"i'm still in danger of some drama-trauma relapses, and possible sudden cry-bouts and massive self-esteem deficits"
yeah...
i hate being alone, and at night i always am...i talked to my friend calvin on the phone for about an hour, and then chatted with ryan again for maybe 30 min... sigh... but i find that i can't keep myself focused on much lately.
for some reason i never do well with the whole "closure" thing. that saying about God closing a door and opening a window might sound nice, but i find that i'm the kind of person who has a tendency to lay in front of the door wailing and pounding for an excessive period of time. how childish...
my first year of law school is turning out to be the most difficult and traumatic of my life, and it really didn't have anything to do with my classes. still, i'm seriously questioning the wisdom of this life path. how can i do well in school when i'm too upset about everything else to care? i'd rather sit here and write stupid, depressing analogies than do my homework, and i've spent my whole life doing homework. yeah. that's a bad sign. that's what DeeDee would call "the done sign" and i don't have an escape window to crawl out of if that happens.
but i went running tonight too. i'm proud of that. well, jogging. the asthma usually sets in pretty well after the first few minutes so even that leaves me pretty light-headed by the time i get home. i'm glad the snow finally melted. i need some workable goals to help me feel less lost and empty.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
the morning after...
...a night of major life-altering drama is always interesting. you wake up with a bit of a headache, and realize that maybe a new world isn't so scary after all.
i took sam to the airport. that was a bummer, but i am soooo thankful that she was here this week. it was so much fun being here with her, and she really helped me remember who i am and go do some things that i needed to do. it will be hard to deal with the aftermath without her, but i'm a grownup, right?
went to jamba this morning. got the favorite pink star: no soy sub low-cal base no sorbet light froyo sub pine sub strawb extra strawb 2 cups...so delicious. and the chick wants me to work there...she even got my name and number. i could use some extra cash.
chatted with my mom on the phone a bit. that was good.
and here i am at school way in the AM. i need to catch up on the work i wasn't doing while i was playing with sammie. i haven't been at school this early since...um...orientation? haha!
sigh...i'm feeling pretty good right now. but i know i need to be careful, cuz the excited-slash-pissed-off thing can never really be sustained 24/7 and so i'm still in danger of some drama-trauma relapses, and possible sudden cry-bouts and massive self-esteem deficits.
but! today is the 40th day, and although i didn't meet the exact terms of my goal, i think i managed an acceptable alternative, consisting of (1) massive bridge-burning ceremony with some necessary but cruel honesty, and (2) some raft-building which should help sustain me until i find some good bridge-building materials. to be precise, i ended the lingering travis-issue, and i already have two dates set up with two different guys. bam. feeling...well...good? meh...as well as can be expected...and maybe even a little better
i took sam to the airport. that was a bummer, but i am soooo thankful that she was here this week. it was so much fun being here with her, and she really helped me remember who i am and go do some things that i needed to do. it will be hard to deal with the aftermath without her, but i'm a grownup, right?
went to jamba this morning. got the favorite pink star: no soy sub low-cal base no sorbet light froyo sub pine sub strawb extra strawb 2 cups...so delicious. and the chick wants me to work there...she even got my name and number. i could use some extra cash.
chatted with my mom on the phone a bit. that was good.
and here i am at school way in the AM. i need to catch up on the work i wasn't doing while i was playing with sammie. i haven't been at school this early since...um...orientation? haha!
sigh...i'm feeling pretty good right now. but i know i need to be careful, cuz the excited-slash-pissed-off thing can never really be sustained 24/7 and so i'm still in danger of some drama-trauma relapses, and possible sudden cry-bouts and massive self-esteem deficits.
but! today is the 40th day, and although i didn't meet the exact terms of my goal, i think i managed an acceptable alternative, consisting of (1) massive bridge-burning ceremony with some necessary but cruel honesty, and (2) some raft-building which should help sustain me until i find some good bridge-building materials. to be precise, i ended the lingering travis-issue, and i already have two dates set up with two different guys. bam. feeling...well...good? meh...as well as can be expected...and maybe even a little better
i don't do st. patrick's day, i'm welsh...
