dizzy up the girl

yesterday i wasn't feeling very well in the evening and took a nap in the middle of studying cuz my head hurt and i couldn't focus...sometimes when i don't sleep or eat enough i get really dizzy...my vision goes funny and it's like i'm in an earthquake, only not really...that's kind of how i feel now...i don't know why universities don't have "rest areas"...i know i would be a much more productive student if there were somewhere on campus that i could go and rest and take a nap or something. seriously...at least at byu they had "mothers" areas in the ladies rooms...after a while they started putting up signs about no napping in those, but dang...i logged a lot of hours between classes on various couches around campus. seriously, though, it seems like a healthier option than popping excedrins all the time...if i had more money i'd go get a massage or something...anyway, i told myself that i'm going to be in the library for 3 hours...if i could get the type to stay still on the page i'm sure it would be more well spent, but hey, gotta work with whatever you got, right?

hmm...side note...someone mentioned today that i'm sarcastic. i guess i knew that, so it didn't really surprise me...but i suppose i just didn't realize that other people notice; like, people that i don't know very well...hmm...

g'ma

check it! scroll about 1/2 down and the lady in the mickey mouse shirt is my g'ma:

http://www.semissourian.com/story/1296185.html

re: emergency school closure

"This email is being sent per authorization from Dean Martin. All Law School classes for Monday, January 28, 2008, have been canceled and the Law School itself will be closed. Please do not come in.

The Law School will also close today, Sunday, January 27, at 3:30 p.m.

For all who need to get out, please drive safely."

it's good that my whole weekend was so messed, that i didn't get this until i'd already hacked out my ice-encased car and driven all the way down there on monday afternoon, but i had to sit in my car and use the school wireless to read it.

FRIDAY:
quila was meeting me at my house, and then we were going to go down and sleep over at jaime's and go wedding shopping in the morning. i heard a car pull up and somebody opened the door, but instead of quila, it was my "crazy" bi-polar aunt mary. yeah, the one i tell stories about who dyed her hair green, tried to kidnap my sister once, and most recently has been on the run in california since she got in trouble for running over a cop's foot after she was involved in a police chase. yeah. so i was pretty...um...excited?...to see her at the door...she commenced her mile a minute yelling-crying-swearing tirade about things which largely are not real, and after calling my parents, and warning quila by text message, decided it was real lucky i wasn't planning on spending the night at home since g'ma was still in idaho, and being there alone with mary isn't a good idea. so i grabbed some pj's and anything of value that might not be safe at home with her, locked my room, and hi-tailed it outta there.

SATURDAY:
snowing. all day. went shopping. bought some cute jeans. quila tried on a wedding dress. we spent more time looking at lingerie though. travis called and invited us over to his place to watch a movie. tried to invite some boys but none of them could come. bummer. had to stop by my house to get clothes for church and other essentials that i'd forgotten in my haste the night before, since i wasn't staying there at night with mary and g'ma wasn't back yet. when i got there my uncle buster was there. *phew* he said that he'd make sure she was taken to the hospital, willingly or otherwise=cops. got out quick, went to travis's and had fun, then over to sleep at jaime's again. nice to have somewhere to go, but no internet still.

SUNDAY:
still snowing. got three calls that church was cancelled. the whole stake actually. then travis called and said his other ex-girlfriend wanted to know if i would tutor her in english grammar (she's only lived in the states a couple years). mildly awkward, and his signal was bad and we were playing phone tag for a bit. i told him i would, but didn't know if i could, or what i'd teach her. he said not to worry about it. and then texted saying sorry for asking and that she hopes there aren't any hard feelings between you two. of course there aren't. i barely know her, and haven't i always tried to be nice? he didn't say anything back. why do i always end up looking like the bad guy? mom called to say mary was safely back at the hospital, but i wasn't about to go home with two feet of snow on the roads when i live out in the boondocks, or getting to school in the morning would be awful. so, chilled at jaime's. jody made it home from oregon; only took 11 hours (instead of the normal 5-6). then we each got about 10 text messages and/or phone calls about pres. hinckley passing away. watched a random bollywood movie--who knew indian guys could be hot?

MONDAY
finally stopped snowing. but my car was encased. got the snow and ice off the windows, but didn't bother with the hood or roof cuz i didn't want to be late for school. managed to pull up in the parking lot 2 minutes before class started. no one else was here though. pulled out the laptop and saw the fun email. would have been nice to know that, but i couldn't get a signal on the wireless, or even the medianet on my phone to connect all weekend. oh look, professor morrissey just pulled up next to me. he's 40 minutes late for class. haha. well, i guess i'll go home and study. got a couple free hours now.

my birthday is in a week, so i really hope that next weekend is a little better, cuz i don't know if i could handle this kind of drama two weeks in a row...

