hello? are you there?

so, i haven't been writing much since i moved. i've thought about it a lot though. when i was first here i was just too busy getting set up. but then when things died down and i had the time... i dunno... i guess i've been feeling pretty alone so i just decided i should get to like it so i crawled into my little shell and haven't been saying anything.

but then i remembered that i used to write this for myself, just to say what i wanted when there was no one else to talk to, so what was stopping me?

*sigh*

okay, really, i've been trying really hard to be happy and fun and say that everything is great. so i didn't want to get on here and sound like miss whiney-pants like always. but it's true. i'm a fat little baby who is lonely and cries in the car on her way home from work because she hates knowing that she has nowhere to go except home by herself and that every day is going to be pretty much like the one before it.

it's not like i haven't put in effort to meet people. i go to every church activity there is, even though i usually don't even know where i'm going and feel like an idiot always showing up by myself. usually toward the end i stop feeling awkward and manage to have fun, but then people start disbursing and i just leave because i'm tired of trying to force conversations with strangers who have better things to do.

so here i am once again sitting at home on friday night planning to go to bed early because i have no actual plans...

but, lest i seem obnoxiously silly and ungrateful:
even though i'm lonely all the time, i'm glad i moved and i'm grateful for a lot of things and i know my life is pretty good. i have a car i like and it's in good shape, i have a nice place to live that doesn't really cost me that much, and i have a good job, that pays sufficiently if not exceptionally well and has a lot of security, benefits, and opportunities to grow into better things. in fact, my first paycheck today was better than i expected (cuz my withholding isn't as much as i thought it'd be) and i got another little surprise from the irs so i decided to check out one of the malls here and bought a really hot shirt. plus, my diet is still working, even though i'm hitting a bit of a plateau so it's going to take some increased effort, and i'm looking and feeling better than i have in a long time. so my hot shirt will look even hotter, if i ever find a place where i can wear it...

and, even though i don't have any friends to hang out with, i still have friends who occasionally email me or call, and a week ago i got a totally unexpected call from my favorite boy in the world! unfortunately i'm not his favorite girl in the world, but i was still happy, as dumb as that may be.

so, i'm lonely, but not entirely unhappy i guess, and even though it's been slow-going in terms of social life, i haven't entirely given up on the possibility of a less-lonely future...

yet...