i was creating this analogy, and i realized that it's perfect, cuz now it's technically monday, so it's st. partick's day. here it is:
i thought i found a rainbow and i was trying to follow it to a pot of gold, and when i finally got to the end it was just a little handful of brown stuff covered in yellow foil. and then i went to take a bite and the brown stuff turned out to be dog crap instead of chocolate. because apparently it wasn't a rainbow at all. it was just a mirage. but neither exists anyway...just a trick of the light... and i was definitely blinded by it.
sigh...
realizing the truth...or rather, forcing yourself to stop running away from it... is strangely exhilarating... like skydiving. you'll never feel freer...you can scream to the sky everything that you've had pent up inside you, everything that's been whirling around in your mind and heart, both of which were long since broken; because you know it's the end and in a second you'll hit the bottom and it will all be over. because, unfortunately, sometimes the screaming was just because you realized that the person who was supposed to be loving and protecting you had actually handed you an empty backpack without a parachute, and the truth you're finally facing turns out to be the realization of all your worst nightmares, and when you wake up you aren't dead and instead of just the pain of a broken mind and heart, you have a broken body too.
and your friends tell you you're brave and you agree and say how happy you are to have it over with, and how great it felt to jump and be free. sadly, that plane and that person were your world and now you're lying in a field somewhere you don't even recognize, not knowing which way to go, and wondering if it even matters. but you have a vague hope that somewhere out there is someone else who can make your life worth living, so you just have to get up and keep walking around on your broken legs, holding your broken head with your broken hands, and the bloody trail left by your broken heart leaves you wondering how long you can possibly make it alone...
sofia says i'm melodramatic... and she's obviously right. but hey, that's me. it's funny how a person can tell you, even as he's pushing you out of his plane, that you need to be yourself. and how come they let you get in the plane in the first place? that's a dirty rotten trick. if you aren't interested in running the whole marathon, you should enter a shorter race, and if you realize you can't finish whichever one you started, then don't pretend that you're training to try again unless you mean it. nobody likes a quitter, but don't pretend to stop and take a breather and send your running buddy ahead if you're just going to try and sneak away. at least be man enough to call yourself a crappy quitter and send your buddy home too instead of letting them waste time and effort on someone who obviously wasn't worth it to begin with.
thinly veiled i know.
i have a headache.
i think it's the same headache i've had for the past four months.
the ones that originate in my heart never seem to fade as quickly as i'd like.
i thought i found a rainbow and i was trying to follow it to a pot of gold, and when i finally got to the end it was just a little handful of brown stuff covered in yellow foil. and then i went to take a bite and the brown stuff turned out to be dog crap instead of chocolate. because apparently it wasn't a rainbow at all. it was just a mirage. but neither exists anyway...just a trick of the light... and i was definitely blinded by it.
sigh...
realizing the truth...or rather, forcing yourself to stop running away from it... is strangely exhilarating... like skydiving. you'll never feel freer...you can scream to the sky everything that you've had pent up inside you, everything that's been whirling around in your mind and heart, both of which were long since broken; because you know it's the end and in a second you'll hit the bottom and it will all be over. because, unfortunately, sometimes the screaming was just because you realized that the person who was supposed to be loving and protecting you had actually handed you an empty backpack without a parachute, and the truth you're finally facing turns out to be the realization of all your worst nightmares, and when you wake up you aren't dead and instead of just the pain of a broken mind and heart, you have a broken body too.
