good question, also good song by maná.
so, this last week i was talking to a friend who reminded me of an interesting topic or occurrence about which i ought to blog/write a note. i agreed that i should, and decided that, at my earliest convenience, i would do so. so, here i am, at my earliest convenience, realizing that i can't remember what it was. i don't know if it's due to an acute lack of sleep, or just having been preoccupied with a variety of other concerns as of late. however, i still felt like writing a little something (which may turn into a lot of somethings) and figured that maybe i'd wander into the predetermined and forgotten topic along the way.
so, it's the end of the semester. not that i'm in school, but since i'm still living in student housing in a college town, it's still a time of transition for my surroundings. my apartment, roommates, friends, and jamba. yep, we're switching back to our extended summer hours. 7am-11pm, m-f. only 6.5 hours per week longer, but can i tell you that for the opening manager that little .5 of lost sleep feels like a lot more! so, if you love me, can you pretend that we aren't open then? thanks.
also, many people have been asking me how my dad feels about my recent purchase of a honda. yep. i've become a traitor to my city and my family. well, not really. i like it, and so do my sisters, and my dad is glad that i'm happy. but, i do not plan on driving it home. possibly ever. i'm really not as reckless as i seem.
first time taking it on the freeway was to go to a concert in salt lake, which was awesome! and it was at this place called the venue. i was standing outside in line, and it reminded me of this club i used to go to with my old roommates, and when i got inside i realized that it was! the bricks. (kalena! that one's for you :) the disco balls were still on the ceiling. but i've gotta say, the concert was way better than the techno stuff they used to play there. also less smoky. also full of little high schoolers. but still had tons of fun.
i went to the "alternative commencement" this last thursday. very interesting, and very motivating. like that feeling you get after a great workout, like after i run a couple miles and i'm freaking tired, but then suddenly i feel great and want to go do a couple more. (usually don't, but it's a great feeling:) some have lovingly described me as a "dirty socialist", and it's kind of true. however, i generally try to form opinions on issues not candidates, but i've gotta say, ralph nader is way cooler than i thought. not that i thought badly of him, just that i didn't think much at all, but wow! dude's got a lot of cool ideas. maybe just because they're the same as mine, but whatev! i'm glad that i went, and sad that more people weren't there.
anyway, those are enough somethings for now i guess...
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
a year of peace...
my friend nate is back from peru, and brought his fiancéé over for a little meet-n-greet tonight. it was great. and he once again recommended that i commence what he refers to as "a year of peace"...as far as i can remember, his year of peace only lasted eight or nine months... but at any rate it was apparently successful, and he has the fiancéé as proof.
nate and i have spent a great deal of time over the past year or so keeping each other apprised of the details of our failed attempts at procuring "love lives" for ourselves. and during a dearth, such as the one i'm having now, he always suggests that i just take a break, or a "year of peace" when one suspends all effort at dating. although, it seems that at these times i feel as though i'm already in a forced "year of peace" so i'm usually not too keen on the idea.
however, with my impending move to the gonzaga school of law (a.k.a. living in my grandma's basement in spokane) i realize that law school is the perfect time for a break. not a break from dating, since i've never really dated, but a break from worrying and caring and trying too hard. besides, law school will be enough work without bothering with hassles. and watching my sister make a mess of school while being engaged has definitely convinced me that i will be perfectly content if i graduate with my JD and am still unmarried... well, maybe not perfectly, but close enough :)
although, i have to admit that i do have a definitive weakness in the area of boys/guys/men, and declaring three years of peace would probably be futile. but maybe i could handle just one...
nate and i have spent a great deal of time over the past year or so keeping each other apprised of the details of our failed attempts at procuring "love lives" for ourselves. and during a dearth, such as the one i'm having now, he always suggests that i just take a break, or a "year of peace" when one suspends all effort at dating. although, it seems that at these times i feel as though i'm already in a forced "year of peace" so i'm usually not too keen on the idea.
however, with my impending move to the gonzaga school of law (a.k.a. living in my grandma's basement in spokane) i realize that law school is the perfect time for a break. not a break from dating, since i've never really dated, but a break from worrying and caring and trying too hard. besides, law school will be enough work without bothering with hassles. and watching my sister make a mess of school while being engaged has definitely convinced me that i will be perfectly content if i graduate with my JD and am still unmarried... well, maybe not perfectly, but close enough :)
although, i have to admit that i do have a definitive weakness in the area of boys/guys/men, and declaring three years of peace would probably be futile. but maybe i could handle just one...