"virgin dream"

that was the theme song of the movie i just finished semi-watching. i say "semi-" because it was so obnoxious that i couldn't really give it my full attention. dumb song too...something about love being a game you can't win. blah. if i had to place it in a genre, i would say it was the movie version of a man's attempt at a romance novel -- stupid plot with horrible dialogue; depressing, anticlimactic and un-romantic ending; lots of blood and even more boobs. uh, yeah...yay for the 80s... why does my g-ma own this? has she watched it? weird. (http://imdb.com/title/tt0102640/)

on a completely unrelated topic, yet somehow fitting perfectly under this title: my friend shannon and i found that we agree on yet another important viewpoint - if we were catholic we'd give up and join a convent, because if we're cursed to live single and therefore celibate (due to our religious beliefs) we may as well have a greater cause or commitment to it -- it might be easier if we felt like we had chosen it for some higher purpose, rather than just the fact that we can't get a guy to marry us.
sigh...but i'm not catholic, so i guess i'm just going to have to get married...

ex-man

i was driving to a fireside tonight and i decided that if i could pick a super-power it would be to be able to sense the emotions of the people around me.
i used to think that invisibility or telepathy would be the most useful, and if i were extra-super cool then i would happily add one or both of those to the mix, but to be able to feel would be the best. you'd know who needed your help and if you actually made some kind of difference. you'd know if when someone said they were "fine" or "just tired" if they really meant it, or if they were hiding some terrible hurt that they thought no one could understand. you could see through all the words and actions that people hide behind, all the sarcasm and jokes and half-truths. no more asking important questions and being sidestepped, because you wouldn't have to ask: "are we really friends," "am i wasting my/your time," or "do you mind if...that...when...how..." less misunderstanding, less wondering, less loose ends. i feel like my life has too many unanswered questions, but if i have to go on living without asking them or without having them properly answered, it would be so much easier if i could just feel a little bit more clearly...
or maybe it wouldn't matter...because how would i ever separate them from my own? maybe that's the whole problem...if i don't trust my own feelings, how much good would it be to understand anyone else's?
haha...once again, i've overridden my own answers with another pile of questions...

hillary

quote from g'ma: "i think she's a cold tomato...that's why her husband was messing around with other women...she's a cold, hard tomato."
haha! that was great.

old people are crazy

okay, not all of them, but sometimes i think my g'ma and her friends must be cuz she's always saying such crazy things. apparently her friend told her once, and she completely agrees, that the education they got coming out of 8th grade back in the day (like the 30s?) is as good or better than kids coming out of high school now. seriously? are you kidding me? all i said was, oh, well, grandma, did you take calculus and physics in 8th grade? cuz that's what i did in high school...
sigh...obviously there are problems with education...there are lots of problems in the world...but don't go telling me that it's so much worse now than it ever has been...problems might change, but they never go away...that's just life... oh well...maybe in 2050 i'll be saying the same stuff to my grandkids...ha!

but i don't know anybody...

old people can be so funny. in case you miss my crazy g-ma stories, here's a great one...

so, she was looking at her phone bill. first, i should point out that instead of having regular long distance she uses one of those 10-10-whatever numbers...so, she gets a separate bill, which shows each of her calls for the month, all, oh 6-8 of them...and she's looking at them, and insists that some of these numbers are to cities where she doesn't know anybody and she's going to call the company because she hasn't made those calls and something fishy is going on...
haha...yes, g-ma, the phone company wants to cheat you out of those 75 cents...
so, i tell her we should just look up the numbers and see who they are...yay for reverse lookup online...and of course they're all people who she knows and now remembers having called...except for this one number which she's called 3 times in the last 2 months, which is apparently in idaho and she doesn't know anybody or would have called anywhere there...and the number's unlisted, so i don't know who it is either...we look up and down g-ma's phone list and can't find it.
finally i get my cell phone and tell her that it's free cuz it's saturday, so just call it and see who it is, and *miracle*: "who is this" "it's mary" "mary my daughter?" yep...aunt mary...whose cell phone number is written randomly in the corner on the BACK of the list...yeah...haha...but aunt may sounds good, so that's cool...haha...i laughed. good times.
but, i bet if g-ma had called up the company and insisted that she didn't know who that call was to, they might have just given her the 75 cents. haha.

