin ones sometimes...she says they're better with taquila...i think she has some in the cupboard, no, wait, maybe that was vodka...haha, oh well...

laundry and nudity

more fun g'ma stories...

so, i think i told you about the dishwasher, but i didn't mention the washer/dryer situation...well, the situation is that there isn't a dryer...i don't think she's ever had one. we hang everything out to dry on the clothesline, which most of the year is outside, until it gets too wintery. which is cool i guess. but is probably more interesting when you're like me and have a variety of fetishes including victoria's secret and leopard print... and then i'm studying and g'ma's like, oh, i'll fold those for you... and then she's teasing me..."ooh! sexy!" she says...mildly awkward. haha!

anyway, later tonight i'm up cuz i can't sleep (as usual) making some hot chocolate and whatev, and g'ma gets up to use the restroom or whatev, and it's good she grabs the robe when she does, cuz apparently she likes to sleep in the nude. not just likes - does. well, i'm mildly scandalous that way too when i have my own room, but somehow when it's your really old grandma it seems strange. like, grandmas ought to wear big lacey nightgowns or soemthing... silly thought i guess. but, you know, i plan on being just like my g'ma (in this respect at least...and probably others too) ...scandalous for life...i'm thinking that this is something i ought to add to my list of reasons why i'd make a good wife...not that i've actually made that list yet, but i'm pretty sure it'd be pretty long, and pretty good too...haha!

we're not in kansas anymore, toto

or, i'm not in provo anymore, tigger...since i came to wa by myself...and my g'ma has a cat named tigger...who i'm probably allergic to, but luckily stays outside most of the time...

so, i have a feeling that i'm going to have all sorts of great stories for you [anybody who actually reads this] now that i'm off in spokane...

it's only day one, but already i'm finding all sorts of funny goings-on...

didn't go to church today...kind of bad, i know...but i slept in kind of late after the big trip, and then since nickie and david had to get back to slc tonight and were leaving pretty quick my aunt/uncle/cousins came for a little visit...all except kenny...apparently he went to some bar last night with austin and his [austin's] girlfriend paige, but then went off somewhere else with some girl...they couldn't remember her name, but think it starts with a j...haha...anyway, later austin and paige went off to find him...

haha, speaking of drinking...my uncle loves telling this story about one time when he broke his foot just after my mom got home from her mission...he went to the hospital, but they told him he'd have to come back the next day, and sent him off without any pain medication or anything...so he's laying in the living room with his foot up, moaning and whatnot, and my mom comes in and asks if he's okay. he tells her to go get him a 6-pack of beer, and then it won't hurt so bad and he'll go back to sleep. but my mom, the good little mormon convert just off a mission won't of course, but does suggest that she call the missionaries to give him a blessing, or as my uncle says "lay hands on him"...haha... he told her only to call them if they'd stop and bring him the 6-pack. haha...don't think he ever got any beer that night...
and my grandma has what seems to me to be quite a bit of alcohol stashed around the kitchen...not that she's much of a drinker, and i know some/most of it is probably more for cooking...just funny cuz i'm not used to it.

oh, and while i'm checking out the kitchen i realize that she does have a dishwasher, but it looks a bit antique. looked inside, and it's a crazy old-school top loader! there seem to be a lot of empty bottles stashed in there, along with some granola bars and ramen noodles. i'm pretty sure that if it even works, it hasn't been used in forever, except maybe as some extra cupboard space...haha

g-ma has been gone most of the day though. on sundays and thursdays she takes care of this elderly lady...not that my grandma isn't old enough to be elderly herself, but she's only like 78 or something, and the other lady is like 90. plus, my g-ma is suprisingly spry...especially considering the whole post-cancer thing.

she has this quote on the refridgerator:

thank god every morning when you get up that you have something to do that day which must be done, whether you like it or not. being forced to work, and forced to do your best, will breed in you temperance and self-control, diligence and strength of will, cheerfulness and content and a hundred vitrues which the idle never know. work is the best wonder drug ever devised by god.

that is totally my g-ma...i suppose i'll just let you read some of the stuff that happens later, and you'll see what i mean...haha

priorities

haha...so the cleaning check lady knocked on the door a few minutes ago, and this was seriously one of the best things ever. i open the door and say "hi! we fail." none of us cleaned at all...except that we emptied out the storage closet...but with all of my stuff mostly-moved out, and garbage laying everywhere our apartment was probably the biggest disaster. empty pizza box on the table...seriously bags and bags of garbage, so many dirty dishes...and after all the other spotlessly clean apartments it probably looked soooo much worse. all the people in the apartment after us who could have failed but didn't owe us $5 or something...haha...she came in anyway to go over this end of the semester checklist....stupid that we even had cleaning checks when everyone will be moved out in a week anyway...oh well. it was almost worth it just to see the look of awed disgust on her face as she surveyed the filth, as we sat smiling at her like it was no biggie. oh, and definitely worth it for the other things i was doing last night instead of cleaning.

the list

so, while attmpting to organize my belongings, i was inspired to attempt reorganizing my life in general, and starting school again seems like a good opportunity. and to do so i have chosen ten categories, ranked them, and chosen amounts of time per week to allot to each. the times are estimates, and items which necessitate more time can take time only from areas given lower priority ranking...ideally at least... haha.