Sunday, April 15, 2007
wanting...
i came home tonight and got online because the fifteenth is technically the last day to pay my seat deposit for law school. i decided this was the best place to go weeks ago, so why have i been waiting all this time? this is a good question. there are lots of good questions in life, and it seems obvious that the thing that makes them good is that they're hard to answer. i logged on and put in all my information, and for some reason i just couldn't click on that little button to confirm. i started crying. and then i cancelled and thought to myself, "i can do it tomorrow." i've been thinking that for a while now. why can't i just do it? the truth: because i don't really want to.
i've recently been forced to deal with some realizations about myself. even when i manage to figure out what it is that i want, i seldom just go do it or go out and get it. i think about it, and weigh my options, and (over-)analyze the situation until i'm convinced that it's impossibly out of reach, and then i give up. the other day i had a sample of something i really wanted, and almost forgot that i already knew i couldn't really have it. like test-driving a car that costs more money than you'll earn in a lifetime. you know you can never have it, but just sitting there, being there, smelling it, feeling the accelleration and pretending it's yours just for a few minutes, just so you'll know what it's like. and then you have to take it back and hand over the keys, and walk away. you'll always have the experience to look back on, but sometimes wonder if it would have been better to leave well enough alone, so that you wouldn't have to know how great what you're missing out on really is.
a couple of days ago i was talking to my roommate andie and she asked me why i was going to law school. she said that in the eight months we've lived together she's never heard me give anyone a straight, solid answer to that question. i gave her the best explanation i could muster, but it wasn't really a reason. there wasn't any description of how i wanted to be or do anything specific, or how this decision will get me there. not that i haven't had moments when i've been excited, or felt like it was the right thing to do. but more and more it seems like i'm just trying to hang on to the memory of those moments and trying to reassure myself that i'm not making the most haphazard, desperate, and costly mistake of my life.
but, as i've been told, i'm tough as nails; so when it comes right down to it, i'm sure i can make myself do what i have to, even if i don't want to. i'll hand over the keys to the aston martin, and walk to the bus stop. so, in about 23 hours, 4/15/07 at 11:30 pacific time, i'll finally be pushing that little button to sign my life away. law school, here i come. in about three years i'll be ready to start my profession as the worst-paid non-practicing lawyer who ever joined up to work at a non-profit org and tried to make america a better place, sacrificing what she wanted for what she ought to do. not that it's a sacrifice when you couldn't ever have it to begin with... i'll stop trying to make something out of nothing and take what i can get. but that doesn't mean i have to want it... which is good since i don't...
or maybe i'll just run away to vegas to be a lounge singer...if such a thing even still exists... i know a lot of old showtunes...
i've recently been forced to deal with some realizations about myself. even when i manage to figure out what it is that i want, i seldom just go do it or go out and get it. i think about it, and weigh my options, and (over-)analyze the situation until i'm convinced that it's impossibly out of reach, and then i give up. the other day i had a sample of something i really wanted, and almost forgot that i already knew i couldn't really have it. like test-driving a car that costs more money than you'll earn in a lifetime. you know you can never have it, but just sitting there, being there, smelling it, feeling the accelleration and pretending it's yours just for a few minutes, just so you'll know what it's like. and then you have to take it back and hand over the keys, and walk away. you'll always have the experience to look back on, but sometimes wonder if it would have been better to leave well enough alone, so that you wouldn't have to know how great what you're missing out on really is.
a couple of days ago i was talking to my roommate andie and she asked me why i was going to law school. she said that in the eight months we've lived together she's never heard me give anyone a straight, solid answer to that question. i gave her the best explanation i could muster, but it wasn't really a reason. there wasn't any description of how i wanted to be or do anything specific, or how this decision will get me there. not that i haven't had moments when i've been excited, or felt like it was the right thing to do. but more and more it seems like i'm just trying to hang on to the memory of those moments and trying to reassure myself that i'm not making the most haphazard, desperate, and costly mistake of my life.