multiple choice: the arts of second-guessing and best-guessing

they say that on tests you should go with your first impression. i don't know who "they" are exactly, but you should listen because "they" are right.

going over my contracts exam today, which i was expecting to be one of my best and turned out to be by far my worst, i discovered that the one answer on my scantron sheet that clearly had an erased answer--the one i erased was the right one. and comparing with the grade distribution, i realized that if i hadn't changed my answer it would have been a whole grade step up. (like C+ to B-) grr.

also, i've heard that, when in doubt on multiple choice, guess "C". also true. if, on all the ones i got wrong, i had put "C", i would have been 3 grades higher... (like B- to A-) grr again.

so, never underestimate the importance of multiple choice.

i'm back!

in spokane, and school...

but most importantly, i'm feeling like my old happy self again. the past...gosh...almost two months now i guess...i've kind of been a mess...

i just learned something though - there is something really satisfying in the knowledge that you've overcome a trial. but, i don't mean the ability to wait it out or fix it: what i mean is that if you can find happiness even when you're still in the middle of the trial, somehow that kind of happiness is so much more fulfilling than being happy any other time. it's because you know that it's the kind of happiness that comes from faith and hope in God and not just because good things are happening to you. haha...i suppose the truth is that good things are always happening, and so are bad things, but when you learn to be happy in spite of all the things that are happening, even when the bad ones are still really bad, it sets you free from those things and events in a completely different way. hmm...am i making sense? haha...

but, i guess that's a lesson that you keep learning and re-learning all though life. i suppose each time the trial just gets harder, but then when you pull out of the muck and rise above it you've grown a little more...and i guess that's what life's about, huh? oh my...i wonder what other beautiful trials i have to look forward to...oh my! but i guess the blessings are better too...

anyway...i spent too much time chatting online tonight when i should have been studying more, but i'm feeling really great right now, and i just wanted to spread a little of that around... (especially since i've sort of been acting rather eyore-ish lately...little stormcloud over my head...so, i feel like i need to make up for it a bit)

anyway...time to continue the self-makeover with some yoga and scriptures! g'night!

resolute:

–adjective
1. firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion.
2. characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc.

i hadn't really thought that much about setting any new year's resolutions, until i talked to bismark today. generally, i think that a goal ought to be really specific and include a plan for how to accomplish it. but, the next few weeks could result in some drastic changes in my life and i have no idea how it's going to turn out, so i feel like i don't even know what i'd be making resolutions about. but, talking to bismark i realized that looking back at the past year and evaluating my progress is as important, if not more, than making plans for this next year.

so... recap of 2007:

mini theatre career: pirates of penzance, and hello dolly; tons of work, but a lot of fun and good memories too

moving to spokane: crazy! but i'm adjusting and i feel a lot more grown-up and independent and self confident...even if there is a certain amount of loneliness that comes with independence

first boyfriend: amazing and exciting, and so much better than i ever imagined

first breakup: horrific and depressing, and so much worse than i ever imagined

a semester in law school: worked my butt off, and learned more than i thought was possible in such a short amount of time

general life lessons: sometimes you can go into a situation with the best of intentions, and think that you're trying your hardest and doing the best that is humanly possible, but without the right perspective you can still end up making really stupid mistakes that cost you way more than you even thought was at stake. and then all you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try not to do it again, even though you know that most of the time you really have no idea what's going on and so you're still going to do plenty of stupid things in the future.

so... for now i've decided that this year i'm going to make one resolution...(and when i get some of the logistics of my life worked out then i'll set some more specific goals)

I resolve that I will try to focus more on what my Heavenly Father thinks about me, and less about what I think other people think about me.

i think that is a good place to start, don't you?

snowed out

got a good workout today shoveling snow. and of course the whole time it's still kind of snowing, and then as soon as i get my tired, sweaty self back inside it starts snowing again for real...but, at least dad could get the car out to go to the drug store... so, maybe i'll be getting another snow workout tomorrow morning too! haha

snowed in!

okay, not really...but we got like 10 inches last night and so i'm not in a big hurry to go anywhere. haha. the past few weeks it's never snowed more than a couple inches at a time, and usually never sticks more than a few days at a time, so this is the first serious snow since i've been here. guess it wasn't so bad that my social life died and i sat at home with the family last night, because then i didn't have to drive home in all that snow. instead i went crazy superpoking people on facebook...if you want we could play a little game of "one of these things is not like the other"...haha! whoever finds the one poke that was sent to only one person wins a prize! i'll take you to lunch or something. okay, fine, that's just a ploy to get someone to hang out with me...haha!