(1) attending church: 3.5 hours (includes a buffer for getting there a bit early, some socialization afterward, and travel time)

(2) reading scriptures: 3 hours

(3) attending classes: 20 hours (including commuting time, but not time between classes)

(4) attending institute: 2 hours(hopefully including travel time...need to get some more details on that one)

(5) studying: 30 hours (the estimate they give for BYU undergrads is 2 hours out for every hour in...i'm using that as a rough estimate, but i know this may be a lowball...it is law school after all...argh...)

(6) personal grooming: 15 hours (yeah, i know that seems like a lot of time, but i've decided that i need to do some de-uglifying and de-frumpifying if i'm going to pull of this i'm the shiz thing...)

(7) exercise: 4 hours (not much, i know, but i'm lazy and unathletic...this would be good for me...maybe i'll up it if i can...i'm thinking about trying the studying on a treadmill bit or something...??)

(8) social/free/misc: 24 hours (seems like a lot, but there's a lot of random things to do during the day... this would also include ward/ysa activities, talking to friends/family on the phone or im or whatever...reading the board, random online stuff, email....and acts as a free time buffer when moving from one activity to another...really not that much after all...oh, and some dates maybe? uuh...that's why i put #6&7 above this one...haha)

(9) sleeping: 56 hours (just your typical 8 hrs a night...got a feeling this will be an area i steal from a lot...just check the time this is posting to see how that works...)

(10) eating: 10.5 (30 min per meal... seems doable...at the end of the list because i have a love/hate relationship with food...i love it, and i hate myself for it...so if i can keep busy enough maybe i won't eat so much, which would probably make #s 6&7 more effective...haha)


anyway... this is just sort of a goal i guess. we'll see how it works in practice. hopefully i can make use of some multitasking as well... the exercising while studying idea... or eating while on a date or studying...or studying on a date? haha! ...what about studying while sleeping :P that would be nice...

kendall patrick payne

i freaking love facebook cuz it helps me get back in touch with old friends. most recently i'm freaking happy about the fact that my friend pat found me. he was one of my best guy friends in high school. i think he is one of the few guys who has actually called me on the phone to ask me on a date. that sounds weird, but it seems like now-a-days guys are too scared to go about things the old fashioned way and just call them up and do it. haha...but i think his mom told me that he was kind of freaking out about it. but i'm glad he did it anyway. one of the few people in high school who took me on a date as a first choice and not a last-resort-substitute. maybe the only one. we never really dated, and he did have some other girlfriends, but i just adored the kid, and probably had a pretty big-ish crush on him too. the kind where you know you're just friends, but you wonder about the potential aspect. anyway, he moved away and i haven't seen him in forever. but, haha, i used to have dreams about him sometimes. that he'd move up to the Y. usually kind of out of the blue, but they always made me so happy that it might happen. but never did. sad day. and then he wrote and told me that he finally might. but i'm leaving now. bummer.

but anyway...ode to pat... i remember our double date with bonnie (pat's sister) and anthony (who counts as a brother in pat's family and mine :). went to go see the movie entrapment. according to imdb this must have been apr/mar 1999...long time ago... we also went to the brian setzer concert with our friends tom and tasha. so much fun. we danced and danced, and then got this flyer for this swing club and went and danced some more. those are some golden memories for me. then pat got a girlfriend. bummer for me, but she seemed nice, so i was happy for him. he still gave me a foot massage after work this one time at a party...haha...random memories...sweet guy. haha, bonnie, anthony, tom, and tasha are all married now, and most of them have babies too. weird. life is good sometimes. i need to spend more time remembering happy things.

eye contact

the other day this customer at work was looking at me. that sounds so normal that to bother pointing it out seems funny. but he was looking at me. like, even when i looked down or away, he didn't. i'd turn to motion toward something on the menu or get his change, but i could tell that he was still just looking at me. this seems weird sometimes because i think most people have this sense of giving others a certain amount of social distance, and this guy didn't, and i noticed. it happens once in a while, and i'm like, gee, why is this guy looking at me like that?...weird... and i have to admit that it makes me wonder if maybe he thinks that maybe i'm kind of cute or something...which is nice...maybe not true, but a nice little hope. anyway, so i decided that it's time to start reminding myself how to flirt. i kind of gave up on guys and dating and stuff a while ago, but since i'm moving it might be a good time to stop being scared and start being fun.

so here's a preliminary list of things i'm going to try and work on...

eye contact, smiling, speaking with appropriate levels of volume, referring to myself and others in a way that reflects a more positive attitude, BE CONFIDENT! be happy, laugh easily (but not uncontrollably, or annoyingly ;)

anyway, i'm sure i'll think of more, but that's enough to start with, don't you think?

at any rate...some of my experiences of late have been rather enlightening and, uh...educational...hoping to be able to put it to future use...and then i had a lot of fun eatin some popsicles...

