law school

so, i've been hesitant about "going public" with such a big decision before i really know what's going on, but this is just too crazy...

yesterday i was talking to my parents on the phone, and explaining to them, as i have to some of you, that i was leaning toward gonzaga. they're a good school and had offered me a decent scholarship. not as big as some other schools, but my grandma (who lives in spokane) offered me free room and board, and that tipped the scales a bit...literally. my parents, knowing that originally byu had been my first choice, asked me if i'd heard anything. i hadn't and went on to explain (again) that since i hadn't planned on grad school my grades aren't as stellar as they could have been, and since i decided on law school a bit last-minute i didn't really study for the lsat, and as such only had maybe a 10% chance of getting in since byu is so competitive; so i'd kind of ruled that out. i figured that the only reason they hadn't already rejected me was that maybe they'd end up waitlisting me. most schools have their decisions out by now, so i told my parents that, barring any sudden changes in the situation, the plan was to go with gonzaga. so, of course, as soon as i say this, there's a sudden change in the situation...

tonight i came home and, before going to bed, had this feeling that i ought to check my email. nothing. then, on a whim, i decided to take a peek at my junk-mail box before emptying it. and, coincidently, amongst all the junk there was an email sent today from dean hernandez of the BYU law school informing me that i indeed had been "waitlisted". is this some type of sign? i don't know... do i even want to stay in provo after all? i don't know... do i want to give up my plan of being the smartest kid at the dumb school so i can be the dumbest kid at the smart school? i don't know... all i do know is that life is crazy, and it seems that every time i have my mind practically made up, something like this happens that forces me to re-evaluate everything. not that i even have a say in the situation. for all i know i'm last on the list and it won't make a difference...

totaled

insurance guy called today. our car is in fact being deemed "totaled". we've only had it a year and are still making payments, so hopefully we'll get enough money to pay it off. it would suck to make payments on a car you don't even have. double sucks for me b/c when nickie gets married (two months from today) then it was going to be mine to take to law school. now, not so much... but, we drove over to get the rest of our stuff before they smash it up, or part it out, or whatever.

a letter to a boy

3/7/07 - you think you're just a boy, but you aren't. i didn't know that at first. you may have been able to pretend to be a jerk sometimes, and you could have done it to me, but you didn't. thank you. i talked about a lot of stupid things last night, and you probably knew that none of it was what i really wanted to say, but i just didn't know how to tell you; but all the other things i said, that was just a way to try and tell you how special i think you are, but how afraid i am. and to ask you be careful with me, because you're stronger than you think, and i'm not as strong as i pretend to be. in case i never get the chance, or never take the chance, consider this my declaration.

3/26/07 - you never said the words, but i got the picture i guess. i guess i knew that it would eventually happen. always does. but you're not a jerk. i don't hate you. i will never hate you. i've told you that so many times, and i know you don't believe me, but i have to say it. i told you never to talk to me again. not because it's what i want, but it's because that's what you wanted, and i guess maybe you were right. maybe it's for the best, but, oh, it hurts so much. still, i have to thank you properly for the weeks that you gave me. things to look forward to and things to smile about, and things that made me so excited and distracted that i made a complete fool of myself... and hope that maybe someday i can have that for real. you didn't trick me; you let me see the real you, and it's beautiful.
i vowed i wouldn't let you know if i was hurt because i wanted to prove to you that you weren't a jerk and show you how wonderful you really are. but i failed, i failed miserably, and now you feel like a jerk again, and i hate that. i hate that i did that to you. i'm so sorry that i let this happen. i know you've been hurt so badly in the past and i wish more than anything that i could've been the one who you wanted, because i knew that i'd be good to you, and that i'd never hurt you because more than anything else i wanted you to be happy. please, please, if you ever think of me, remember that i care about you and will never hate you, no matter what you do, or how much you think you want me to. you have so much goodness and sweetness inside of you. and please, oh, please, don't remember me as just another reason why you're a jerk. those things that you dislike about your life, those aren't the real you. those are just the errors that you haven't worked out of the code yet; don't be scared to change them. you really are special and you deserve the best. don't be afraid to go out and get it. i'll keep praying that you do.
♥bridgotte

when you feel so tired but you can't sleep...

