"i'd rather push a chevy than drive a ford"

- that's from a sticker i saw on the window of an old-beat-down chevy truck. reminds me of home. TGIF! there were a variety of things that made me really happy today, including that sticker, the fact that it is the weekend, the yummy food at JRCLS, the fact that i was thinking about a friend who surprisingly called me only an hour later (which is crazy since we've only talked once in the past six months or so...maybe he has "espn"...haha...), and WATCHING THE NEW EPISODE OF THE OFFICE!! i don't get any tv stations at home, so i downloaded it this afternoon, and watched it after i got most of my studying done and dang it made me laugh! HA! here are some of my favorite highlights:

1. meredith on the front of michael's car
2. the look on jim's face when pam says what she was buying on the internet
3. jim dumping karen = empty desk
4. kevin: "are you kidding me?!" = oscar: "there is no evidence of intimacy. they've been in remarkably good moods."
5. michael making it seem like he saved meredith, when he was the one who hit her...and making it sound like she wasn't going to make it..."pelvical"
6. speed bump on the highway...
7. dwight: "it's only meredith"..."did she spurn your advances?"
8. "so who is the real boss? the dog or a fish?"
9. i don't think you understand how jeopardy works... oh, right, i'm sorry, what is: we're fine.
10. everybody inside the car was fine, stanley
11. so sue me...no, don't sue me...
12. tying balloons to iv
13. you are not forgiven = climb on my hospital bed? aah!
14. "monkey": "when you saw her how was she looking?" D: "really dead. like just a dead cat."
15. it is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit meredith with my car
16. i'm not superstitious, but i am a little bit stitious
17. blink once if you want me to pull the plug
18. if there was a god then ryan and i would be married by now
19. maybe there's some sort of animal that we could make a sacrifice to
20. like pb&j
21. sneaky! hahahaha! yessss!!!!!
22. michael scott's dunder mifflin scranton meredith palmer memorial celebrity rabies awareness fun run pro-am race for the cure
23. bracelet: "support the rabid"
24. rabies quilt
25. back in olden times a large fat person like this...
26. i'm petrified of nipple-chafing
27. but all of my bags of frozen french fries were clawed to shreds
28. i'm not depressed [whack] i'm in grief
29. and also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor. what about a rabies nurse?
30. have you met that kid?
31. what are you doing?! you said come in!
32. dangling participle
33. i do not recommend this strategy. try imagining them with more clothes on, or a funny coat
34. i don't know what your deal is, but he's mine
35. [picture of meredith] that should scare you. it scares me.
36. taxidermist
37. michael puking...
38. andy's bloody shirt... wow...
39... who cares... #40 PAM&JIM!!! yes!!!

i want my daddy...

for the first time in my life, i want a priesthood blessing and i feel like i don't have anyone to call. if i've been assigned home teachers, i don't know who they are. even when, during the transience of student wards in provo, i've been home-teacher-less, i've always had friends i could call... but not anymore. i've been lucky to have a great dad, and great friends in provo. but that doesn't help me much right now...

getting angry...

i don't very often...get angry, that is...a friend told me it's because i take too much responsibility for things. instead of being offended when people treat me badly, i assume that it's because of something that i've done, so instead of getting angry at the other person, i just feel hurt and upset at myself. but what do i do about that? getting angry isn't the right thing to do either. i suppose i just shouldn't take things so personally and/or seriously that i get hurt, but that doesn't seem possible either...it's my life! why shouldn't i take it personally and seriously? and getting angry won't change how i feel, only the way i express it. i dunno. maybe if i got angry instead of being hurt and sad then the people who are affecting me would realize it and take me seriously and quit treating me like that. or maybe i'd just be in fights with people all the time. who wants to be friends with someone who's mad all the time? probably no one. but it doesn't seem that anyone wants to be friends with a depressed girl either. sigh... so, back to the fake cheerfulness again... that's life i guess...

question...

sigh...i just deleted over 2/3 of my messenger contacts. i never talk to them so i figured, what's the point? i think i need to do the same on my phone. why do i have all these numbers of people i never call? so i'll recognize the number if they call me i guess, but how often does that happen? not very... but this leads me to a bigger question... what is the difference between a friend who you never talk to, and a person with whom you are no longer friends? i've been in WA going to law school for six weeks now, and inevitably this has changed my social interactions in a variety of ways. but even when i was still in provo i recognized the fact that sometimes people just sort of drift away. someone moves, or gets married, and suddenly someone who was once a part of your daily life isn't anymore. you meet new people, and life goes on. social circles shift and change, and that's a part of life. but for me this has always been sad, and sometimes really hard to deal with. doing this deleting is hard because it's like admitting that i'm not friends with them anymore. a couple of people i've met here who are now my friends on facebook have commented to me about how i have so many facebook friends...about 350 or something now, and that it's amazing because 99% of them are people i know in real life. *sigh* but very few of them are people i'm actually in contact with, even just on facebook. i'm trying really hard to not feel lonely, and remember that i have friends, but when the list of lost friends seems so much longer then the list of people who are actually in my life it makes me really sad. i know...life is busy...i don't have time for everyone anyway...i guess i just wish that i felt like it bothered any of them as much as it bothers me...

haha - NOT FUNNY!

so, went to my normal study area at school. i like it. there's usually nobody around so it's quiet. been studying here pretty much every day for the past month. but today there was an invader, and not the normal kind. sometimes someone else will be around, quietly studying, or stop and chat after class, or something...but this girl is killing me. not only does she have a squeaky-scratchy-whiney annoying voice, she then randomly breaks out in obnoxious laughter at whatever is being said to her on IM... ugh... sick.

confusion

life is strange. i know, i'm a master at stating the obvious. seriously, though, i just really don't understand anything. i moved a month ago, and i'm starting to get into a routine, but it seems kind of solitary... i used to have good friends to lean on, and i probably leaned on them too much; i've lost at least one of them for good and the suddenness of it has made it harder.

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

i'm trying to build a new life, but i feel like i can't fill in the void quickly enough, and it's left me just feeling really confused, and vulnerable. i can see myself jumping into things too quickly, and i'm a little afraid of where that might take me...

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

engaged

(did you think i meant me? haha! yeah right...)

my old roommate recently got engaged...which was a bit of a surprise since they haven't been dating that long and i've never even met the guy!

but also, another friend too! of course, i heard he was "secretly" engaged a while back, so i was just sort of waiting for it to happen...we don't really talk much anymore...

dang...good ol' provo...

quitter

i quit listening to music except when i'm in the car. this is weird. but it helps with the emotional-numbness that i need lately so i can study.

somtimes i ask myself what the freak i think i'm doing going to law school... but i'm no quitter...

but maybe that would be good sometimes... like, being able to stop caring about things you can't control... caring about people is good most of the time, but sometimes it just makes life hard...

people who smoke though, they should definitely try harder to build quitter skillz.

(fill in the blank) pt. 2: "waz up"

sometimes you can be really upset and sad and frustrated, and life just sucks in all kinds of ways... and then *ding*...six little characters (counting the space of course)...and you know that somebody's listening to your prayers...and even though the sad things are still there, you can't help but smile...

(fill in the blank)

the person i want to talk to is apparently unavailable. the person i want to leave me along is hounding me. why is this? i am feeling a little confused. i hurt. and i am really really tired.