(oh, and in case you were wondering, that funk from my last post went away pretty quickly...i feel pretty much better now:)

watch out!! this is gonna be long...

i feel like i haven't written anything on here in so long! only a couple days really, but, anyway...

so, i'm starting to freak out about moving. getting things organized is so hard and takes so much longer than i expect. it makes me all upset and restless. plus, it always seems that things have to get messier before they get cleaner, you know? you have to pull everything out from where you've stashed it and try to make some sense out of it all. i have a feeling that in about a week i'm going to give up the organizing and just start throwing things in boxes and hoping that i don't forget something important.

i start law school in ten days. that freaks me out a little. starting to say goodbye to some of my friends and coworkers and the whole packing thing makes it seem a lot more real. it's funny, cuz i've spent a lot of my life not liking my life, and hoping that i can do something to change it and make it better, but i always seem to fall into the same rut. sometimes i wish i could just quit. that it could just be over. it's too hard, and no matter how often i start over i always have the same problems. i'm my own worst enemy. i know that happiness comes from inside and the gospel and everything, but isn't it normal to be upset when your life isn't what you wanted? when you aren't who you want to be, but you don't know what to do about it? i just keep telling God that if he isn't going to give me what i want then he'd better have something pretty awesome waiting for me after all this crap cuz otherwise he might as well just end it now. sometimes i just don't want to play anymore. sometimes it seems like the whole atheist abyss of nothing seems really nice.

that's a horrible thing to say, and i know it, and i guess maybe i don't really mean it.

i hate moving.

when i was a kid we moved a ton...from utah to florida, back to utah, back to florida, to michigan, somewhere else in michigan, to california, somewhere else in california, back to michigan, somewhere else in michigan...i managed to stay in the same place for high school though, even though my sisters went to three different elementary schools there. but even when we didn't move it was like there was always the threat of moving looming overhead...i can remember living places where we didn't even take our stuff out of storage...we rented some basic furniture and my sisters and i slept on air mattresses...i hated it. i hated knowing that trying to make friends was a waste of time because just when i started to settle in we'd leave again and i'd never see them again. there was this one girl then who lived in the same complex as us, but a different building. we were in different classes at school, but she was one of my best friends for the year or so we were there. a few years later she moved into the same school i did. i was so excited! finally one of my long-lost friends wasn't lost anymore! but she didn't seem to care. wouldn't even talk to me. that was hard. i'd always thought that all my long-lost friends were still my friends even though they were lost, but that sort of burst the bubble for me. i'd spent my whole life remembering all these people in all these places, only to realize that they'd probably forgotten about me long ago. you know someone maybe six months or a year, but then you never see them again and it's like they don't exist. only i was the one who didn't exist. ever. to anyone. i have one friend from high school that i kept in contact with. but she's been married for a couple years now. i call her when i go home, but the past few times we haven't even seen each other.

so i tell myself that it's good to have a fresh start, but inside i don't think i really believe that. i feel like i'm erasing myself again and going back to being nobody. i'll smile and try to be friendly and funny, but inside i'll know it's a waste because eventually they'll leave and none of it will matter. i try so hard and care so much about my relationships with other people. they say that's all we can take from this life, right? but it seems like a lot of wasted effort if when i die i get to the other side and there's nobody there who recognizes or remembers me. might as well stay here and be a ghost. or just go into nothing where i don't have all the happy people around reminding me of how crappy i feel and how lonely i am.

i'm afraid i do it to myself though. i'm the person who's so afraid of losing something that they hold on too tight and end up killing it instead. i take things too seriously and care too much and hold on too tightly and desperately. and then the very people who i want to be close to are scared away. and rightly so i suppose. i expect too much. maybe normal people are content with casual friends, people to occupy their time until they find someone better. i leave too much of my self-identity in the care of other people. peope who are most likely taking care of their own and don't have time for mine.

i warned you this was going to be long...but i guess i didn't realize i'd get this carried away and depressing too...sorry. i'm really naturally a happy person with a happy disposition. i try to be hopeful. i try to make other people happy. i try really hard to be nice and do the right things. but maybe the whole time it's really selfish cuz i'm just hoping that somehow it'll make me feel real, instead of someone who sits at home alone writing in blogs to imaginary audiences. in the middle of the night.

anyway, hopefully i'll like washington. i'll forget all my childish fears about my own non-existence and make some friends, even if they are only temporary, and at least have a little fun when i can find the time. maybe i'll even learn how to study; i've got to admit that i've never been good at skipping fun for studying. study would maybe be more productive.

and crap, i hope i manage to get a boyfriend before i'm thirty. i honestly am okay with not getting married and having babies right off, but dang it would be nice to have somebody to pal around with who likes me and who i can be comfortable being real with instead of always being worried about crossing boundaries or being too familiar. saying what i really mean and think and feel and who'll do the same back. maybe even just a best friend would do, since boyfriends seem a little out of reach for me.

anyway, this has been crazy, tired, middle-of-the-night bridgette, and not even what i intended to write about at all! hopefully you really will forget her. even femi-nazi bridgette might be easier to deal with. gah! she didn't even get her own tirade, and she's had a few stewing. oh well... leave those for another time...haha!