hello? are you there?

so, i haven't been writing much since i moved. i've thought about it a lot though. when i was first here i was just too busy getting set up. but then when things died down and i had the time... i dunno... i guess i've been feeling pretty alone so i just decided i should get to like it so i crawled into my little shell and haven't been saying anything.

but then i remembered that i used to write this for myself, just to say what i wanted when there was no one else to talk to, so what was stopping me?

*sigh*

okay, really, i've been trying really hard to be happy and fun and say that everything is great. so i didn't want to get on here and sound like miss whiney-pants like always. but it's true. i'm a fat little baby who is lonely and cries in the car on her way home from work because she hates knowing that she has nowhere to go except home by herself and that every day is going to be pretty much like the one before it.

it's not like i haven't put in effort to meet people. i go to every church activity there is, even though i usually don't even know where i'm going and feel like an idiot always showing up by myself. usually toward the end i stop feeling awkward and manage to have fun, but then people start disbursing and i just leave because i'm tired of trying to force conversations with strangers who have better things to do.

so here i am once again sitting at home on friday night planning to go to bed early because i have no actual plans...

but, lest i seem obnoxiously silly and ungrateful:
even though i'm lonely all the time, i'm glad i moved and i'm grateful for a lot of things and i know my life is pretty good. i have a car i like and it's in good shape, i have a nice place to live that doesn't really cost me that much, and i have a good job, that pays sufficiently if not exceptionally well and has a lot of security, benefits, and opportunities to grow into better things. in fact, my first paycheck today was better than i expected (cuz my withholding isn't as much as i thought it'd be) and i got another little surprise from the irs so i decided to check out one of the malls here and bought a really hot shirt. plus, my diet is still working, even though i'm hitting a bit of a plateau so it's going to take some increased effort, and i'm looking and feeling better than i have in a long time. so my hot shirt will look even hotter, if i ever find a place where i can wear it...

and, even though i don't have any friends to hang out with, i still have friends who occasionally email me or call, and a week ago i got a totally unexpected call from my favorite boy in the world! unfortunately i'm not his favorite girl in the world, but i was still happy, as dumb as that may be.

so, i'm lonely, but not entirely unhappy i guess, and even though it's been slow-going in terms of social life, i haven't entirely given up on the possibility of a less-lonely future...

yet...

random things from talking to calvin on the phone, which is the most exciting thing that i've done outside work all week...

"you wrote her back?"
"yeah! she could be a total hottie-pants!"
"or a total idiot"
"yeah, probably that too"

"i'm 6'4" but i can crouch down to the size of a small leprechaun. does that help?"

"yeah, she totally digs me"
"the fat girl?"
"yeah, and i shut her down. as nicely as i could"

"i just beat them up and got tons of free money, but then they put it in the bank so i was like, blah. done."

"WRONG!"
"it's my birth month! i know how to spell it!"
"okay, that works, it's the stupid little...i dunno, what the crap..."

"i can hear you typing. what are you saying?"
"haha. i am cracking myself up from writing all these weirdo girls. okay, this is the one drowning girl... ashley, if i was drowning and you didn't know me, would you jump in and save me? huh? would ya?...oh, that is gonna be funny. girls respond to me. i was telling this little girl the other day, the one who's crazy who may or may not be interested in me, about all these cute girls on campus, that i'm not scared of them, i'm scared of me cuz i know if i put the moves on them they wouldn't stand a chance, and she was giving me crap about, have you ever heard my guitar playing thing?...if a guy starts playing the guitar and singing, whatever, not even romantic, it causes a chemical imbalance in girls and they're like "oh, they're so great". anyway, i was telling her that and she was giving me crap, and i was asking these other girls, what's better, a guy who dances with you or a guy who plays the guitar and sings?...and she was asking these other girls, and i was like, shut up josie..."
"what did the other girls say"
"i dunno, i tuned out..."

"what the heck. i'm a huge fan of the social scene and love being out, but pajamas and flannel sheets rock my world. what is that?"

"i should write like 10,000 girls, just to be weird...copy...paste..."

"well, sometimes my mouth and my brain don't match up"

"my neck was getting really sore from trying to hold my phone with my earlobe"

"ah, schnaps"

"and...uh...big gulp"

"yeah, it makes me look dead sexy"

"i can add a smiley face to this message! should i send the little one with the heart on it?"
"yes"
"oh, look, so special. if i marry this girl, i can tell her i knew the very first time i talked to her... okay, next. find the next girl. ...daughter...oh, you're done. she's only 21! i like playing video games and listening to techno trance?... i love tall guys! oh, wait... yes! requirement is 6'4" to 6'10" i just squeaked in. compose... this is what i'm writing "hey! pick me! i'm tall. and kind of cute in the face. here is a picture. hope you like it! hooray for tall people." sounds like a 3rd grader, but oh well. just look she's gonna be 5'2" but whateva."

"am i slender or athletic?"
"i dunno...in between?"
"how about washboard, that sounds cool"
"i guess you're long and flat like a washboard, but i think that means you have a six pack."
"that's okay, we can let girls think that"

"languages spoken? they should have "body language""

"what's up gangsters! can i put that on here?"

"some midgets are cool. they get to make movies and stuff."