but, as i've been told, i'm tough as nails; so when it comes right down to it, i'm sure i can make myself do what i have to, even if i don't want to. i'll hand over the keys to the aston martin, and walk to the bus stop. so, in about 23 hours, 4/15/07 at 11:30 pacific time, i'll finally be pushing that little button to sign my life away. law school, here i come. in about three years i'll be ready to start my profession as the worst-paid non-practicing lawyer who ever joined up to work at a non-profit org and tried to make america a better place, sacrificing what she wanted for what she ought to do. not that it's a sacrifice when you couldn't ever have it to begin with... i'll stop trying to make something out of nothing and take what i can get. but that doesn't mean i have to want it... which is good since i don't...
or maybe i'll just run away to vegas to be a lounge singer...if such a thing even still exists... i know a lot of old showtunes...
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
law school
so, i've been hesitant about "going public" with such a big decision before i really know what's going on, but this is just too crazy...
yesterday i was talking to my parents on the phone, and explaining to them, as i have to some of you, that i was leaning toward gonzaga. they're a good school and had offered me a decent scholarship. not as big as some other schools, but my grandma (who lives in spokane) offered me free room and board, and that tipped the scales a bit...literally. my parents, knowing that originally byu had been my first choice, asked me if i'd heard anything. i hadn't and went on to explain (again) that since i hadn't planned on grad school my grades aren't as stellar as they could have been, and since i decided on law school a bit last-minute i didn't really study for the lsat, and as such only had maybe a 10% chance of getting in since byu is so competitive; so i'd kind of ruled that out. i figured that the only reason they hadn't already rejected me was that maybe they'd end up waitlisting me. most schools have their decisions out by now, so i told my parents that, barring any sudden changes in the situation, the plan was to go with gonzaga. so, of course, as soon as i say this, there's a sudden change in the situation...
tonight i came home and, before going to bed, had this feeling that i ought to check my email. nothing. then, on a whim, i decided to take a peek at my junk-mail box before emptying it. and, coincidently, amongst all the junk there was an email sent today from dean hernandez of the BYU law school informing me that i indeed had been "waitlisted". is this some type of sign? i don't know... do i even want to stay in provo after all? i don't know... do i want to give up my plan of being the smartest kid at the dumb school so i can be the dumbest kid at the smart school? i don't know... all i do know is that life is crazy, and it seems that every time i have my mind practically made up, something like this happens that forces me to re-evaluate everything. not that i even have a say in the situation. for all i know i'm last on the list and it won't make a difference...
yesterday i was talking to my parents on the phone, and explaining to them, as i have to some of you, that i was leaning toward gonzaga. they're a good school and had offered me a decent scholarship. not as big as some other schools, but my grandma (who lives in spokane) offered me free room and board, and that tipped the scales a bit...literally. my parents, knowing that originally byu had been my first choice, asked me if i'd heard anything. i hadn't and went on to explain (again) that since i hadn't planned on grad school my grades aren't as stellar as they could have been, and since i decided on law school a bit last-minute i didn't really study for the lsat, and as such only had maybe a 10% chance of getting in since byu is so competitive; so i'd kind of ruled that out. i figured that the only reason they hadn't already rejected me was that maybe they'd end up waitlisting me. most schools have their decisions out by now, so i told my parents that, barring any sudden changes in the situation, the plan was to go with gonzaga. so, of course, as soon as i say this, there's a sudden change in the situation...
tonight i came home and, before going to bed, had this feeling that i ought to check my email. nothing. then, on a whim, i decided to take a peek at my junk-mail box before emptying it. and, coincidently, amongst all the junk there was an email sent today from dean hernandez of the BYU law school informing me that i indeed had been "waitlisted". is this some type of sign? i don't know... do i even want to stay in provo after all? i don't know... do i want to give up my plan of being the smartest kid at the dumb school so i can be the dumbest kid at the smart school? i don't know... all i do know is that life is crazy, and it seems that every time i have my mind practically made up, something like this happens that forces me to re-evaluate everything. not that i even have a say in the situation. for all i know i'm last on the list and it won't make a difference...
