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do you ever wish there were a restart button for your life?

i seem to have spent an inordinate amount of time laying awake in bed during the course of my life. sometimes, i'm exhausted, and know that i have to be up and working in a couple hours, and yet there i lay, thinking...thinking...thin

king...

and of course at those times it's always the most awful "pity-party" style thoughts. thoughts about how to solve the ills of society turn into thoughts about how incapable i am of doing anything. if i can't even alleviate the problems of the people right around me, or the people i care about the most, then how can i ever do anything that will mean anything to anyone anywhere?

and thoughts about all the time i wasted that day. using excuses like colds and headaches and pains and personal frustrations, to wallow instead of work, and even wallow while i work.

and about all of the things i left unsaid. when i had perfect opportunites to finally say some of the things i so often lay awake thinking about. so that when i finally miss the chance, i lay awake some more thinking how stupid i am for caring anyway.

my head hurts, and so does my back, and my shoulder, and my throat; i'm sneezing and coughing, nose running...and then it's worse because i'm crying alone in my bed at 2 am and no amount of excedrin is going to fix it. but i'll take some in four hours when i get up for work anyway, just in case.

sometimes it feels like god is loving and directing the lives of everyone else, but that somehow my life is just entertainment. the ultimate cosmic joke. and if only there were a restart button i could hope that things turned out better the second time around. and even if they didn't, i could escape this mess that i really don't want to deal with anymore.

i'm living my life on the hopes of a better future. one which seems to be a neverending string of "one day"s and "someday"s; but tomorrow never comes, and someday seems infinitely farther away each time today turns out to be empty just like yesterday. all my hopes are in a far-off destination to which i don't have the directions, and so it remains just a hypothetical. and so i get used to today being what it is, and learn to stop hoping because even if thousands of days from now i wake up to find that suddenly the elusive tomorrow has come, i still have to live those thousands of days between, and living with that many more days of dissappointment is just too hard.

so, since i don't have a restart for my life, i'll just try to restart my attitude. talk to me tomorrow and i'll try to be a little cheerier than i was today (which shouldn't be hard, considering how un-cheery i was today). i've got a couple of really good books to read, and the bruises are starting to fade from my most recent klutzy incidences. i'll say some prayers and read some scriptures, and try not to care so much about the things i wish i could fix but can't. and then i'll put a smile on my face, and fake it until the nasty/angsty feeling starts to fade. somebody cover the mirrors in my apartment. that should definitely help.

i'm probably not a weirdo for feeling like this, just for telling everybody. maybe i should lay off all the painkillers and go get some anti-depressants.

oh well. at least if you're reading this then you care enough that maybe i have a few reasons to go on after all. thanx. because i'm tired of pretending to be strong, and then crying alone in the dark to no one.