and your friends tell you you're brave and you agree and say how happy you are to have it over with, and how great it felt to jump and be free. sadly, that plane and that person were your world and now you're lying in a field somewhere you don't even recognize, not knowing which way to go, and wondering if it even matters. but you have a vague hope that somewhere out there is someone else who can make your life worth living, so you just have to get up and keep walking around on your broken legs, holding your broken head with your broken hands, and the bloody trail left by your broken heart leaves you wondering how long you can possibly make it alone...
sofia says i'm melodramatic... and she's obviously right. but hey, that's me. it's funny how a person can tell you, even as he's pushing you out of his plane, that you need to be yourself. and how come they let you get in the plane in the first place? that's a dirty rotten trick. if you aren't interested in running the whole marathon, you should enter a shorter race, and if you realize you can't finish whichever one you started, then don't pretend that you're training to try again unless you mean it. nobody likes a quitter, but don't pretend to stop and take a breather and send your running buddy ahead if you're just going to try and sneak away. at least be man enough to call yourself a crappy quitter and send your buddy home too instead of letting them waste time and effort on someone who obviously wasn't worth it to begin with.
thinly veiled i know.
i have a headache.
i think it's the same headache i've had for the past four months.
the ones that originate in my heart never seem to fade as quickly as i'd like.
Monday, March 10, 2008
manic monday
it happens to be monday, but every day is manic around my aunt mary. she was being ridiculous on saturday night so i ran away to stay with some friends for a couple days, but i ventured back tonight, and as soon as i walked in the door i wished that i hadn't. she's worse than before, although not as bad as i've seen her. she's got about three sewing projects going, some painting, watching a movie starring steven seagal (her supposed husband...ha!), designing me a suit (please, God, don't let her get anywhere near my clothes), looking for jobs online (but she can't even set up her own email address?), and decided that she should cook everything in the refrigerator. when i walked in she was on the phone with the mother of her son's girlfriend. she told her she was trying to get in touch with him, and that she'd been leaving him three messages a day and was just wondering where he was as he hadn't called back yet. i don't blame him. she called me at least five times yesterday and i didn't call back either. i'm glad i'm not her kid. she tells everyone i am, but i'm glad that i'm not really. now i'm going to hide in my room and pretend to be asleep and maybe she'll leave me alone. i hope. ugh...and i hope she really isn't expecting me to drive her around tomorrow. hopefully i can sneak out when she goes to sleep...if she goes to sleep...she might not...dang it... this is like working in an asylum, but i don't even get paid, and i can't go home at night because this is where i live!
Friday, March 7, 2008
if you keep believing then i'll keep on being
you write the lie you'd like to be
when your life's a book you wouldn't read
i've been happier lately. i'm finally starting to feel like my life is worth living again...today when class was out i was so excited that it's spring break and i have some time to finally get things together and sort things out...clean out my room, and my car...my mind and my heart... but sometimes i feel like i'm just fooling myself. it's hard not to give up on now and try to live for the future, but i think that's what i usually do, and the problem with that is that whatever it is i'm waiting for never seems to come. so i try to be happy with now, and sometimes it's okay, but other times it's just hard.
can you tell why my intentions always wind up near misses...
there's the promise and the shell of great beginnings seldom finished
my friend was all upset because this guy she kind of dated just got engaged, and so i was going to go over and cheer her up, but then this guy that she's been hanging out with was going to come over, so she didn't need me anymore. i tried to call some other people and find something to do, but it didn't really work, and so here i am at home alone again. i don't mind being alone. i don't mind when people have other things to do. i'm not so egotistical as to think that i'm everyone's best friend and first priority. but i do feel like crap when people who i think are my friends ignore me on purpose and can't even bother to tell me they have better things to do. that hurts. i hurt.
there's citrus groves where no one knows the fruit of truth from evil
and a long walk on a short pier means nothing more than swimming here
there's an end but we don't get to choose. we can only lose.
if i cried a river just for you
would you swim in it some sunny afternoon?
oh well. tomorrow's another day, right?
