[*warning* the following content is a serious pity party. i'm talking crazy emotional ranting and venting. continue at your own discretion]
nothing says goodbye quite like a computer...thank you facebook for making my life so much more real...that's an oxymoron isn't it...oh well...
yesterday i got a text that said i was strong. i almost texted back, "is that way of saying you won't feel bad when you break up with me?" i didn't. it didn't seem very nice...and i was afraid that the answer was yes.
i hardly ever cry in front of people. tonight was the first time that i've actually cried in front of the person who was making me cry (well, excluding immediate family, but that's different). of course that was really just a warm up. as soon as he was gone it started in for real...the heaving sobs that turn into screams...for the first time in my life i think i know what the word "keening" really means...the dictionary is great [keen: A loud, wailing lament for the dead.] no one is dead, except in a way maybe me.
just a week ago i was telling my friend that sometimes my now cancelled relationship seemed too good to be true. funny that it turned out i was right. i gave a talk on hope in church a few weeks ago. strange how at the time i felt really great...and now that word seems like a joke. hope. hope is what you think you have when you're ignoring reality. not that i deny that there's a "bigger picture" - eternity and whatnot - but if eternity is anything like life i think i'd rather cease to exist. we were talking in torts today about "wrongful life" claims. if you could sue God, he'd be getting a complaint alleging that from me right now. instead i'm typing away here, knowing that with my limited blog readership this probably won't make much difference in the world, but what else can i be expected to do when i feel this awful. that word isn't even bad enough... what do i feel... anguish... angst... confusion... regret... self-loathing... frustration. i think that's it. frustration. coupled with some severely disgusting self-loathing. i've said it before and i'll say it again... no matter what i do or how hard i try i'm never enough for anyone. why is that? why do people say those horrible words: "it's not you, it's me"? all it really means is "there isn't anything you can do that will make you good enough for me, so don't waste your time trying." why am i always the not good enough person? why do guys always tell me, while rejecting me, that they feel awful because usually they're the ones being rejected? that kind of adds insult to injury doesn't it? "hi, i'm crap and no one wants me, but what made you think that meant i'd settle for you?"
people make a big deal of saying "i love you" and for good reason i suppose. telling someone you love them is only telling them that they have the power to hurt you, and then inevitably they will. i've only said it once, and i didn't say it until i started to get really scared because i realized that i really didn't want to lose that person.
why is it that when someone breaks your heart they tell you to go home and pray? i suppose because they probably know that if there's anyone you're angrier at right then than yourself and that person, it's probably God. i suppose i'm a horrible person. i spent the whole past month thanking Him for something that apparently He never meant to give me, and now that it didn't work out i wish i could blame God, but i know that really i'm the only one i can be mad at. i should know better than to think that things could work out so nice and beautifully. i shouldn't have let myself slack off on school so much. when i lose my scholarship i'll have no one to blame but myself.
last week my dad said: "i'm so happy for you bridgette. it's about time someone recognized what a great girl you are. i haven't met this guy, but i know that he must be really great." i told him then that he was right. "this guy" was really great, and i was really happy. i really don't know what to tell people, i hate disappointing them. i suppose none of them will be as disappointed as i am. but crying on your daddy's shoulder is nice sometimes. i was going to get my plane ticket so that i could be gone for as little as possible. i was excited because for the first time in my life i wasn't going to be single for the holidays. haha. guess i was expecting a bit too much. maybe i should get a one-way ticket instead.
oh, yeah, in case you missed it, yes we're broken up, and no it wasn't "mutual" and please don't ask me about it unless you want to be included in the wrongful death suit which my parents will be bringing when i die of dehydration from crying too much. or on second thought, go ahead and ask because God can't punish me for committing suicide if i die of something else first.
in case you thought (like i did) that pessimistic, sarcastic, emo bridgette was gone...haha! she's back!
Dream, when you're feelin' blue.
Dream, that's the thing to do. ...
Dream, when the day is through.
Dream, and they might come true.
Things never are as bad as they seem;
So, dream, dream dream.
what a pack of lies. who writes these songs? why am i listening to them?
i don't think i'm going to get any sleep tonight, so homework time i guess...
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