self-sabotaging

"Last night I saw my world explode...
Well, I'm looking out at you obscured by the stand up arcade
And the sound of the descendents.
Your smile reminds me of switchblades and infidelity."

i'm currently fixated on the part of my life that i can't seem to fix...or change...i suppose the word "fix" seems to indicate that there's something inherently wrong, when that's probably just an issue of my own subjective perception of the situation... *sigh*

at any rate, this fixation is problematic not only because it's something that i have little or no control over nor even mere understanding of, but because it seems to overshadow the other areas of my life that i CAN control. i mean, i'm not completely psycho. i still lead a rather productive life... but if i cared more about other things that i CAN change and less about things that i can't then obviously my overall productivity would be increased because the things i feel motivated to do and the things i actually can do would match up.

hmm...maybe it's just one of those life challenges...the kind that exists exactly because it's a challenge. if everyone's desires and abilities matched up then life would be a lot easier, and they'd be able to do a lot more, but then maybe we'd all learn a lot less. i suppose i should look at "productivity" not just in terms of what i can accomplish outwardly by how i use my time and skills, but also in terms of the character growth that comes from doing things that you don't want to do and living without things that you want to have. i guess sometimes i forget that in the eternal scheme of things it's that kind of personal growth that's really important... i suppose that's just so abstract that it's hard to measure, if you can even see it in yourself at all.

life is strange and never seems to happen how you expect. i just wish i were better at remembering the pleasant surprises and not letting them get covered up by all the disappointments.

and i wish i understood other people better. a lot of my problems and frustrations seem to be a result of my misinterpretations of what other people do and say and how it relates to how they feel. a lot of times about me i guess. just goes to show how self-centered i am. my friend JD says i care too much about what other people think about me and that i constantly assume that they think bad things. i dunno. i feel like i'm just trying to be realistic and not assume or expect too much. but maybe that just ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy - low expectations sometimes yield low results i suppose. but that just goes back to the original problem: i misinterpret people. maybe because i'm assuming bad things, but maybe just because i really don't understand them...or even more frustrating - because people don't express themselves honestly because they're too worried about management of what others think of them. too complex for me to dissect when i'm tired and upset.

hmm...i was sort of arguing with my g'ma yesterday. i had a rough day. pretty much from the second i woke up i was freaking out and upset. i've been working so hard to be to church early for choir every sunday since i moved here months ago. and the week of the choir christmas program was the week i didn't wake up. *sigh* frustrating and yet not surprising. haha! i think that's how you know i'm in a bad mood. i'm not at all surprised when horrible things happen, and much more inclined to think that things that really aren't that bad are actually horrible things. anyway, so when i went home i was just really defensive and kept arguing with my g'ma, which i really try so hard not to do! i don't want to argue, but it's so hard! why does my g'ma side with other people in arguments against me?! why does she say things that aren't even true?! argh!! she was going off on my political beliefs and whatnot and things my mom said about me, but she doesn't even know what i think about stuff! because i never talk about it cuz she won't listen and just gets upset and i don't want to fight so i don't talk about it!! and then she picks the weirdest kid in my ward and starts talking to him about dating and thinks he's so great and starts agreeing with him about how "mormon girls expect too much from guys" with dating and stuff... blah, blah...and it made me so upset!! and how mormons encourage people to date and get married too young and too fast... she got married earlier than my mom or my sister, and i'm the one who's stayed single the longest! argh! i don't expect anything from stupid boys! i know it's a waste of time because i never get anything! geez! my g'ma's always giving me a hard time about my having been upset about the travis-breakup thing. she says i didn't even really know him and it doesn't make sense for me to have been so attached or make such a big deal of it. and i guess in a way she's right. her husband died when they were pretty young and she's been a widow for over 40 years. i know that wasn't easy. but at least she got to have him for a while and knew that he loved her and that he didn't leave her on purpose.
anyway...it's late and i'm digressing...

i have a final that starts in 5-1/2 hours and yet i'm still awake...
how's that for self-sabotage?