(the random song lyrics contest...go at it peeps...name your own prizes and, well, i'll see what i can do ;)

when you feel so tired but you can't sleep...
when you lose something that you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
illuminate the "no"s on their vacancy signs

what if you should decide
that you don't want me there by your side...

i want to be someone else or i'll explode

i've never been this bored before.
is this the prize i've waited for?
now with the hours passing...
have i got a long way to run.

and all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that i'd like to say to you
but i don't know how

are you sad?
are you holding yourself?
are you locked in your room?
you shouldn't be...

someday love will find you
break those chains that bind you

oh, if you want to love me
then, darlin, don't refrain

i don't quite know
how to say how i feel
those three words
are said too much
they're not enough

sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to this lonely heart
there are some things i live without
but i want you to know
that i need you...

who am i to need you when i'm down?
and where are you when i need you around?

you should know that i love you...
oh honey, i'm just a fool...
you see for so long i was blue
and if i hurt then you would too.
oh honey, i always lose.

you and i got somethin,
but it's all and then it's nothin...
i'm not the one who broke you
i'm not the one you should fear...
i thought i lost you somewhere
but you were never really ever there at all

i can't be losing sleep over this, no i can't
and now i cannot stop pacing.
give me a few hours, i'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing

i've been down here before
lost myself and so much more
find my way out of the game again

and i wish i could know if the directions that i take
and all the choices that i make
won't end up all for nothing...
show me it's okay to use my heart and not my eyes

i can't always be waitin, waitin on you
i can't be always playin, playin your fool

if that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time...
it must make you sad to know that no one cares at all

it's been a rough road baby, just let it go...
tell me what's the use of holdin on when all we do is hurt...

where once was light, now darkness falls
where once was love, love is no more...
these tears we cry, are falling rain...

goodnight to every little hour that you sleep tight
may it hold you through the winter of a long night
and keep you from the loneliness of yourself...
the sun shines but i don't
the silver rain will wash away the pain

someday soon i'll wake and find my heart won't have to break

the saga of the psycho stalker

some of you may have already heard about this, but i have a psycho stalker. he came into jamba again today, stood in the lobby for a couple of minutes and stared at me while i poured smoothies, and then walked back out again. didn't say a word to anyone. and it occurred to me, that this was a great story, and deserved to be preserved for posterity...so here goes...watch out, cuz this is the long version...

my story begins over a year ago. january 2006? i'm just leaving my apartment on my way to rehearsal for concert choir, probably about 1:30 in the afternoon. as i'm walking across the parking lot, this kid walks up and asks me, pointing at lavell edwards stadium, if that was the stadium. i answered in the affirmative. he then asks me if that meant that the road up ahead was canyon road. i tell him yes again, as i put in my earphones and proceed to try and ditch the kid, who seemed a little creepy. he then asks me if he could walk with me. well, it is a public sidewalk, so i just sort of shrug and try to answer as indistinctly as possible and make it clear that i'm attempting to ignore him. so, then he introduces himself...his name is moroni. what a great utah name...for a psycho... he has this drawstring canvas bag that he's carrying on his shoulder, and it looks like there's some kind of model sailboat inside. he then tells me that his mom is in the hospital and that he's selling all his stuff to try and make some money to help her. i obviously have no need for a model sailboat, but advise him that he go up to the residential area near the stadium. he doesn't seem to care about my suggestion, but instead asks me how old i am. i tell him i'm 24 (bit of an exaggeration as i wasn't quite, but i was trying to make myself seem less vulnerable). he tells me he's 19, but that he's dated 24 year olds before. (yeah right!) he asks if i have a boyfriend and i of course lie and tell him yes...and that he's big. so he then begins to tell me about how he walked all the way here from mexico when he was like 9 years old, and that his family found him in draper and took him to the hospital because he was sick and had some messed up stuff in his brain. at this point i stopped trying to be nice, and started trying to think of ways to get rid of the kid, without pissing him off enough to go postal on me. anyway...he then completely contradicts his previous story by telling me how his mom who lives in a giant mansion in mexico with millions of servants and millions of dollars, wants him to find a nice girl to bring back to mexico...holy crap! freaking out!... so, by now we've walked up by the marriott center and are waiting to cross the street, so i tell him that i have to go to class, but that if he turns around and goes the opposite way there are some houses where maybe he can sell his stuff. he runs off without a word, up the stairs to the marriott center, and i walk along the street, much relieved. until i get to the other end of the building and he comes bounding back down them again. luckily he is now ahead of me, and i begin to walk, as slowly as possible, across the street toward campus. however, at the other side of the street he stops dead in his tracks... i have no choice but to stay standing in the road for some indeterminate amount of time, or keep walking. and, sure enough, as soon as i begin to pass him, he's right back in step walking next to me. i want to scream and run away, but that doesn't seem reasonable, and the kid might be weird, but doesn't seem too dangerous...so i keep walking. besides, choir is graded solely on attendance and punctuality, and so i don't have time to mess around with this kid. he then tells me about this friend that he was just talking to. he hadn't been talking to anyone. i was the only person around. and he asks if i just saw his friend who he talked to in the limo that had just driven by. there were no cars on the road, definitely not any limos. uh-huh... so then he tells me that he has an implant in his ear and that he can hear his best friend talking to him. at this point the word "schizophrenia" comes to mind, and i wonder if i could maybe get the kid to walk all the way to the utah state hospital with me... but then as we're walking by the ASB i get really freaked out because now he's telling me how his "friend" has all of these satellite cameras and that he takes pictures of everyone at byu and that he has files on them all, and that his "friend" showed him a picture of a really pretty girl who was "short like a hobbit" and told him that he needed to go find this girl...and he tells me "so i did. and it was you." and now i was really scared. so, now he's telling me all about these satellite cameras and stuff, and how powerful they are, and i'm walking as fast as i can to the HFAC, and luckily he didn't follow me inside.
so, after class i have to walk home, and can i tell you that i've never been so paranoid in my life. i was constantly checking to make sure i wasn't being followed. aah! but, everything seems clear, and i'm not too worried, 'cept that i know he knows where i live!!!!!