Monday, March 26, 2007
totaled
insurance guy called today. our car is in fact being deemed "totaled". we've only had it a year and are still making payments, so hopefully we'll get enough money to pay it off. it would suck to make payments on a car you don't even have. double sucks for me b/c when nickie gets married (two months from today) then it was going to be mine to take to law school. now, not so much... but, we drove over to get the rest of our stuff before they smash it up, or part it out, or whatever.
a letter to a boy
3/7/07 - you think you're just a boy, but you aren't. i didn't know that at first. you may have been able to pretend to be a jerk sometimes, and you could have done it to me, but you didn't. thank you. i talked about a lot of stupid things last night, and you probably knew that none of it was what i really wanted to say, but i just didn't know how to tell you; but all the other things i said, that was just a way to try and tell you how special i think you are, but how afraid i am. and to ask you be careful with me, because you're stronger than you think, and i'm not as strong as i pretend to be. in case i never get the chance, or never take the chance, consider this my declaration.
3/26/07 - you never said the words, but i got the picture i guess. i guess i knew that it would eventually happen. always does. but you're not a jerk. i don't hate you. i will never hate you. i've told you that so many times, and i know you don't believe me, but i have to say it. i told you never to talk to me again. not because it's what i want, but it's because that's what you wanted, and i guess maybe you were right. maybe it's for the best, but, oh, it hurts so much. still, i have to thank you properly for the weeks that you gave me. things to look forward to and things to smile about, and things that made me so excited and distracted that i made a complete fool of myself... and hope that maybe someday i can have that for real. you didn't trick me; you let me see the real you, and it's beautiful.
i vowed i wouldn't let you know if i was hurt because i wanted to prove to you that you weren't a jerk and show you how wonderful you really are. but i failed, i failed miserably, and now you feel like a jerk again, and i hate that. i hate that i did that to you. i'm so sorry that i let this happen. i know you've been hurt so badly in the past and i wish more than anything that i could've been the one who you wanted, because i knew that i'd be good to you, and that i'd never hurt you because more than anything else i wanted you to be happy. please, please, if you ever think of me, remember that i care about you and will never hate you, no matter what you do, or how much you think you want me to. you have so much goodness and sweetness inside of you. and please, oh, please, don't remember me as just another reason why you're a jerk. those things that you dislike about your life, those aren't the real you. those are just the errors that you haven't worked out of the code yet; don't be scared to change them. you really are special and you deserve the best. don't be afraid to go out and get it. i'll keep praying that you do.
♥bridgotte
3/26/07 - you never said the words, but i got the picture i guess. i guess i knew that it would eventually happen. always does. but you're not a jerk. i don't hate you. i will never hate you. i've told you that so many times, and i know you don't believe me, but i have to say it. i told you never to talk to me again. not because it's what i want, but it's because that's what you wanted, and i guess maybe you were right. maybe it's for the best, but, oh, it hurts so much. still, i have to thank you properly for the weeks that you gave me. things to look forward to and things to smile about, and things that made me so excited and distracted that i made a complete fool of myself... and hope that maybe someday i can have that for real. you didn't trick me; you let me see the real you, and it's beautiful.
i vowed i wouldn't let you know if i was hurt because i wanted to prove to you that you weren't a jerk and show you how wonderful you really are. but i failed, i failed miserably, and now you feel like a jerk again, and i hate that. i hate that i did that to you. i'm so sorry that i let this happen. i know you've been hurt so badly in the past and i wish more than anything that i could've been the one who you wanted, because i knew that i'd be good to you, and that i'd never hurt you because more than anything else i wanted you to be happy. please, please, if you ever think of me, remember that i care about you and will never hate you, no matter what you do, or how much you think you want me to. you have so much goodness and sweetness inside of you. and please, oh, please, don't remember me as just another reason why you're a jerk. those things that you dislike about your life, those aren't the real you. those are just the errors that you haven't worked out of the code yet; don't be scared to change them. you really are special and you deserve the best. don't be afraid to go out and get it. i'll keep praying that you do.
♥bridgotte
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