impulsiveness

i just called someone who i vowed never to call. he didn't answer. i didn't expect him to. i did leave a message. that was really what i intended. he'll call me back. he generally calls me with pretty predictable regularity. which is why i never call him. that and i've been trying to seem less desperate in general and not call boys. not like it matters given his current situation. but i just felt like i wanted to. or like maybe i should. so i did. i wouldn't feel bad about it except that it seems like some type of sudden shift in...something. i've never called him out of the blue like that. i always return his calls and if we're texting and he says "hey just call me" then i do. but i've never just done it out of the blue like that and for some reason i'm not sure if it will turn out to have been a good move or not. he did tell me last time we talked that i should call more often because we haven't been talking as much lately, and i waited twice as long as the time period he suggested. i'm thinking that makes it okay. still. i feel like i've given up the one little bit of control over the situation that i'd been holding on to. oh well. it really doesn't matter anyway. if it did, i wouldn't be able to explain it all in such small sentence fragments.

i don't know why you say goodbye i say hello

on a lighter note, i cleaned today. i was cleaning at my friends' house the other day and it felt nice so when i actually found some free time at home i decided to clean up. luckily my place is even cleaner when it's dirty than my friends' house is when it's clean so it wasn't that bad, and actually rather satisfying.

you say why and i say i don't know