when your life's a book you wouldn't read
i've been happier lately. i'm finally starting to feel like my life is worth living again...today when class was out i was so excited that it's spring break and i have some time to finally get things together and sort things out...clean out my room, and my car...my mind and my heart... but sometimes i feel like i'm just fooling myself. it's hard not to give up on now and try to live for the future, but i think that's what i usually do, and the problem with that is that whatever it is i'm waiting for never seems to come. so i try to be happy with now, and sometimes it's okay, but other times it's just hard.
can you tell why my intentions always wind up near misses...
there's the promise and the shell of great beginnings seldom finished
my friend was all upset because this guy she kind of dated just got engaged, and so i was going to go over and cheer her up, but then this guy that she's been hanging out with was going to come over, so she didn't need me anymore. i tried to call some other people and find something to do, but it didn't really work, and so here i am at home alone again. i don't mind being alone. i don't mind when people have other things to do. i'm not so egotistical as to think that i'm everyone's best friend and first priority. but i do feel like crap when people who i think are my friends ignore me on purpose and can't even bother to tell me they have better things to do. that hurts. i hurt.
there's citrus groves where no one knows the fruit of truth from evil
and a long walk on a short pier means nothing more than swimming here
there's an end but we don't get to choose. we can only lose.
if i cried a river just for you
would you swim in it some sunny afternoon?
oh well. tomorrow's another day, right?
Monday, March 3, 2008
new blog
i decided that i should share some of my reading notes...or, rather, that i'd find a place for things that i like, but that don't really belong in my notes... basically a place for some of my favorite quotes from the cases i read for school...i'm starting out with one that i think is kind of funny, but hopefully i'll find some important and inspiring stuff to share too.
anyway, here it is: legalese, and yes, the address is a horrible pun, but hey, what would law school, or life, be without some dumb jokes, right?
anyway, here it is: legalese, and yes, the address is a horrible pun, but hey, what would law school, or life, be without some dumb jokes, right?
defrag
i'm cleaning and defragmenting my HD, which i realize is kind of the theme of my life right now. midterms kind of got me freaking out last week, but i think it was okay because i used it as motivation to be productive rather than...well, sleeping 16 hours a day to escape the pressures of life or something...haha
really though, i managed to get (and so far, stay) more ahead of my daily homework than normal, and i'm starting to get to sleep a bit earlier, and wake up a bit earlier, and i even got up and paid some bills and stuff before school today and wasn't rushing around to make it to school like usual. and a few days ago i found this desktop calendar that i'm really liking and i feel like my life is starting to get more organized. for a long time school and my attempts at a social life have been vying for predominance in my life, basically at the expense of most any and everything else. but, that's going to change...or at least, i'm trying to make some progress toward actually doing all those things that i'm constantly making mental notes about but never actually following through, mainly just cleaning out my car and my room...now if only it weren't all yucky and rainy outside...maybe i'll do the room tonight, and save the car for another day... haha... procrastination is a hard habit to break, but hey! i don't have to do everything at once, right? as long as i'm moving in the right direction...
"[perfection] tomorrow, because today is almost over"...
really though, i managed to get (and so far, stay) more ahead of my daily homework than normal, and i'm starting to get to sleep a bit earlier, and wake up a bit earlier, and i even got up and paid some bills and stuff before school today and wasn't rushing around to make it to school like usual. and a few days ago i found this desktop calendar that i'm really liking and i feel like my life is starting to get more organized. for a long time school and my attempts at a social life have been vying for predominance in my life, basically at the expense of most any and everything else. but, that's going to change...or at least, i'm trying to make some progress toward actually doing all those things that i'm constantly making mental notes about but never actually following through, mainly just cleaning out my car and my room...now if only it weren't all yucky and rainy outside...maybe i'll do the room tonight, and save the car for another day... haha... procrastination is a hard habit to break, but hey! i don't have to do everything at once, right? as long as i'm moving in the right direction...
"[perfection] tomorrow, because today is almost over"...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)