thanks matt, i don't need meds and therapy

cuz he just gave my my therapy. we had a nice little chat and i feel kind of better. as much better as talking and not actually fixing can be. if you do decide to drive the 600 mi from cali to come give me a hug, i can probably find you a free place to stay. :)

also, shout out to allen, who is sad when i leave him out. he sent me a very nice text to cheer me up. after my nyquil had already put me to sleep. it woke me up and was a bit disorienting, but still nice. even though i didn't really read it until this morning.

adam, i gave you a shout-out not that long ago, but you're talking to me right now too, so there you go...

so, yeah, i remember now that i have friends. i just need to reach out to them more often. i was thinking about that earlier. i need a sign somewhere to remind me that if i'm feeling lonely, it's my own silly fault, cuz there are tons of awesome people out there who want to be my friend. and they're dang smart, cuz i'm dang awesome.

yeah!

:)

i'm really pissed off right now and i can't think of anything else to do about it except write in this stupid blog

ugh. this weekend was frustrating. in fact this whole last week or so has been really upsetting. i've been feeling lonely and sad and i've been handling situations badly. and then instead of telling my friends that i'm having a hard time and asking for their help, i get upset that they can't see how hurt i am and how much i'm struggling and treat them badly and push them away by lashing out or isolating myself and then i'm just more sad and alone and end up feeling even worse than i did to start with. and now i'm so upset that if i swallowed my pride long enough to talk to somebody about what's going on i'd probably just end up freaking out on them and making it worse. if i could even think of someone to talk to...isn't that why i'm just writing this here and hoping someone will find it and decide to be that person? maybe i should have more faith in my friends... maybe i should just drink the rest of my nyquil and go to bed early... my throat hurts really bad right now...

whirlwind weekend

friday: (1) work. (2) met matt and got some food and wandered around the u district. found some cool stuff, including a random used bookstore with kitties! but matt was allergic so we sort of just walked in and back out...haha. sorry matt. :( (3) james bond. better than expected.

saturday: (1) service project at di. found a shirt i know i'll like it cuz i already have the same one in a different color, and it only cost me $1.74 including tax. i love good deals. (2) hanging out with ryan. i will refer you to his blog for the details, cuz i was frustrated with my bad tour-guide skills and so his telling of the day is much more reasonable. if you heard me tell it you'd think i'm a psycho and he's a jerk, but really we're just two friends who had a lot of fun hanging out since we live far away now and had plenty to catch up on.

sunday: (1) institute choir program in sacrament meeting. (2) institute choir program in sacrament meeting again. (3) institute choir program in sacrament meeting AGAIN. (4) ward choir. (5) smorgasbord. (6) fireside. (7) much needed chat w/ daniel.

i need a break from the weekend before i go back to work in the morning...haha!

blank page was all the rage...

never meant to say anything
in bed i was half dead
tired of dreaming of rest...

you were easy you are forgotten
you are the ways of my mistakes
i catch the rainfall
through the leaking roof
that you had left behind
you remind me of that leak in my soul...

i wish i was blank
i wish i could think...

i'd write a letter to you
and there'd be nothing to it
i wouldn't hem an haw
on just how to start it
i wish i was blank...

i wish i'd said things different
i wish i'd said nothing
things would be so perfect
i wish myself to keep
i pray my soul to sleep
i wish myself away
i wish i was blank...

say goodnight on a night like this
if it's the last thing you ever do
it goes dark, it goes darker still
please stay
but i watch you like i'm made of stone as you walk away...
can't stand here like this anymore...
i wanted to be perfect like before...
i want to change it all...

i know we're just like old friends
we just can't pretend that lovers make amends
we are the reasons so unreal
we can't help but feel that something has been lost...

so far i still know who i am
but i wonder who you were

sleep will not come to this tired body now
peace will not come to this lonely heart...

but sometimes a someone is so hard to find...

disarm you with a smile
and leave you like [you] left me here
to wither in denial
the bitterness of one who's left alone
the years burn...

a year ago i became an ex. saying it that way makes it sound like a beginning instead of an end. i hope it was. i had a whole blog pre-written for the occasion, but decided to leave it unposted. time for a new page. and new pages are always blank.

so i pull my collar up and face the world alone










































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;)

one more reason why it's awesome to be mormon...

because our church has a public affairs page on youtube... seriously. i just found it.

http://www.youtube.com/user/LDSPublicAffairs

check it out and then you'll know lots of other reasons why it's awesome to be mormon. yay!