so a couple of weeks later i see him at macey's (the grocery store). he walks right up to me, shakes my hand and asks me if i remember him. aah! i say yes, but ask him to remind me of his name. he does, but tells me that i'd better remember it the next time. oh help! i manage to get away, but notice him following me around and peeking at me from behind shelves, displays, etc. creepy!
he doesn't talk to me anymore after that, but i often would see him sneaking around and staring at me when i'd go shopping, until they finished the new reams and i quit shopping at macey's. every now and again though i see him wandering around near my apartments...sometimes when i'm walking places...alone...at which times i walk a lot faster than usual, and look behind me much more often...

a few months later: it's summertime and we're hiring at jamba. i see this kid walk into the store, and i run and hide in the back. he gives an application to the other manager, which indicates that he is available a whopping 5 hours a week. luckily everyone else thinks the kid's a whack-job too, and it's quickly filed away in the trash can, much to my relief. but, he then continues to come in every day for the next couple weeks, asking for the manager about his application. one of these times i was the only manager in the store, and so i had to go talk to him. i tell him that if we have his application that we have his information and basically give him the "don't call us, we'll call you" bit. he keeps coming in every day, but eventually quits asking about a job, and instead just stands in the lobby. sometimes he asks how much things cost, or what time it is before leaving. sometimes he just stands there for a minute. he never buys anything. after a while these random visits become more sporadic, and i chill out.

fall semester at dinner club, i mention something about this, and come to find out that i'm not the only one who's had run-ins with the kid. he apparently has tried to sell many of my friends a guitar amp for "a thousand bucks". they all declined. he was creepy and pushy... he is dubbed my fake mexican boyfriend... ugh...

jackie drags me to macey's one day, because she likes it better than reams...there he is, following me around and peeking at me from behind things again. he bought a bag of doritos, but instead of leaving the store, i see him walking around the store still... i hide a lot. jackie apologizes, and we agree not to come back to macey's at night.

at this point, i'm not so worried anymore, cuz he never tries to talk to me. just creeped out. he still comes by jamba relatively often. sometimes he really just comes BY, like, stares in the window, but doesn't come in, and walks by...other times he comes in, with this other guy who sometimes buys him juice... and sometimes he just stands there for a bit, and then leaves without a word... so, not really scary.... but every time i look up and see him standing there, i feel a little creeped out...

sexy wednesday

so, you may have noticed that i'm in siovhan's "sexy wednesday" group. today i was about to leave it though, because not only did i not feel like trying, but i was pretty sure that even if i did, it wouldn't work. but, as i was about to leave for work my friend calvin stopped by (to save us from a transportational fiasco...but that's another story) and was like "whoa! where are YOU going all dolled up?" i told him i was going to work, and he seemed surprised, and then i told him about sexy wednesdays, albeit somewhat despairingly... his response is the point of this note...
"well, it's working!"
:) yay for calvin.
that is all.

chronicles of a klutz

stairs are commonly a dangerous thing when i'm the one walking on them, as many of you have witnessed. sometimes also the sidewalk. my roommates agreed that my right foot when compared to the left has become noticeably discolored and swollen, and i have now been consigned to follow some acronym which i can't remember, but which means: quit trying to limp around and put cold packs on it. i'm hoping that by friday i'll be in better shape, because irene molloy has no understudy...eek!
so it looks to be an exciting day on the couch for me. and look! now i've got alliteration and rhyming!

**update**
have no fear! after a day of following aforementioned unknown acronym, it seems like most everything in my ankle has popped back to where it came from, and i can walk pretty well. putting a shoe on hurt like a bee-atch the first couple times, but luckily i keep necessary items like athletic tape on hand, and if i can make it through work tonight, then i am confident that tomorrow's show won't be too dangerous.

i am an idiot.

-hey, you wanna...?
-oh sure... lol ...you can't possibly be serious...
-oh, i can't? sorry...i guess i'm not then. my bad. nm.

[photo censored]

haha!

these are a few of my favorite things...

i was excited to have a day off work so i could go to the temple, but not so excited about walking home with wet hair (since nickie had the car in SLC as usual)...but luckily i didn't have to! k-rae had gone to do endowments and picked me up on the side of the road. AND then we went to betos for breakfast burritos. mmm...i haven't managed to eat the whole thing just yet, but i'm already on my second little cup of that red hot sauce. delicious. also, writing emails to lizzie in germany and sammie on the mish in NY. so, it's turning out to be a great day and it's still only morning! *sigh*