cheerful by day, tearful by night

"i'm still in danger of some drama-trauma relapses, and possible sudden cry-bouts and massive self-esteem deficits"

yeah...

i hate being alone, and at night i always am...i talked to my friend calvin on the phone for about an hour, and then chatted with ryan again for maybe 30 min... sigh... but i find that i can't keep myself focused on much lately.

for some reason i never do well with the whole "closure" thing. that saying about God closing a door and opening a window might sound nice, but i find that i'm the kind of person who has a tendency to lay in front of the door wailing and pounding for an excessive period of time. how childish...

my first year of law school is turning out to be the most difficult and traumatic of my life, and it really didn't have anything to do with my classes. still, i'm seriously questioning the wisdom of this life path. how can i do well in school when i'm too upset about everything else to care? i'd rather sit here and write stupid, depressing analogies than do my homework, and i've spent my whole life doing homework. yeah. that's a bad sign. that's what DeeDee would call "the done sign" and i don't have an escape window to crawl out of if that happens.

but i went running tonight too. i'm proud of that. well, jogging. the asthma usually sets in pretty well after the first few minutes so even that leaves me pretty light-headed by the time i get home. i'm glad the snow finally melted. i need some workable goals to help me feel less lost and empty.