Proposition 8

i was talking to my friend matt the other night about election results and he mentioned some things about prop. 8 in caifornia. he mentioned that they had temporarily closed the LA temple to keep protesters off the grounds, which really surprised me. honestly, i hadn't looked into it much. i've felt a little out of it lately, but i've seen so many of my friends posting things for/against it and especially the lds church's support of it on facebook that i just had to say something.

firstly, i found this which is the file copy (stamped by the AG's office and everything). while i was talking to matt i really wanted to know what the acutal language was. it is surprisingly short and simple. it is a state constitutional amendment and not a statute, which i know from my limited legal experience are much longer. i was expecting something more complex in design, but was very refreshed to see how short and to the point it was.

secondly, i'd just like to say this: all individuals are equally free to be married. of course, that means to marry a person of the opposite gender. i suppose to some that sounds as though i'm being callous and unfeeling. i am not. my favorite cousin is gay. i had many friends in high school and college who were gay and i am one of the few girls i know who has kissed a gay guy (in a play, but still...). i am not a racist or a sexist or in other way prejudiced or homophobic or what-have-you. however, i think that it is important that people be reasonable and deal with the fact that you don't always get what you want, even when you personally may feel like it's not fair. often, i hear people comparing a gay persons "right" to marry someone of the same gender with other rights such as voting rights for women or minorities and the ending of segregation. once again, the right to marry is inherently different than these rights in that no group of individuals (except minors) is unequal in marriage rights. everyone has and equal right to get married. if they are unhappy with the fact that legal contracts in marriage require that the parties be of opposite genders then i understand that they are unhappy. but they are not being discriminated against. they have the opportunity to marry a person of the opposite gender, but they are unhappy that they cannot instead marry a person of the same gender. i am unhappy that everyone tells me that i am a legal midget and should get a handicapped parking sticker so they can use me to get better parking at busy events like concerts. that is completely unrelated but i felt like i was getting boring and saying the same thing over and over.

i mentioned before that i had a gay friend who i kissed in a play. i noticed today a very angry note he wrote on facebook about the lds church's support of prop. 8. a mutual friend then posted some well-researched comments with appropriate citations and i was very impressed. unfortunately i doubt others thought these very persuasive, but i very much enjoyed the matter-of-fact way that adam expressed himself. check it out here if the privacy settings will let you (not sure). adam, you rock! i am thankful for reasonable and intelligent people like you.

lastly, my friend ruben posted this link to an article on the subject by one of my all-time favorite authors. i HIGHLY recommend you check it out. i know that a lot of my friends support gay marriage, and i in no way wish to hurt or offend you, but i think that mr. card makes some very poignant and persuasive points and i think it's a great read that will possibly result in a great "think" as well... and also this one which is based on social and anthropological research and actually written by a liberal and published by the LA Times no less.

once again, i love gay people as much as i love everyone else on the planet, and God does too, but frankly that isn't the relevant issue here.

wish list

#1. to be married to a massage therapist

#2. to have a real bed to lay in...preferably with mr. massage therapist...

#3. real pillows to go on my real bed

#4. lots of hot chicken soup

#5. an electric blanket

#6. that i hadn't left my gloves in my desk at work

#7. more blankets

#8. and more chicken soup...in fact, at this point i'd be happy with some chicken-flavored ramen noodles

#9. another rice sock

#10. do you think it would help if i wished for the massage therapist husband again?

if not, i'd take a regular husband who would be willing to pretend he was a massage therapist...

no?

sigh.

okay.

y tengo sed

so many things have happened lately that i've said i was going to blog about, but then i was always too busy running around doing all those things to sit down and write about them. but, i'm finally going to sit and give some highlights, which will of course sound completely different than they would have if i'd done it right away (but i already ranted about that phenomenon enough a few posts ago).

but first, a shout-out to my gal pal partners in exciting but non-criminal activity: you girls are seriously one of the main things that give me the ability to get up in the morning and live my life every day. (that and all the child support cases that need me to work them...haha!) seriously, though, a lot of things have been happening that would have been really hard to deal with if it weren't for you girls, so thank you.

that being said, my girlfriends and i have recently been reminded over and over of the fact that we are not the type of girls that mormon boys are attracted to. we ourselves are mormon girls, but that isn't really the issue. so, we decided that we needed to get out and do some things that aren't church activities. in fact, apparently my mom told my grandma just yesterday that my parents are worried about me because i only hang out with kids from church and those boys don't like me and, well they are just worried. (once again, i already discussed this a few blogs back, ctrl+f "librarian") my uncle's family is catholic and apparently they are willing to hook me up with plenty of non-mormon boys. i told them that i went to a catholic school for a year and that didn't do me any good either, but, whatever...

anyway, we did go out and do some non-church-sponsored activities and we had a lot of fun and greatly increased our self-esteem... (however, the mormon boys have since continued to reject us so we definitely need to do it again). the only down-side was when the keys were locked in the trunk of the car with the purses and phones and we were stuck downtown on first ave just south of pioneer square at 2am when all the bars were closing and the drunks were out in the street. but, we made it out alive to tell the tale; hopefully there won't be another similar episode until it's a little warmer outside again.

also i went to a couple of parties the last few weeks, made some cool vampire teeth for halloween, and have been making some new friends, which is good. and, miraculous as it may seem, i managed to trick one of these new friends into a date. i was actually rather surprised that it worked, but also pretty glad about it because i only had about a week left until the 1-year anniversary of being dumped and it always feels horrible going a whole year without being asked on a date. so, thanks friend for helping a girl out.

sigh, so now i need to work on fixing my room which has become rather cluttered while i've been busy running around trying to be popular. it isn't that bad, just a pile of clothes and shoes and the pieces of some packages i need to send to my sisters, so easy stuff once i get around to doing it. plus, i got another bigger set of those plastic rolling-drawer-tower things when i went shopping at crazy aunt mary's old house yesterday, so i'm excited to reorganize some things.

ready, set, go!